14th April 2019 at 10:07 pm #76003PurpleCloudParticipant
Hey. It’s been a while since i’ve Posted on here. I used to post a lot. A lot of you may have seen, and I hope I didn’t worry anybody by not posting. I started to lose myself again, and so stopped posting. I left the job I loved, and got a job closer to “our” house, like he wanted.. but it worked out best for me, which I guess isn’t great for him. I love my new job, i’m Progressing in my career so much and my management are so impressed. I’m at exactly where I need to be! Issue is, my “relationship” is worse than ever. I’d love to say I haven’t been posting because things have been good or i’ve Been busy with work, but the truth is, my other half has been beyond bad. I’ve been so isolated other than work. He went through my phone (detail removed by Moderator) and saw I had told (detail removed by Moderator) what had been going on. He saw EVERYTHING. I didn’t know he knew my password. Usually, when he’s bad, he breaks things in my home, and hits me, spits on me, or bites me, but that night he saw the texts he was calm. He said i’d Betrayed him and it’s going to take a while for me to build up his trust, and so he said I can’t be trusted to see my friends for a long time now, but he was calm.. at the time, I was happy he was calm, but on reflection, that scares me. I went home for the weekend and saw my family (detail removed by Moderator) . My mum painted my nails, I had my hair done, and I went for drinks with my sister and saw my beautiful baby niece and nephews. I had an AMAZING weekend.. but the whole time, he was either giving me the silent treatment or calling me names. I didn’t tell him I went for drinks because he’d be mad. He told me I was a bad girlfriend who can’t be trusted. I’m like the “(detail removed by Moderator) ”, he’s going too “(detail removed by Moderator) ” yet I came back to the house after a couple of days and he was apologetic. He “(detail removed by Moderator) ” he will “(detail removed by Moderator) ”. I can’t describe how low I feel. Going from happy to low is making me ill. I have a beautiful family and a new job which i’m Acing, but I come home and i’m Scared. I’m scared to eat, sleep, and my brain constantly thinking about the bad things he’s said about me. When i’m Home with my family i’m Happy, but I miss him. Why do I miss a person who does nothing but wear me down. Trauma bonding, stupid stupid trauma bonding that’s why. He thinks i’m A “(detail removed by Moderator)” with my new job, when all i’ve Ever done is try hard for our future. I moved away to a new city for him, I left my friends, i’m Slowly making new friends at my new job and all my old friends i’m Back in contact with and he hates every second of that. I’m so confused. I went for a walk the other day, in my hometown, and I breathed in the fresh air alone and I was so happy, and then I thought of him, and half of me missed him and half of me felt sick and angry. You know, my thoughts are starting to scare me. I’m in a career (detail removed by Moderator) i’m Fully aware of the signs, impacts, and the detrimental impact it has on a person and how it changes an individuals thought processes but here I am, reamainng in this relationship and I don’t know why. I don’t see a way out of this, not a good way anyway, and i’m Really struggling. I need to start writing on here again to talk to you guys, and I need to start keeping a log again so I can read back so I remember the things he does. I need help again, I don’t think i’m Strong enough to deal with this on my own, I haven’t been on here for a couple of months, I haven’t had the energy, but I need too because I know how much it helped me before.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.💕
14th April 2019 at 10:25 pm #76005LandyParticipant
Oh Purplecloud, your life sounds so like mine before my OH got arrested. I think I can actually feel your pain and despair 🙁 Have you been in touch with WA? I’m really worried about you. That life that makes you feel so happy is out there for you, I promise. The trauma bonding is so hard, but you work your way through it, one day at a time. Please keep posting. Please take care of you x
14th April 2019 at 10:38 pm #76008PurpleCloudParticipant
@landy, i’m sorry you had to go through that too, it really hurts me knowing others are going through this/ have been, and I always wonder if the person came out of the other side well or not. I have so many positive things and people in my life, but this one negative thing, this thing I cannot escape from is ruining me. I used to be called the “smiley one”, I never ever used to stop laughing and smiling and I loved being around people, but now I feel happy when I experience silence. It scares me how much I like silence, and long walks in the dark, and nothing scares me anymore, not even him. I let him hit me and I don’t fight back anymore. I say sorry and go to work like nothing happened, but now all I do is cry, and I just want silence, I just want everything to be quiet, and calm, and I just want to not feel how I do. I am trying so so hard, in every aspect, but I don’t know when enough is enough. I have called WA once or twice, but it’s rare I get time alone! If i’m Not at home i’m On a train, and if i’m Not on a train i’m In a busy place worried someone will hear me. It’s hadd for me to call them.
