16th December 2017 at 3:43 pm #51354
Being with him most my life and always putting my self down for not being good enough, now i no I want out of this life with him, but how do u make that happen, just leave or phone the police and have him removed, everything is in my name, even his bills are in my name, he has been helping around the house trying to make right his behaviour, but I no in my heart I can’t keep going, I’ve known for a long time, but I think hearing those words that he’s been abusive and it’s not all in my head, confirms to me that I have to get out, I don’t even no how to make up my own mind, I always ask his opinion, now I have to make this decision on my own it’s hard, as I continue to behave and put on a brave face it is Christmas in days and I am dreading it, we don’t even share a bed, but have family staying over Christmas so have no choice, when I look at him I feel small, but I’m raging inside, I wish I could put my anger on to him, but then it really would be my fault, I don’t want to give him anymore of me, I’m so embarrassed that I’m allowing him to carry on as normal in my life when he’s treated me so wrong, my heart pumps and my belly is in knots whenever he is around, when he speaks to me Even about random things I feel his tension in his voice, because I haven’t made any contact with him unless he’s speaks to me I don’t speak, I don’t want to ruin Christmas for everyone but for once in a very long time I would like to enjoy Christmas and the rest of my life, interact with my kids again, have fun with them, I don’t play with my children enough, only because I don’t no how to interact with them, it’s so sad, they are lovely I intelligent beautiful children and I give them any bit of affection I can, but I have no feelings inside of me, most the time I feel dead, that’s not the life they should have, I get such anxiety about doing things on my own that we don’t even go out, i want to find my love so I can wrap them in it they deserve that, we deserve better. Taking a stand
16th December 2017 at 3:59 pm #51355KIP.Participant
You are not alone. Every brave woman who has left an abusive relationship has had those thoughts. I held back on affection especially on my pet dog because he used to beat and kick it and I was terrified of drawing attention to him. I think I did the same with my son. Scare when my ex was about that he would become jealous and target our child. I’d seen it with my dog and I’m a fast learner. Your children deserve a happy mum. Regarding finances. The sooner you have a legal separation the better. Your debt is his debt if you’re married. Get some good legal advice. It was a hard fight for me too. In the end he was removed removed the home with bail conditions. His fault not mine. I thought he was being reasonable about the separation. Even generous in what he was saying but it was all lies. When it came to actions, they were violent. Lies are second nature. The worst thing is admitting that the person we loved and thought loved us in return turned out to be a n********t abuser. Get all your ducks in a row. Don’t tell him your plan. Then take that leaf of faith. There is help out there for you. Get Women’s Aid behind you. Keep moving forward x
16th December 2017 at 5:21 pm #51356
It all seems so easy doesn’t it, but putting a plan in to action is the hard part, especially when he is being nice, I feel like I have no right to be this way with him, as he’s done nothing wrong, all the bad stuff gets pushed aside, I’m left wondering how he is going to make me out to the children and family, I love his family they have always been there for me, when he has kicked off and he runs to them telling them what I’ve done what I said how I reacted but they no what he’s temper is like, I try to be cool when he starts but sometimes I do retaliate, we’ve been apart before but somehow always got bk together, I wonder how when I’ve felt these feelings for so long like why did I go back, I don’t get it, I’m going to ring my solicitor Monday morning and find out what my options are, the kids have to be my priority and I’m sure he will use them against me any way he can, that’s how we got bk together last time as he told my daughter that he wants to come home and she kept ringing me saying I’m scared without daddy there, can he just come home, they may feel some of what goes on but there to young to understand, I have had some behaviour Issues with my daughter but we have got threw them, but my young son, is like a mini of his dad, he gets ill temper if I’ve said no to sweets or anything if he don’t get his own way, he’ll stamp his feet throw things he is just like him, if I’m going to grow a decent young man it’s now or never, we are not married but everything is in my name, so if he goes I get left with everything
16th December 2017 at 8:55 pm #51361
I can identify with everything you’ve said. Yes it is really really scary and hard, but his being nice at the moment is because he senses you’ve had enough. Please don’t feel guilty or that he doesn’t deserve to be left. I felt it too, so I told him I was thinking of leaving and listed all the reasons why. I felt I ow
16th December 2017 at 9:47 pm #51363
Sorry I cut myself off. Was trying to say I felt I owed him a chance to change (another one!)
