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Hi ladies
I really thought I’d be posting on positive moments after going on holiday alone for the first time.
I’ve really enjoyed relaxing and speaking to people. When I was with my ex i felt like I was a horrible unapproachable person but this time away has made me realise I am not.
Anyway… we are sorting a few things out and he called to give me an update and since then I’ve been teary and missing him. I know it’s the whole no contact thing but thats not possible at the moment, while we sort things out for the separation.
I’m not even sure why I’m writing on here, I guess because I know you’ll understand and its the best place for to just cry it out.
❤ HvH -
Try to remember you’re only missing the good parts of him. Keep reminding yourself why you’re in this position and how being apart is making you a better person, your confidence is returning. Something he destroyed. I walk with my head high, make eye contact, talk to people. Even strangers. I cannot tell you how badly my social skills were affected by him. I became shy withdrawn and a shell. It’s wonderful to get confidence back, don’t let him strip it from you. Regarding contact, can you get a friend or family member to act on your behalf. They could email him/you regarding specific details around the separation. It will protect you from further harm. I can’t emphasise strongly enough the benefits of zero contact x
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I had a period of contact while we sorted stuff out. I found it vital to do all of this contact in some kind of written form. It’s too easy on the phone for them to play on our emotions. They try to do that in writing too of course – that’s why no contact is so vital. But I found that if I made him communicate in writing it was much more easy for me to analyse what he was trying to do with his writing – love bomb/threaten/guilt trip/etc. It was also helpful to have a visual reference of how he switched from one to another when I didn’t cave to him. And if he turns really nasty you have an actual record you can show the police. Getting him to write rather than phone also makes it easier only to respond about what needs to be sorted out.
For example, “We need to close our joint bank account”. You need a single signature on a form. If you phone him and ask him to sign it then he will draw you into a conversation of such complexity that you can’t keep track of what you wanted. He uses a mixture of love bombing, guilt tripping and threats to make you feel awful, and he probably won’t even sign the form. Or you email)text him: I need you to sign this form. He’ll still try some of the above. Tell you how cruel you are being to get him to do this when his heart is broken. Or that he loves you more than life itself and that he will do anything you want, even if it means losing you (he’ll probably follow this up by not actually signing the form). Or telling you point blank that he won’t sign because he doesn’t trust you and he needs it as leverage over you. I found it really helpful to read these messages and identify the tactic he was using. I would reply around once daily – reiterating whatever I needed done: sign the form, confirm the date, drop the dog off at Sarah’s on Friday, whatever. And responding to any factual stuff I felt needed responding to. “No I won’t come round and pick up the dog, drop her at…” Or, “great, you’ve boxed up all the stuff I left. I am not giving you my new address, could you drop that at Sarah’s too?”. Or “You can keep the wedding presents.” What I would not do is reply to the “do you remember what a wonderful time we had doing X” emails, or the “you are such a racist/sexist/bully/abusive” type messages. Or the where are you now messages. It only got answered if it was factual and necessary. And that got done once a day, not every time he found a hairbrush or a pair of socks and wondered if I wanted them bavkm I think this technique is something like what they call “grey rock” where you don’t respond to their abuse and make yourself a less interesting target.
Hope this helps!
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I tried the being reasonable thing. They’re only reasonable when they’re getting their own way. When they don’t get their own way, you have to deal with the fallout which for me was often. Perhaps writing a list of things that he needs to do and get him to let you know as he goes through the list. Put a time limit on it. Anything at all that you can take out his hands is well worth doing. Like getting rid of his stuff, changing bills into your/his name. If youre married then you need to get a legal separation date so he cannot run up debt under the guise of being a couple. The more you take on the quicker things will get done. I’d ask him to do as little as possible.
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Hey, of course you miss him, this is inevitable and part of the pain we must feel in the break up; you wouldnt be human if you didn’t feel this way. What’s important is that you dont act on these emotions, stay with how you feel only, see these emotions for what they are, the loss and part a natural human response when we lose someone, grief. The heart takes a bit more time than the head to catch up with the end that’s all, it’s a process, the process of letting go. It does get better and you will get past this. Try to use this time to care for the self and think about how you want your life to be, gather info and your thoughts so that when the time is right you can start to make this happen, making every step you take a step towards your goals x
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Thank you for your responses and amazing advice as always.
I’m so upset and annoyed with myself. I suggested we make a plan to do something (not to get back together but because I would rather things were amicable and in all honesty I don’t see why it needs to be nasty). He wasn’t keen, then he said yes and then he decided he’s too heart broken to do it. I know this is all part of the manipulation and to make it worse I was recently in the vicinity of one of his friends who didn’t see me and was talking about us splitting up. Apparently we haven’t been getting on for ages and things are really messy financially. I am so angry and hurt by this as it shows he is lying, taking no responsibility and playing the victim.
