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    • #78823
      Heather
      Participant

      Hi.

      Bit nervous about writing on here thought about doing it a few times recently, I suffer with severe anxiety.
      I was in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) years. It all got so bad me and my children had to be moved away. We lost everything and have had to start again.
      Where I live now I havent managed to make good friends. All the ones i did make used me and made me feel anxious. I feel very isolated and lonely and dont know where or how to make new friends like I had where we used to live.
      Makes me feel so angry that my ex didn’t loose anything he still has his friends, yet he was the one who was the abuser. Feels like I will be forever trying to fix everything and try and get back what me and my children lost.
      Would really appreciate any ones advice.

    • #78838

      hello hon,
      you have done so well posting on here.
      I made the journey to refuge and leaving all behind (except my child) which is everything, anyway…
      and started again, some years back now.

      like you, was angry about the lossess…

      tips perhaps, to think of it, as new opportunities…

      a new life

      how to make friends…?

      Start small. Realise you really don’t have to be best maties with everyone. Watch your boundaries with people…you have choices as to how much you share with them…

      School gates can be scary places, but try to practice just passing the time of day with people, when you can. There is nothing wrong with talking about the weather, complimenting someone’s shoes ‘great shoes’…smiling at fellow parents and their kids. ‘How is school going?’ Asking which class they are in etc…

      Wonder if your school has a parent’s morning or opportunites to go to assemblies?

      Volunteering there?

      I’m with you about anxieties…it can be crippling…but there are things you can do. There is an organisation called No Panic which have useful info and a helpline…

      Start small. You are doing really well. Get yourself a milkman, chat to the postman – ask them how they are…all low level safe activities which might help you on your way.

      you are doing brilliantly by the sounds of it
      keep posting

      ftc
      x

    • #78843
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi and welcome. You’ve found a fantastic forum here. You can reach out and we will all do our best to support you so feel free to come one here and vent and get your thoughts out. Without going into detail I wonder if there are any of your old friends you might feel comfortable meeting up with somewhere neutral? Are you receiving counselling for the abuse and for the anxiety you’re going through? Have you looked at mindfulness, relaxation techniques, YouTube have lots to choose from. Are you in contact with your local women’s aid? Often they have survivor groups and they also run the freedom programme which may help you and also give you the chance to meet other women in similar situations. It’s a long journey to heal but your can do it and you didn’t lose everything. You won your life back and you can make changes and improve that slowly and you have your children. Well done you! Be kind to yourself, don’t rush to heal, take baby steps. Try to reconnect with any hobbies or likes you had before your abuser. Anything that makes you smile x

    • #78946
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hi H and welcome onboard!

      Sorry to read you’re struggling; guess it would help if you could deal with the anxiety in therapy yes, that would inturn help you socially as well, make it feel less of a challenge. Are there any womens charities in the area that could help you with this? Maybe your support worker could advise here?

      It takes time to gather friends for sure. I’ve noticed that when new families have moved into the area/school where we live it has taken at least 3 years if not a bit longer for some, to really feel settled, it takes time.

      Ideally, we need friends to be sociable with, those we meet with at places or events where we have a shared interest, a club, mum’s, at work maybe, a neighbour? People we know and cross paths with.

      It’s also nice to have a few close friends isn’t it, a confidant, someone you feel free to relax with – these friendships take time to establish, sometimes it can take a while to find such a person, someone you feel you connect with on a number of levels, it is then the going through life together bit that bonds you both and seals the friendship. We collect these friends from different places. I think if you can leave a job with one such friend then you have done really well – meaning they are rare.

      So for now, maybe it’s about doing things you enjoy, putting yourself out there, and meeting folk in social settings? These situations often dont ask too much from us, they’re light, fun, friendly.

      Chatting to strangers can help for sure – sometimes just passing the time and making merryment can leave us with a smile on the inside and out and the feeling of being connected. There is no pressure at all when talking to strangers as you know they will not be intrusive in the slightest, it’s simply chit chat; practice striking up converstaions, most folk love to chat.

      Have you ever thought about getting a dog? Maybe now is the time? I chat to lots of dog walkers and my fluffy friend leaves me feeling I am never alone – a mad idea maybe, but thought I’d throw it out there.

      Use online forums and the helplines to talk about your inner most thoughts and feelings for now – this will help you to meet those emotional needs you are currently unable to meet by not having a close friend – might feel scary, but once you’ve done it a few times you will notcie how freeing and helpful it is. This will also free you up more for a friendship when it does come along.

      Call old friends for a chat and try to organise a meet yes.

      You must have had a really terrible time of it if you sought refuge and you and your children have been awarded the right to live a peaceful life away from him completely. I would give my left arm to have him removed from our lives, to have a fresh start, no hassle from him ever again. Quite a few mum’s struggle on here because their children are still seeing him and they have to find ways to work with this, as you can imagine it often comes with a heap of angst, stress and numerous difficulties at times. You are now ‘free’ from this. Try to focus on what you have and what you can do – try putting the rest to one side as it isn’t serving very well at all is it, only leads you into anger.

      You have done amzingly well to get out and get you and your children away. He had a good go at trying to destroy you – promise yourself, no more! He won’t spoil what we have now or the future – we will have a wonderful life.

      Of course it’s tough starting again, but I’m sure once you’ve made a friend or two it will help no end hey, so just keep chipping away, and in the meantime focus on your health and taking care of the kids. It will come x

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