It’s been a while/set back

[Still-trying]

Hi, it’s been a while since I posted… I can’t remember my old log in details unfortunately so I don’t know if anyone will remember or recognise my situation. I was always very unsure if my ex was abusive or if I was just difficult to be with.. or if it was a mixture of the two. He left me many times (more whilst I was pregnant) and physically hurt me but not badly and usually only after I’d argued with him relentlessly. He was arrested twice but he never hit me, just put his hand around my throat, pushed me, dragged me, threw things at me and spat at me.. it never ended up going to court though because of lack of evidence… he didn’t leave big bruises so it really wasn’t that bad.
The thing that messed my head up most was how he would leave and then come back. After years of being back and forth, he eventually fully discarded me on the day a family member died and the day i found out I was pregnant with another child that we’d planned.. he apparently no longer wanted the baby and it was the last straw for him. He was dating someone new within weeks.

It’s been a while since he left now and I’m not where I feel I should be. I’ve put on weight because all I do is comfort eat, so physically I’m less confident than I was when I was with him. And I’m still not back in full time regular work, so Im not fully able to even support myself or my children without benefits and my parents hand Outs. Whilst I’m glad that I’m not in that constant state of worry (wondering when and why he will leave me next). I certainly don’t feel better about myself.

I didn’t like myself or understand my anxiety even before he came along, I know that I can be hard work because my anxiety can make me feel frustrated and angry at times and I can be relentless and irrational sometimes too, so I’m enough to send anyone over the edge.. but I do alway apologise for everything. A few people have said he knew that, and used it to his advantage but I’m not sure if he is really that cruel?! He doesn’t abuse his current girlfriend so maybe he either wasn’t abusing me or it was my fault?!

I have ptsd now too and this week has been a massive mental health set back. Every little thing has sent my head spinning, I’m back to wondering if I’d been a more laid back person, less anxious etc would We have worked out. He once said ‘you’re so messed up, I can’t fix you’.. but I didn’t expect him to fix me?!

Im sick of this up and down emotional state. I’ve had all the counselling the nhs can offer which has helped me understand some things but I still don’t have all the answers.
I also don’t want to do the freedom program because I’ve read the book it’s based on and he doesn’t fit in any of the abusive personality boxes. He never called me ugly or fat, didn’t stop me seeing friends or control money. If anything, reading that book made me more convinced he wasn’t abusive.

I’ve ended up arguing with and shouting at my mum recently which makes me wonder if I’m the abuser and if actually it really was no wonder he kept leaving. Since we ended he’s been so reasonable and amicable, never once lost his cool with me or got upset… but I’ve been an emotional wreck at times. And that will just prove him right won’t it. I’ve you’ve read this far I really appreciate it

[KIP.]

Hi there, I can see by your post that you are still defending and minimising his behaviour. You are still accepting blame for his behaviour. Until you manage to break free from these thoughts you won’t heal. What he did to you was horrendous, illegal, brutal and there is no excuse for that. He manipulated you emotionally, I think I remember an incident in a hotel room too if you’re who I remember? He left you with PTSD because of his behaviour. How do you know he’s not abusing his new girlfriend? He wouldn’t brag about it and she would, like you, do her utmost to hide any abuse. Please do the freedom programme. You will have specialist support to explain his abuse and your reactions to it. Don’t think about what he didn’t do. Think about what he did.
He left you many times even whilst carrying his child
He physically hurt you
He was arrested twice
Put his hand around your throat
Spat at you
Threw things at you
Emotionally abused you
Badly neglected you
Left you with PTSD
None of this was your fault x

[Still-trying]

Yes that’s me. Thanks you so much for your response and for remembering my previous posts. It really does mean so much!! I haven’t been able to go over much of the things that went on in that Relationship because the sessions were so limited. At the end of my counselling, she just said ‘perhaps you should go back to women’s aid’… all you ladies on here have dragged me out of some dark places but it’s sad that the professionals can’t help more. After the hotel assault, I was so sure that he was abusive.. I had months away from him and felt so good but then I took him back. He owned up to everything he did, we went to couples counselling (although never mentioned the physical side as we didn’t think we’d be allowed counselling and were worried they’d involve social services)… he put in so much effort to making me believe he’d seen the error of his ways and that he truly loved me, that when he eventually left for good… I really believed (still sort of do) that it was my fault. That he’d changed and that it was my fault we couldn’t make it work because I’m impossible to be with. I was impossible to be with though.. I was really hard work at times. If I had never mentioned the physical abuse, I’m not sure anyone would ever think he abused me. I honestly think they would say that he tried his best to make it work and that I was just too messed up

[Twisted Sister]

Have you ever pushed him around? Tried to bully him? Would you put your hands round someone’s throat?

I know I would never, even tho its happened to me and I struggle with believing too. I keep having to think about what he did do, not what he didn’t.

It’s the reasons I haven’t recovered so well as spent so long with the thoughts going round and round the same it stops you from moving on.

I do have to keep thinking those are things I wouldn’t do, to be so cruel, and I am pretty sure I remember that hotel room assault, as I’ve been on here a while too.

Your friends know you hold you hands up to any hurts or misunderstanding s you’ve caused, and like they said, hes taken advantage of that.

I hope all these things will help you see some of this more clearly as it certainly doesn’t sound to me like this is anything other than him being abusive and its shocking.

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

I would add about the weight gain that happened to me massively, I added two stone and felt really heavy and I’ll, but over time (and with more worry) lost over a stone of that now, but it’s taken years and being a bit strict with myself and getting exercise to be a bit fitter. I have bumped into a f ew of the women I was inbrefuge with and we’ve all grown quite a bit! But I think we were all underweight with anxiety poor sleep, and not eating/looking after self properly.

Hope you can relate to some of our words

X

[Still-trying]

Thank you for your reply twisted sister, it really does help reading things on here. Even if people are repeating the same things to me over again as it reminds me and gives more at least some clarity.
I did lose a lot of weight quickly after my youngest was born but it wasn’t healthily.
I didn’t ever physically hurt him but as I said, I’m not easy to be with. I think my anxiety used to drive him mad.. my own parents get frustrated with me and sometimes think I’m causing a fuss over nothings. Like when I’m stressing about things my parents will give me the solution I still feel stressed. He would think I was being ungrateful too for that sort of stuff. That’s what the hotel assault was over. Because I was anxious about eating in the restaurant and he thought I was being ungrateful

[KIP.]

What he did to you was not a normal reaction to being irritated. He chose to abuse you because he is a nasty selfish abuser. He wouldn’t have done those things to strangers who he knows would have reported him or dumped him in a minute. Abuse creeps up on us usually over a period of time. Being with an abuser makes us anxious. The walking on eggshell around them. He actually used your anxiety that he caused against you. You probably didn’t feel like eating because being in close proximity to him was making you anxious although at the time you wouldn’t recognise it. I used to get hugely anxious when my son went out. It took me years to realise I wasn’t anxious about my son going out, I was actually anxious because I was being left alone with my abuser and that’s when he chose to abuse me. Working out our thoughts and retiring them is a very important part of recovery and the freedom programme is a good start. Then a really good therapist trained in domestic abuse. One other thing is that while being abused, our rational brain shuts down. It goes back to our basic instincts of fight, flight or freeze. So our rational part needs to shut down to allow our fight and flight instinct to kick in and save us. Leaving us with very very little head space to work out that we are actually being abused. My PTSD can cause mood swings too. Be kind to yourself. You’re making progress but for me Knowledge Is Power. KIP X

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