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    • #142701
      Melissa
      Participant

      I am (detail removed by Moderator) weeks out of an abusive relationship and in that time I have gone from feeling ashamed, tearful, angry, humiliated, raw with pain, suicidal, to feeling ok, then hitting rock bottom again and I am the one who is starting back up the contact. We were together (detail removed by Moderator) years. I know it was c**p, I know I deserve to be treated better so why am I making such a fool of myself and keeping contact. I have blocked him, deleted his number, changed my phone but I have got him on my work phone and I know his number… I let me and myself down every time

      It is like an addiction… Anyone else out there who went through this and has some good advice to help me stay strong… 🙏🏻

    • #142710
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Don’t be hard on yourself it is an addiction. The abuse cycle has been shown to release different chemicals in us which our bodies get addicted to, especially dopamine during the good/happy times which is similar to drugs like cocaine or nicotine (I’m no doctor so those examples might be wrong). An ‘expert’ I watch on Instagram described it like smoking and why don’t people just instantly stop? Because they can’t and need to retrain their bodies & minds – we are similar and that’s why understanding abuse, researching how it affects us and things like learning how to set boundaries etc all help because they are retraining our bodies both consciously and unconsciously. Just like giving up drugs/smoking/gambling etc is hard and often needs support from professionals so might we. I don’t have the answer to breaking the habits but sometimes just knowing all of the above helps as it can help you gain back some control xx

      • #142714
        Melissa
        Participant

        Thank you so much for your explanation and understanding. I have felt like I am going mad. Logic prevails I tell myself to stay away and then I weaken. Yet he has made me feel so ashamed calling me names in front of his mates and (detail removed by Moderator) then lying and telling them all I slept with another man. I couldn’t speak I was so shocked and hurt by his behaviour. I had 6 hours sleep in 2 days. I felt so ashamed, I’m a social drinker only but by Sunday I had bought myself a bottle of whiskey to drink… But he is a drinker and a n********t.

      • #142742
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Oh yes been there but the brain forgets all that for the hit of a hug or a smile, you’re not mad. And just because you drank one evening doesn’t mean you have a problem, just having a bad day unless it grows. If he’s a big drinker, careful he doesn’t encourage your drinking – mine did that as if I was drinking it gave him an excuse to. Like Duchess I just had a moment where something snapped. Try watching his behaviour rather than his words, think what advice you’d give if this was happening to a friend. Recognise whether it’s him you miss or someone in general, loneliness hurts but it doesn’t mean staying with the wrong person. Be wary of future faking too, if he’s promised you time together, days out, a holiday, a retirement plan, marriage whatever it might be is he actually delivering or is it just words. Hang in there, we all have these days – tomorrow is another day xx

    • #142718
      The Duchess
      Participant

      Ok so this is what you need to focus on read your last post and every time you weaken think of that , why do you want to reach out to someone who did all this to you , stop for a moment then think of all the bad stuff before reaching out . It is exactly like an addiction it’s so dam hard to ween yourself away , I done it many a time , begged , cried , went back , contacted him , made myself look a fool , countless times , then the lightbulb moment came for me and I’m so glad it did , something just changed , snapped inside of me and I just walked away , ended it , but I did not block straight away I have to be honest , I done everything in stages which I found helped me . I ended the relationship and I did get a lot of texts , abuse etc , which I ignored, I then left the lines of communication open until I felt ready in myself to completely block him as I knew once I did this I was not unblocking him again. I think you need to try and detach yourself from him and the situation, this is hard , but don’t allow him to play with your head . Before you reach out think of consequences, why are you reaching out ? What do you want from this ? Will you be happy with yourself when you do ? Take each day slowly and gradually ween yourself off of contact or thinking about him even , be it a few hour , or one hour then build it up if you can each day .

      • #142732
        Melissa
        Participant

        Thank you this so helpful but I’ve already just we weakened and messaged and could kick myself. I’m so ashamed. I came of an abusive relationship relationship as I thought I was with someone I could trust yet the abuse emotionally was the worst of the lot. Both drinkers it is little wonder when the last one I knee from school and totally adored him.

    • #142746
      The Duchess
      Participant

      Don’t be hard on yourself, another day is a new day , my ex is a chronic alcoholic. You don’t want that life , trust me , I know it’s hard , but you gtta distance yourself now very gradually, try and occupy your mind on other things in your day and less focus on him . You really will feel so much better in yourself with distance, all they do is drag you down , play mind games , and I found with my ex especially as he drinks hard lots of crazy making , worse relationship I have ever encountered and I question my sanity for staying so long , run for the hills hun x

    • #142802
      Raelrgz
      Participant

      Try not to be so hard on yourself – having been there and been hard on myself! Look up trauma bonding. It’s like people say above, an addiction to the push and the pull – you feel happy when you receive love, and low when you’re abused in some way. It’s the addiction to those feelings which are hard to put aside, plus you have a history together and nobody is ever one thing. You were with him because he was loving towards you at various points, so putting those memories and feelings aside is incredibly hard and takes time. If you can, seek help from a counsellor. I hope you’re alright. Be gentle on yourself.

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