It feels strange

[Alone]

My work bully has been at it again, trying to create drama and problems for me, creating mistrust by saying things about me to others. I was trying to ignore it, although it did unnerve me a little, but then something big was announced, that even he wasn’t expecting.

The place is being shut down. My first reaction was happiness and to smile, but now I’ve had time to process it, I also feel quite sad. I’m happy because the bully won’t have driven me out – I’ve stuck with it to the end! Happy because he won’t be in that position where he can manipulate and cause problems for others, obviously he may eventually end up in that position again, but for a while at least, he won’t be. I feel sad because it’s feels like I am drawing a very firm line under the good that was done there… it was the place I came out of my shell, made best friends, and then lost them again – thanks to the bully. I hated still working there because every shift felt like it had ghosts of my old friends – as if they would come walking around the corner for a hug any minute and it was often quite triggering, but then I am also sad to know I’ll never see those ‘ghosts’ again.

I’m probably not making sense, I have an infection and a fever, so probably not the best time to be trying to explain myself lol!

It’s just knowing a place where I was abused, where I built up so much and then lost absolutely everything to the point of homelessness, is not going to be there anymore is a very weird feeling. It’s bringing everything to the forefront of my mind again.

xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi Alone

I hope your feeling better.

Well done for not letting the bully push you out.

Also the firm being shut down is another big event which will bring back good as well as bad memories.

Give yourself time to grieve, then rejoice at the chance to reinvent yourself.

FS xx

[Lisa]

I can understand you having mixed feelings about this Alone. However, since it is now out of your hands, perhaps you should look to the positives of this and think of it as the next chapter of your career and life. That job has served a purpose and had it’s ups and downs and now that part of your life is ending and a potentially new and exciting door could be opening.

Best wishes

Lisa

Forum Moderator

[Alone]

Oh I’ve already been reinventing myself, I’m more confident, and take c**p from no one now. I have no friends, and have been so hurt/damaged by the previous ones that I can’t bring myself to make any more, which isn’t really a choice I’ve made so is quite a conflicting thing.

I’ve only just got a roof over my head after being homeless thanks to the bully’s actions, I’m really worried that being made redundant will put me back in financial hardship. I have another job, but the hours are very low (barely two figures a week) and just about cover my rent. I was relying on the extremely low (one figure a week) hours at the other job to feed and water myself. There are no chances of more contracted hours at the newer job, and everyone fights for overtime so it’s not stable.

I have a lot of thinking and working out to do, as it was I was trying to survive on £2 a day, so have to make staying stable my main priority. I was hoping my next job move would be towards a career job, but if it doesn’t happen I’ll have to take whatever comes along, I can’t handle becoming homeless again, there was no help or support at all.

[Ayanna]

Hugs, Alone. Keep looking for better jobs while you work in the ones you already have. Can you work for agencies?
Do not give up your dream of a career job.
I live without friends too. After all the diappointments I am happy that they are out of my life. There are many things women can do without friends. Life is actually better without jealous unreliable people.

[Alone]

I’m considering taking a particular course, it’s not strictly needed to get into the area I want to, I already have the qualifications for that but it’s something I have always wanted to learn and it would make me more employable in the area I want, which is quite competitive. Studying it alongside the two jobs would have worked perfectly, so I don’t know whether I’ll be able to do it now depending whether/what I end up doing next. A lot to think about. I’m trying to gather the options but not make a decision until I get my redundancy meeting. I believe redundancy pay will be pro rata, and as the bully dropped my hours to a single figure a week, I think he’s messed me up in terms of that as well. I was really hoping to get enough to pay for the course I want to do, so that I only have to worry about surviving on whatever else I earn from my other job or any new jobs I find. Only time will tell I guess!

I’m finding transitioning to be being a loner very difficult. I’m a very sociable person; always planning little surprises for friends, whether it’s just something I’ve written for them, or something I plan to do for their birthdays etc. So it’s difficult feeling like I have nothing positive to plan.. And when I see something that reminds me of someone, I go to contact them to tell them, then realise I can’t, and it hurts all over again. I practically live in silence and I keep getting put to work alone at both jobs because I can manage on my own, so I get lost in thought/memories, which is exactly what I want to avoid. It’s tough.

Time, time, time. It passes both too quickly and too slowly!

xx

[Ayanna]

I was a very sociable person too. The abuse and the bad time after fleeing did something to me. I do not want people around me anymore. When I do not work I feel really intimidated when I get a phone call or someone tries to talk to me. I feel so content in my silence at home.

[Author]

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