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    • #144610
      Lionsloth
      Participant

      Police decided no further action against my ex (removed by moderator). Since then he has told our children he is going to destroy me. That he’s going to make me lose my job, my family, my friends and get me locked up. He’s said unless I go to the police (removed by moderator) and tell them I lied and made it all up about him, he’s going to ruin me in every way possible. He’s then rang (removed by moderator) to say he’s given a massive statement to the police about me and they’ve told him they know I’m lying. He’s told our children he knows it will ruin their lives but he can’t let me get away with what I’ve said. He’s deadly serious, I know and said all along that I’m more scared of his long term vindictiveness than his immediate anger. I know he won’t stop until he has destroyed me one way or another. I don’t know what to do. Im scared. There is no escape from him. Even with telling the police and physically getting away from him, it doesn’t end. I know it won’t until he’s decided he’s got his revenge. I can’t take any more.

    • #144611
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’m sorry I’m not very clear, (detail removed by moderator) ? If your ex has made any statement to the police , they would not make any comments to your ex at all about anyone telling lies , it’s against their job to make judgements as your ex is suggesting. I think your ex is manipulating you to drop everything by making you believe it will go against you . Do not believe a word he is telling you , he is using typical abuser tactics to control you into fear of not saying anything. I had exact same thing and I wish I hadn’t of listened at the time . You cannot live in fear of what he will do and stay as you are .

    • #144612
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hi lionsloth I understand that feeling of it will never end. I sense fear and despair from you. I agree with duchess police would not say that… he may well have said his bit and made a report but they are well used to abusers playing the victim. If the police were that worried they would have made themselves known to you. Should they call keep calm tell the truth and call it for what it is post separation abuse which is now a crime. Remember how far you have come you left services are aware – that’s powerful. His tactics are the sign of an abuser who has lost control. I totally get it but slowly you are cutting the ties and keep in your truth – the truth never lies and comes out in the end. It doesn’t give justice there is no justice nothing makes abuse ok but it does give you power and peace x*x

    • #144614
      Lionsloth
      Participant

      I did give a statement and support the polices investigation but it’s no further action (removed by moderator) and that’s my word against his effectively.
      I don’t really know why he’s going mad now as he’s got away with it. Think most people would thank their lucky stars but it’s like he can’t get past the fact I told the police. I am sure a lot of it is trying to control/scare me but I also know what he’s like and have no doubt he’s going find a way to ‘destroy me’ as he says.

    • #144618
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Empowering post Eggshells brought tears to my eyes , I know that feeling of clinging onto a life that wasn’t the right life or the happiest , feeling fear of what will happen if I stand up against my ex , the unknown future of what to face if I leave him , the repercussions , the threats , blackmail. Staying with my ex out of fear of what he might do , being blackmailed to stay in a relationship I didn’t know how to get of . Well I got out , I stood up to him , the threats , the intimidation, the blackmail I would rather face head on than spend another miserable day being abused by my ex . I made a different life , I let go of the life I was scared to leave , the friends I lost are in my past , my family and my loyal friends are still supporting me through my journey . I too spent a long time rebuilding my life as my ex had tried to destroy me , determination has kept me going in the thought that my ex will not ruin another day of my future, this person will not destroy me , and Iam happier for finding my strength to leave . My ex used every tactic available to keep me in that relationship, I ignored and walked away , despite all his empty threats , I took my chances and left .

      • #144620
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        His going mad as he doesn’t want to be known as that person by anyone, he wants you to be the one who gets the blame and his name in tact . I would go back to the police and make a report against him that you are in fear and he has threatened and intimidated you into retracting your statement , the police are trained into these tactics by abusers . I know it’s really hard , but you gtta find the strength to stand up to him otherwise he will continue to use this against you , they target weaknesses and play on it for control x

    • #144619
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Oh my goodness, my lovely, your fear is palpable.

      First of all, he is lying. The police have not told him that. He is trying to scare you and it is working.

      I remember that fear. He might tear down the familiar walls that have sheltered you but he can’t destroy you.

      Talk to your family. Let them know what he has threatened. He cares more about destroying you than protecting his daughter? That will speak volumes to them.

      If you are able, talk to your boss about your concerns. If your boss isn’t supportive, then it’s not the right place for you anyway.

      Talk to the police. They need to know that he is telling everyone that they’ve told him you are lying and you need his threats on record.

      Abusers expect you to keep quiet and comply. Don’t keep quiet. Don’t play his game. Eventually he’ll get the message.

      This will end!