15th April 2019 at 6:53 am #76024LandyParticipant
I’d really encourage you to keep trying with WA. They deal with people in your situation all the time and know how hard it can be to take calls.
In the end, I just longed for peace. And now, although things are tough, I have it. No one should live like you do. I hated having to go to work like everything was ok. You deserve more and you’ll be ok because you’re strong. Look what you’re putting up with. What could be worse than that?
Please keep posting. Message me if it helps. I certainly don’t know all the answers, but your post really resonated with me because your situation sounds so similar to mine. We’re both on the same road, but it sounds like I’m just a bit ahead of you in sorting myself out and I promise you, it’s worth it x
15th April 2019 at 7:14 am #76026she-raParticipant
Well done for coming back and posting again my lovely. I too can resonate with lots of this. I used to have ‘pay’ if I went out with my friends etc. In the end it wasn’t worth the aggravation it caused.(detail removed by Moderator) It so hard. I also am a very smiley, happy, positive person when not near him. They jut suck the life out of you eventually. I too craved peace, which I can say I have now he’s gone. I am very recently free so am just taking tentative steps to building my life back up, but I can assure you now there is more peace than not. There is no fear to go home. I found it hard to ring WA too, in the end I left a message and asked to be phoned back in my lunch break and just went for a walk and found a bench near by to take the call and write stuff down. I did this a few times. You say you do go for walks perhaps this would be a good time?
Keep going ym lovely we’re all here for you x*x
17th April 2019 at 5:58 pm #76172DamagedGoodsParticipant
Dear Purple Cloud ( and anyone else who just can’t seem to leave)
When I read all the posts I’m in tears and I get a stress headache because you take me back to ”then”.
But I wanted to say a few things that might help….things I only realised when they grey hair started to come out of my head….
What I should’ve said to myself years ago….
I’m a person who has just as much right to be here and to live as he has.
I actually would like to wake up every morning smiling.
I’d like to look in the mirror and smile.
I don’t mock him, or bully him, or hit him, or make him cry.
He does that to me.
He actually IS a bad nasty person.
WHY am I trying to please him?
Do I think I’m worth LESS than him?
Yes I do.
It’s like I’m a dog that he’s chained up…and he comes along and kicks me every day…….and I take it cos I BELIEVE he’s better than me….and the worst of it is that he NEEDS me to be in that position. Coz it makes him feel better about himself. Like he’s a man and he’s in charge.
Ask yourself what you want from life. Try to remember what you wanted to be ‘when you grew up’. Try to remember what made you laugh, what made you happy, what you were good at…..
FREINDS AND FAMILY… if you think they’re going to judge you for leaving, for not being able to make your relationship work, they’re not worth it. Your real true people are the ones who want you to be HAPPY…you know who they are, the ones who have your back. It might only be one person. But I can assure you that they are actually waiting for the day when you come to them and say I’ve had enough of him, I’m leaving. They KNOW what’s happening, even if you haven’t told them.
There IS somewhere you can go too.
I know it’s a serious cliché, but you really only have one life. Every day you stay, is a day you have lost. And when you get old (yes, that’s me and my grey hair) you will regret every day you lost.
When last did you feel giddy with happiness?
B****r him, you deserve to giggle, …
17th April 2019 at 6:38 pm #76175IwantmebackParticipant
Hi DG, I’ve just read your post, thsnk you, just what I was needing.
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