It’s been a while… again

[PurpleCloud]

Hi everyone. I haven’t posted on here for a long time. In fact, it seems like forever! I haven’t actually checked the last time I posted but I know it was a long time ago. I’ve wanted to post, in fact I typed something out on here around Christmas time but it deleted somehow? But writing it down even though it deleted sort of helped.

Things aren’t great with me at the moment. My partner hasn’t/ isn’t changing. Things are going well for me in other aspects, my career, family, friends… in fact I have an interview coming up! I left my job (I left another job) before Christmas. My team threw me a huge leaving party and everybody got really emotional. They thought I left because of the commute, that’s a classic line for me.. but I left because I couldn’t deal with home life and work stress at once, again. I have an interview and I’m super excited it’s a huge opportunity and you know, I think I might get this. But part of me doesn’t want it.

I’m living in a city I no longer can relate too, my family and friends are far away, and although I love my beautiful home, my partners ruined it for me. I don’t feel happy in it anymore. I break down a lot when I’m cleaning, stroking my cat thinking.. how, at such a young age, have I achieved so much yet hurt so much. I’m honestly crying writing this feeling confused not knowing what to do or where I am at with everything.

Before Christmas time, my partner abused me physically quite significantly. He broke things, important things to me. He ripped leaving cards, broke presents. He bruised me, and he ached my heart. For the first time in a long time I went back to my hometown and family and friends alone, (removed by moderator)!!! It helped me remember how bad he is and how safe I feel with my amazing family. I told my brothers a small snippet about my life away e.g. he breaks things sometimes and his insecurity makes me cry. I didn’t tell them he hits me, strangled me, bruises my legs most weeks and tells me nobody loves or cares about me. I always seem to miss those parts out.

My best friend knows he beat me badly over Christmas. She said she doesn’t want to see him anymore and that she’ll be nice if she see’s him so he doesn’t know she knows but wants me to visit her more instead. She lives away also. I keep saying everyone lives away but they don’t, it’s me who lives away.

Anyway, I ended up going back to my partner after he said he reflected for (removed by moderator) we were apart. He’s sorry. He doesn’t deserve me. He’s a monster. I’m pretty. I’m amazing. I’m worth a lot more than he is and if I will just give him one more chance. How many times have I heard that? But yeah I obviously thought this time was different. A week. Within a week, he threw something at me and my leg is badly bruised. I feel sick knowing he did this to me.

You know, (removed by moderator). I can’t think About my interview. I can only think about how sad I am. How I called women’s aid earlier today and spoke for an hour and realised how crazy this situation is. How unsafe this is. How I can choose happiness but I don’t feel anything anymore. Life is way too short to be feeling all of this at once and it’s too much. One day I’m positive, the next I don’t even feel human, does that make sense?

It’s just me and him in a bubble, and no matter how hard I try to be perfect and not upset him everything upsets him and I can’t win. I’m starting to believe the beatings aren’t going to stop and I don’t know how much longer both physically and mentally my body can take. I’m such a positive person on a daily basis, and when he’s not around I see how happy I am, but equally, I can’t leave because my heart thinks it loves him.

Sorry for the rant everybody. I just remember how much all of your comments used to help my mind and help me rest, so I thought.. tonight’s the night I talk again. I’m also thinking about visiting a GP, what are your thoughts? I think I need someone to talk too face to face but I want it to remain confidential, I’m worried if I disclose it will be taken further, do you have any advice? I work in this sorta sector so I understand if certain things are said confidentiality can be breached.. let me know your thoughts.

Thanks so much,
Purple Cloud
❤️

[KIP.]

Hey there and welcome back. I think it’s a great idea to open up to your GP and also to get support from your local women’s aid. Abuse always gets worse and it’s not his insecurities that make him abusive. He chooses that x

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you ALL for your kind words and responses. Although it takes me a while to respond, I always read your messages and feel a lot better in the moment. You are all truly inspiring and your meaningful words bring such comfort.

“It’s not his insecurities that make him abusive, he chooses that” – KIP I really needed to hear that. It makes perfect sense.

HunkyDory, thanks so much for your response. I will speak to a GP, eventually, I know it’s the right thing to do. I’m so sorry my experience reminds you of yours, I really wished nobody felt how I do, it saddens me knowing that, and it hurts me knowing other people are feeling this low because until you are in it, the situation, you cannot ever imagine it.

DIYMum@1, thanks so much. I know I’m not alone. I know that now. I have so many people around me, all of your support on here. It brings great hope knowing you saying I can have a great life. I hope I choose that one day.

Hetty, I agree with every word. Nothing is a coincidence with him. Everything is calculated and I deep down know that. Your post I really related too. We do not have to choose this. At the moment, we are, but that’s the moment and we all know how quickly things can change, good and bad, but I know one day we will ALL CHOOSE the good. It will take some of us longer than others, but we need to keep reminding ourselves of that better future. I love looking at the sky and walking through fields and having that one magical moment, for a second, where everything feels so nice and calm.

Love to you all,
PurpleCloud.

[HunkyDory]

Hi Purple Cloud. You sound exactly like I did. One person around him (a shell) and my happy outgoing self around everyone else. I have a stressful job and looking back I don’t know how I functioned all those years and continued to be good at my job.

Take pictures of your bruises and hide them a away in a folder on your phone. Keep a journal and every time he does this write how he makes you feel. It will be useful when you’re out. You sound like you have wonderful friends and family and a great job. He won’t get better. Things won’t get better. You can’t fix him. It will get worse. He sounds exactly like my ex – I was always covered in bruises. Then he put me in hospital and that was the wake up call I needed. Please don’t let it get that far for you.

Please make a plan to leave safely so you can start living your life.

Keep posting and let us know how you’re doing. Xx

[HunkyDory]

Definitely speak to your doctor xx

[diymum@1]

I do a line of work too that makes me look at all the angles off the situation but I take the worst. I do feel dramatic when I write advice but I’ve seen it with my own eyes. We minimise I did this too but abuse does escalate and if he is strangling you that is very dangerous xx you have support you could have such a great life. I think you know you’re self what you have to do. You will find happiness but you have to do the hard bit first. But we’re right here 🤗 love diymum

[Hetty]

You don’t have to hurt. You don’t have to live this way. Make that GP appointment and start thinking about a future away from him. It sounds more than a coincidence that he subjected you to a beating right around the time your colleagues were so kind and generous to you. Sounds like hideous jealousy and he made you pay.
I totally know what you mean about achieving yet feeling so unhappy. I was outside yesterday morning and the sun was shining in a beautiful blue sky and I could only feel the tiniest faint spark of what it’s like to live a content and peaceful life. I tried to grasp it inside but I just couldn’t because my husband has depleted me emotionally. I know what it’s like to hate coming home from work with no joy in my home. Only rants and criticism. I’m making plans to get me a happier life. We only have one short life and is this how we want to live? Its a living nightmare x

[Author]

Posts