      My ex tried to destroy me. I did have to leave my job, my home, some friends. I had to leave the county. He may have thought he’d destroyed me. He didn’t. He took away what I had thought were some important parts of my old life and he did me a favour by doing so. I’m building a new life. It hasn’t been easy but it is transformative and its my life. He can’t touch it.

      He has no idea where I am now. He can’t find me. He doesn’t know any of the people I know. I’m building a new and happy life. I wish I hadn’t tried so hard to hang on to the threads of my old life. Once I cut loose, I was liberated and no amount of hardship could take that away.

      He can’t destroy you my lovely. He can make life hard but he won’t destroy you. Infact, you might find quite the opposite.

      This is n**********c behaviour. Narcs need to be admired. He can’t bare to have anyone think badly of him, not the police, not family, not anyone. He’s furious that people now know what he’s really like.

      Narcs also have an over inflated opinion of themselves and what they can do. I worked with my ex. He was in a senior position over me. I couldn’t stay in my job. Your abuser may not have that power over you?

      Honestly my lovely, yes, he does want to destroy you but, with the benefit of hindsight, it sounds to me as though he’s actually about to press his own self destruct button! xx

    • #144625
      Wispatea
      Participant

      My husband has very recently sad the same to me. Apparently the police officer stayed in contact with him for weeks. Told him (removed by moderator). However, after many discussions so many things don’t actually ring true. for example he said the (removed by moderator). He thanked me for dropping the charges. I spent (removed by moderator) with the CID after being educated about domestic violence and they put me at high risk when doing my referral to the local DV team. Now I have also seen this. So all of these things together have helped loads. I hope this can also do the same for you. Especially when the non-rational brain kicks in…. xxxx

    • #144632
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hey lovely, I wanted to echo what eggshells has said… your partner sounds like a classic Narc, they hate to be exposed for who they really are, he is lying and threatening you to keep quiet, do not believe a word he says from now on as gloves are off, nothing is off the table (mine behaved like this, I didn’t keep quiet and have carried on. He has crawled off to a new partner miles and miles away now!

      Tell the police (ask for DA trained officers only) what he is doing now they have said there’s not enough evidence, explain what he has said and aims to do.

      Do not give up, push through if you can as it does get easier (I am sure it doesn’t feel like that now but really it does as you are telling the truth).

      Lots of love and strength
      Keep posting ❤️

    • #144644
      Lionsloth
      Participant

      Thank you all for your replies. They made me cry but made a lot of sense. It’s just really hard to shake this feeling of utter fear and panic. I’m sure it is to make me do what he wants but (removed by moderator) there will be no stopping him and he will act on what he’s said. I know I have truth on my side, I know whatever he says we both know what he’s done but I am not sure that will matter. And even if others don’t believe his bs it’s the humiliation of everyone I know reading all the statements etc. I’m going to give in, I’m not going to lie to make him look like he’s done nothing wrong but I also know that is going to cost me everything.

    • #144649
      Watersprite
      Participant

      I understand how you feel wish I could tell you more of my story but just too identifying. The problem is he may just keep moving the goal posts if you don’t make a stand. I was told by police IDVA social services unless you stand up he will just keep pushing he will see it as a green light continue escalate. Lionsloth you do what is best for you but sometimes that lion has to show it can roar and bite and stand strong in the face of whatever he throws next. I worry he will just move the goalpost even if calm follows a bit it’s what they do – think of his behaviour in the relationship bet he did that all the time? Things will get better it takes time but they will x*x

    • #144671
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Whatever you decide my lovely, the ladies on the forum will support you as best they can and without judgement.

      Sadly we can’t help you to come to a decision, just offer our experience and support. xx

    • #144885
      Lazarus17
      Participant

      Hi Lionsloth. I’ve been where you are, honestly! My ex tried to destroy me. He very nearly succeeded – but I’m still here, still fighting and I honestly thought I wouldn’t be! You will get stronger, I promise!

      As far as the police investigation, did the police tell you why they NFA’d? Do you agree with their assessment? If you’re not satisfied with their decision, you can do something called a Victim’s Right to Review (VRR). I wish I’d have known about it earlier in my journey- I had so many NFA’s I sometimes wonder if I broke records….🤨

      A VRR will get your file reviewed by a more senior officer and will mean the investigating officer has to justify the NFA to them (at least that’s my understanding). I’ve tried to find a link, but I think it depends on the police area, so it should be on your police area website.

      Yes, it’s more work when you least feel like it, but it’s quite empowering – I felt that I was saying “ive had enough with the NFAs, DO SOMETHING!” They did…. but that’s another story!

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