It's hard to leave when he is all nice again, please help

[Lotus20]

Hi ladies and please help me to get my strength to leave,

It has been years of games and abuse and now I’m leaving but now for a few days he is been nice and no control or sarcasm a little cold at times but is nothing like last week full of agression and sarcasm and all the games that he has played and I can see them clearly now. But just now he is nice and makes me doubt myself and feel guilty for weather I’m doing the right things though deep inside I know I do and is all too late.

I know I’m not alone and is normal but need your thoughts and support please.

Thank you,

[Happydaysagain]

Morning Lotus, hope your ok

Don’t ever doubt yourself. I felt the same this week when he was sending me lovely messages and appearing to be reasonable.

Like you said though you’ve had years of ‘games’ – abusers are clever and they know exactly what they’re doing and believe me they never change.

Stay strong and look after yourself x

[Beautifulday]

Hi @lotus20
This is exactly what my H does , its all the cycle abuse and im slowly learning about that. I think im severely trauma bonded I got with him not long after I came out of a long term relationship that wasn’t great so I think I was young and naive, also my Father was never really there for me growing up (my mother was brilliant as were the rest of my family and I had a good upbringing) but I think subconsciously I missed a male figure in my life? My H is older than me and when we met I thought he was knowledgeable, had lived in different countries different cities etc whereas I had never really been outside my village so it was all amazing for me but looking back I know i was just naive, since growing up and maturing ive slowly began to realise its not healthy but I feel trapped almost stuck to him and this is trauma bonding. With regards to the being nice he is the master of this and he knows how I work. Last night I tried telling him I wasn’t happy & wanted to separate he didnt speak to me, ignored me. This morning I got up he was sitting all smiles morning lovely do you want a cup of tea? I was just baffled. But whereas before I’d fall for this now I dont. I just said no thank you kept it to the point and I’ve been doing my own thing im not backing down this time even though inside I feel extremely guilty (why i do not know)
After last night I felt so drained, ill, worn out and now this morning its like hes brushed it all under the carpet like nothing happened. Its mentally exhausting, dont fall for it lovely, stick to your plan its very hard but its their plot, they know how we work, and they think ah shell just back down again that’s what they think, they programme us and brainwash us. Its just horrific

[Lotus20]

Thank you Happydaysagain,

I can’t find words to say how your messages has helped me to find my feet again and it’s just I needed a mirror to look. I was feeling very weak again just looking at how nice he is trying to be, although I can see this and have been seeing this happened before is just a flip of qoin andbthings changes quickly.
I certainly see the pattern and see why I am still here and totally get what you mean by them being clever, I’m just shocked how this is imprinted in them and in us, in terms of being sucked intonit so easily and stay in it.

I am out of this and wont allow to be fooled anymore. I will strong as I was once and I will get my life back.

Thank you,

[Lotus20]

Hi Beautifulday,

I hope your better and feeling yourself.
I totally get what you mean and have been through this so many times and for so long. Also coming from a very abusive background so a little niceness means a lot to me and weakens me so much. I found as you did the best is to close all the doors that he can get into me. And that of corse frustrates him and makes me initially guilty. But honesty I’m not the one who wants to hurt him I’m the one who is been hurt so much and I can not ever trust again. And I just needed to take this out of me and he has been showing his gentle side again. But you ladies showed me again and reminded me how this all works and also I know that’s how I have been kept in this cycle that’s a totally new thing to me too and it blows my mind when I see this so clearly now although I also feel sick in my tummy knowing what I have been going through and how many times I seriously wanted to ciut and he was tearful and bought back to his games. I also wonder how much he is aware of this and I think he is not aware of it and I see he has learnt this from his own family.I feel very scared still very strong knowing what I know now.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lotus20, this is all part of the control. He will try to suck you back in to regain his control and each time he succeeds in doing this, you become weaker. They really don’t change. We convince ourselves for so long that they will that eventually we start to blame ourselves and ask if it really is that bad and question whether we bring out the worse in them. This is all part of their games towards us.