I never really believed he would admit the lies, affairs, control and he’d never admit abuse so never mentioned that word. As predicted he denies any wrongdoing whatsoever, sticks to his mask and says it’s all in my head and because I refuse to share his bed, keep him at arms length etc. He too has been making a bit of an effort to help around the house and replaced the broken windows after (detail removed by moderator).
I know what you mean about fuming inside, but saying nothing. However you definitely should not feel ashamed or guilty or bad about that. I have actually shared his bed twice, I was confused and scared I was falling for his lies and charms just because I’m so lonely and scared of leaving and fending for myself out there in the big bad world. However I realised that I am not under his spell at all. I see what he’s doing see that he’s not even attempting to change. He doesn’t even acknowledge we have problems except the ones in my head.
It’s what they are so good at. Making us feel like it’s all our fault, we’re the problem, we’re never good enough, nothing we do is right. No! Don’t be fooled, I don’t know for sure if they’re just evil or something wrong with them. But mine needs to be in control. He finds ways to punish me if I defy him or stand up to him. Even when I’m trying my best to please him and be the obedient wife he says he wants it’s never right, never good enough.
It really isn’t our fault they are like this, the only thing we can blame ourselves for is loving them more than we love ourselves.
We have to learn to put ourselves first and our own happiness, not theirs
Don’t feel bad about carrying on as normal, it’s the safest thing to do until you are ready to make the split. Women’s aid can help you put a plan together. They understand my wish to go slowly and have put together a plan with me to keep me motivated and moving forward, but at a rate which doesn’t send me into a panic. They can also point you in the right direction to get the help you need. My local WA have drop in sessions with free legal advice. Have you got a local WA group you could visit or phone? Counselling is also very helpful, it’s helped me see that it’s not my fault and we’re helping me see I am worth it, do deserve happiness and peace
You’re not alone, and you and your children do deserve to be free of fear and happy. Good luck
16th December 2017 at 10:31 pm #51365
I feel that I also am aware now and no it’s all a game to him, I am recognising that if I stay quiet and don’t ask questions we don’t have a problem, if I have problems there mine and should be kept to myself, I hope that in a year I can come on here and we can all discuss how great life is, I hope u get your happy life, stand strong lovely
17th December 2017 at 12:13 am #51368
I’m trying, hope you get the help and support you need. Keep watching for the signs. I’m just going with the flow and try not to rock the boat. A couple of times I’ve snapped at him and he’s yelled back at me and I walk away and tell myself to chill. I was really worried at first, but then I realised that’s normal for us actually so I don’t worry so much now. Try not to stress too much about it or keep it all in. Just keep posting and phone the helpline when it’s safe. Good luck
17th December 2017 at 10:06 pm #51410lilacladyParticipant
I was in exactly the same position as you last year. I had got to the point where I had identified what he was doing and knew I needed to get out. It was hard at Christmas as he went back to being mr nice guy so I just went with the flow knowing deep in my heart it wasn’t right. Ring your solicitor find out what your options are that was the first thing I did. Then I worked on a plan. So do that. It will make you feel better knowing you are making small steps to get out. It is hard it is scary but just keep sticking to what your gut is telling you. Do you have good support anyone you can talk to that really helped me too. I got out and having a place (even tho rented) was so much better to have calm and peace and not deal with his explosions. Its not been easy but being out has been much better. SO just work on a plan listen to yourself get support. You can do this. and keep posting here too really helps xx
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