I have been wondering what to say if anyone asks as I thought it was unfair to say he is abusive. I can’t believe I’ve still been giving him so much consideration and thinking he’d do the same for me.
I know all these things make me stronger, and right now I really cannot wait for everything to just be sorted.
I am taking your advice and going grey rock, there really is no reasoning…. you are right x*x -
I’m having the opposite reaction HvH, he’s taking 100% responsibility, going to a councillor, who will then guide him to someone who is more appropriate to his actions/ behaviour. I’m glad he’s accepting his part in this. But I don’t trust him. Yes I see him, we have a house together, debts. I know practically these will be sorted once the lawyer is on board. Waiting on a new one through WA at the moment.I’m also seeing another type of push/ pull behaviour. When I’d leave at night, he’d ask for a kiss, which I’d allow, it felt wrong, not that I felt I was doing anything wrong, but it felt like kissing a stranger, which he is really. Now he’s not asking, he’s saying are you waiting for a kiss, I’m like no. It is hard to put into words what I feel when I drive away, relief, pity, nothing! What I do notice is that when I get to the flat, I feel myself relaxing, like a weight is lifted from me. I can see us having a relationship and living in separate houses but that’s just a dream really. A nice one…. BUT.
It’s good you see how he’s behaving. If it wasn’t for this forum, for all the reading I’ve done, if not be able to see his behaviour. He expects me to tell him when he’s being abusive so he doesnt do it again, how he needs my help to be the good guy he was🤣🤣🤣 To me all that will do is get him to change how he’s abusive, it won’t stop him, unless this councellor can work miracles.
So keep reading keep posting.
What I’m finding is I don’t want to let it known when I see him, keep it a secret, but that’s not good. It’s also not being responsible to your own well being, keeping you safe. I’ve phoned my dad to say if I’m not back by such and such a time phone me, if you don’t get through call the police. I tell him where I’m going. It’s only been one time, but we have to be safe. It sounds extreme, but considering how many women are murdered or severely battered by their(ex)partner’s, I don’t think it’s extreme at all.Take care and believe things will work out.
💞💞 IWMB -
morning IWMB – your being ‘real’ ive learned through all of this you can never underestimate an abusive man. we know from what we read when they see the chips are down they will do anything to keep control and that includes homicide. its something noone wants to consider and sometimes we can all be in real denial about this. thinking thats only 1% or so – the reality is it can happen. ive said this for ages the authorities do sit up and listen only when someone takes it to the extreme but also when someone goes to them and says they feel there is a strong sense that that extreme could actually happen to women or kids. its very hard to read about these things but i think we definitely have to be realistic – always xxxx much love diymum
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This forum has definitely helped me see the reality.
I think the reason I am so hurt is because he has been going to counselling, taking responsibility (ish) and the reality is quite different.
Hes really annoyed with me, for being annoyed an upset about what I’ve overheard. His messages to me were awful yet he blames me and says I take no responsibility.
There has been more than one incident where his friends or family have said something to upset me yet somehow it’s always my fault I am upset.
He keeps in contact and sees my family and I’m getting close to saying that has to stop. Surely if he doesn’t want to me nice to me or see me, then he doesn’t need to see my family either.
I’m sorry if this is just a ramble, I’m quite fed up of the whole thing and wish I had just listened when you had all told me that it wouldn’t stay nice, he would get mean and there is no reasoning with him.
And despite all this it is still heartbreaking and scary to realise what he has done and how he is being with me.
I completely get it now, this is the most dangerous time. He messaged me saying I am slipping away from him and since then he has used the tiniest thing to go mad (on the phone). I can’t wait for this to just be over… he says the same too but somehow I feel this is only the start of his angry outbursts 🙁 -
Time to protect yourself from him. When your family see you trying to remain on friendly terms with him then why shouldn’t they? You need to lead by example. Absolutely zero contact. Pick a mutual friend to act as a go between. You don’t have to expose yourself to his angry outbursts. They make him feel great and leave you feeling weak and vulnerable. Take back control. Get a third party to email them that you wish zero contact and use this person to sort our separation arrangements. It’s not too late to start with zero contact right now x
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It’s not my family I am annoyed with, it’s him, as I think why maintain contact with them but be horrible to me. It’s quite possible he was with them at the same time he was having a go at me. And i just think he should stay away from us all . Maybe I’m being unreasonable but I haven’t seen any of his family as I don’t want to involve them and also they are his family so their loyalty lies with him and rightly so.
The 3rd party is good advice thank you. I need to think about who that could be as right now my family are on good terms with him and probably wouldn’t want to do that 🙁. I do have a friend who would do it for me though I think
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