It still could be me?

[Starmoon]

I haven’t been on for such a long time (I hope everyone I used to talk to are safe and well) Almost (detail removed by moderator) ago my ex was arrested for assaulting me (detail removed by moderator)… from the day he was arrested I managed no contact… I didn’t chase after him and he wasn’t allowed to contact me. At (detail removed by moderator) his charges were dropped because of lack of evidence… bruises and broken glasses in (detail removed by moderator) aren’t enough proof. I know it’s nothing in comparison to what many of you have been threw and I still believe that it was deserved to an extent (I think that’s something I’ll always battle with) anyway- I gave him another chance… in fact I gave him allot. Even though I’d gone so long no contact, he managed to convince me things could be different. A few weeks back into it he asked me to go back to his after I’d been out with friends, he even gave me a key. It wasn’t late when arrived at his, he’d been texting only a short while before. The key didn’t work, and I didn’t have cash for another taxi home. I decided to try and wake him… I didn’t go over the top knocking but when he answered the door he was furious. I sat in his living room and then followed into his room… it was a while back now and I don’t really remember what was said but.. for some reason he jumped up from his bed, ran across the room and pinned me against the wall by the throat with his hand raised to hit me… he didn’t do it. He then pretended to call the police and said he’d recorded me making a scene.. I didn’t think I had anyway and was sure if he had recorded me, that they’d know he tried to hit me. I ended up calling the police myself, leaving his flat and sitting on a path until the police arrived. The male officer made me feel as If I’d bought it on myself and I felt like I was waisting their time, so I didn’t make a statement. I went home. After a day or so of him defending his side of the story and me defending mine, he started begging for forgiveness, which I gave.
Him braking his bail was never looked into and then the charges were dropped anyway. A while later, we arranged a date night, had a conversation that (detail removed by moderator).  It seemed like I couldn’t really argue with that but I felt really off footed when it seemed like we’d already agreed on a plan. I stayed quiet with him and said very little while he tried to bark at me that he wasn’t doing anything wrong and that he hadn’t been out of order. I have a tendency to get sarcastic when I feel intimidated… I’ve even laughed, athouvjt ive never found it funny. (which never helps). I made a few comments about Always paying separately for everything in future and we’d buy our own drinks. That obviously didn’t help.. he ended up leaving me, so I then had to get a taxi home on my own. So I paid both ways for absolutely nothing… he would say that if I learned to communicate properly that those things wouldn’t happen…?! I suppose if he’d genuinely forgotten that we’d already talked about it then I could understand his frustration?! Anyway, after that and a few more occasions where he left and begged for me to take him back, we went back to counseling (detail removed by moderator) the counseling was really good. It seemed to give us clarity. I realized that I can be relentless sometimes especially over things that were reminding me of the past… she told me that instead of bombard him with texts (assuming he’s going to do something like dump me or have ago at me) to text myself.. which I did from time to time and sometimes it helped. The biggest issue from my half was not believing that he was genuine, and because I felt I’d been so hurt and un able to speak up in the past- I was over compensating- assuming the worst in him before anything had even happened.
That was a long time ago, most recently he’s left me again over things that seem really similar. It seems like he’s most bothered about the way I speak up about things rather than anything els… he’s left us again… (detail removed by moderator). It’s not the first time he’s done this- he’s left when our baby was new born, and then a few days after we’d booked our wedding (my parents paid and lost allot of money). Most recently he’s left because he wanted (detail removed by moderator). He told me he was spending this money and I said no, that we’d talked about where money was going and that wasn’t a priority. he’s terrible with money and even though he earns ALLOT, I have been lending him money every other week to bail him out for as long as I can remember. We didn’t live together anymore and he only paid a tiny amount toward his child, I was also cooking for him most nights and making packed lunches, all out of my own pocket. So him announcing he was buying that felt like a kick in the teeth. When I tried to put my point across and say his money was better spent els where, or better saved- he called me selfish and ungrateful… I even tried to say that I could see he was doing something nice but it wasn’t practical. When he continued to call me selfish, I told him we should end the conversation- he gave me the v’s, walked out and blocked my phone number. Whilst he was gone, he reeled off a list of reasons why he’d left… one of them being that I was selfish and had eaten dinner with my parents one day and not thought to cook for him…. as I said, we didn’t live together and he didn’t financially contribute, he also ate at work allot and I wouldn’t know what time he’d be home… So I saw me cooking for him as a bonus- not as something he should assume (although I mostly did it anyway)… he seemed to make such a big deal about how I hadn’t communicated and I’d been selfish. He came back a few days later but I felt like I was already in that cycle of him dumping me when things didn’t go his way… I dropped a few sarcastic comments out but over all, I took on what he’d said. I asked him to pay towards food shopping, and cooked every night, I also text to ask if he’d be staying at mine so that I knew if I needed to cook or not. The night that bought the end of us, I’d made tea which he informed me he didn’t want,he said he’d eat later… I was a little upset that I’d gone to the trouble after all he’d said and he didn’t even want it… but I decided it wasn’t worth saying anything and went to bed. He stayed down stairs having a drink. Then he text me saying (detail removed by moderator). To this he said I had issues communicating, had serious mental problems that he couldn’t ever fix. I told him I didn’t need him to fix me and (detail removed by moderator). Again I went up to bed… he stayed down stairs that night and the following morning he carried on until I eventually said what did he want… for me to go back in time. (Detail removed by moderator)
So anyway after tripping over myself to try and wrap things up, he said it was obvious I’d never understand and we were over… to this is said ok- I told him I was done… and just like the night in he hotel room (detail removed by moderator), a switch went in my head. I called him selfish, and messed up and told him to get out of my house and never come back. Later that afternoon I went to his parents house as they’d asked me to. He was there and still going on about the same thing, asking his parents what they’d do if the other had cooked blah blah… he said I’d made his life hell etc and I said I’d forgiven him for so much even when he assaulted me… to that he said ‘it’s a wonder I haven’t run a knife threw you’.
What ever I am… I don’t deserve that surely?! Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far x*x

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Hi there. It sounds to me that he’s definitely abusing you and putting the blame onto you for sure! I had similar feelings like you. I sometimes found it hard to communicate and I was always blamed for not communicating properly but to be able to communicate properly you need a listening ear. I can communicate perfectly with friends family and strangers but apparently my communication with him was rubbish. No because if they wanted to and they were in one of their moods they will make an argument!! Sounds like your walking on egg shells so yeah your communication probadly ain’t great buy hunny that is no way your fAult.
The fact he ups and leaves when he likes is total disrespect to you and your children. Imagine you done that to him!! He would properly threaten to call social services!
The fact you done no contact before means you can certainly do it again and I reckon you need to contact your local womans aid and grab as much support as you can. The fact you took him back before he may think you will do this again and to me he sounds like if it doesn’t go his way then he will kick off and I would be worried for you and your children’s safety.
I hope you find the strength to stay away. Deep down you know it’s not you because you wouldn’t have come on here. I questioned myself for years and even tried to take my own life because he made me believe it was all me and it was sending me crazy because I knew in my heart it wasn’t me but because we love and trust them we would like to think they are trying to help us but really there trying to destroy us because they are bullies!!!!

[Lisa]

Hi Starmoon,

I just wanted to show some support and to reinforce that from everything you have said now and in your past posts, you are in NO way responsible for the serious emotional, physical and financial abuse that your ex partner has committed. Doubting and questioning yourself is a natural response to abuse, when you’re trying to work out why on earth it’s happening, but it’s also a sign of how incredibly abusive and controlling he’s been. It sounds like he is an expert at manipulating and causing confusion within conversations to cause you to doubt yourself. It also sounds like you have tried changing your approach and your communication, but it doesn’t work, and that is because you are not the problem! He is.

I’m sorry to hear about your counselling, because it sounds like the counsellor was not skilled at recognising domestic abuse, and therefore contributed to you feeling some responsibility. Joint counselling can be very harmful if the counsellor doesn’t understand the complexities of an abusive relationship.

You do not deserve ANY of the abuse he has perpetrated. You really need some good support now to ensure you stay separated. Have you contacted your local domestic abuse service to ask for some one-to-one support or to attend the group programmes? If not, I really suggest doing so.

Kindest regards and keep posting,

Lisa

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