Getting out probably seems like it’s the harder option right now, but in the long run you will be happy, eventually. I hope you find the strength to do the right thing hun xx

[diymum@1]

Have you kept a journal of his abuse? This really helps when they love bomb you remember this is the push and pull effect that’s how we all get so conditioned this is why it’s so hard to leave xx if you look up grooming this will become clear xx reward and punish is very powerful xx I suppose it’s brain washing xx

[Lotus20]

Hi turtlelove,

Thank you, and you are so right I certainly feel so much weaker now as compare to the first time that I said I’m out of this. And it’s like a kind of addiction, your body or brains wants to belive him and can’t leave him or the current whatever situation is. It is bounding and trauma boubding. I’m just clicking again and again and it’s like my whole brain and body is light bulbs now. I can’t turn them off anymore as I get to know how I was and I am trapped in the first place and till now. I feel shaking as this realization is so true and so deep and makes do much sense.
I know that I don’t want to live my life like this and I also have a good reference comparing how happy and social I was before and how active and confidence I was once before getting sucked into this abusive ccyle. I don’t know how to feel, regret, anger, blame, guilt, discussed, lots of emotions about myself as why I didn’t see this earlier or get out when I saw and why I did let this happen to me. I know all this feelings are a part of healing process. I can say it’s painful but is like a bitter drug that you need to take to recover.

Yes and getting out is scary as it is but I’m up for it I know I have done much more difficult things I my life although this is the hardest as I have a baby but all I want is being free from abuse with my baby. I need the right help and I hope to get it.

Thanks again for your support it means alot as I was losing my mind by getting sucked into his games again.

[Lotus20]

Hi diymum1

Thank you for your great points, no I have not looked at grooming, but I think makes so much sense and will do look at it right away.
And I have only strayed an actual diary but some how my brain has kept the most painful events very well and they are useful when I look back. I need to keep this pain alive for now to be able where all these coming from and to know that I’m not going crazy.

Thanks alot again, it means so much to be able to hear yourself back again and to hear from people who have experienced the same and to confirm that you’re not going crazy and for that matter for not going crazy I need to get out.

[Eggshells]

Hi Lotus20, I’ve been following you but having responded because I’ve had nothing more that I can say that the others haven’t already said. I just wanted to lend you some support. This has clearly been a very difficult few weeks for you and now you have to deal with him being in hte hoovering part of the cycle. You have been so strong and so wise and from what you have said, you are not going to be drawn in again. Well done for your strength and your courage. xx

[Lotus20]

Hi Eggshells,

You’re making me tearful. I have a part of me that wants to be string and really tries and finds my feet and there is a little parts of me that keeps falling for his traps and the cycle. But it means so much to have the support of this community and to read all the wise words that you’re sharing and the similar journeys that women’s are going on their own.
I wish you all the very best for being so amazing and so loving. I hope youre also doing well.

Yes I am trying to find away through the darkness and through the unknown, I am trying to get hold of the right and helpful people and I really look forward to free myslef and my baby from the abusive environment.

Thank you so much again.

[Beautifulday]

@Lotus20 You will get there! We will all get there! I know we will, for some of us its harder and when people say to me just leave! Its easier said than done especially if your severely trauma bonded like myself. I can completely sympathise and relate to you because I feel exactly the same !
What I keep telling myself is that even though it feels like I’m not getting anywhere I have! I made the step to register on this forum then plucked up the courage to post , I then called my local WA again had to pluck up courage and was a nervous wreck. Then Friday I had a telephone appt with a solicitor to chat about options and for the morning before I couldnt eat, I didnt sleep as I felt so nervous and guilty but I did it! Then I wasn’t having a very good time last night but today I’ve made contact with a counsellor who specialises in DA and im going to book an appt to chat about my attachment and trauma bonding again small step but a step nonetheless !! Im taking baby steps and you should to! Try not to be hard on yourself and try to be kind yourself i know yhis is hard as I find it so difficult but we will get there! And I know you will! We a have good days and bad days but take each day as it comes and try not to look too far into the future but focus on thr now, im so terrible for thinking what if this what if that, what if this happens, where will I go? Etc etc im trying to focus on each day and the small positives out of each day and the small steps I make, however small. They will try to break us down, they will play mind games they will be all nice its all part of their warped mentality! We have to be strong and fight through it , we got this ! Sending you a big hug lovely x*x

[Lotus20]

Hi beautifulday

Firstly well done for all the positive steps, not is small and all big step, knowing where we are coming from. I admire you’re courage and planing for you’re own freedom. Yes the truma binding and the truma feelings, scary but also so deeply seated that even seeing it and feeling it is biggest step itself. And as you said can’t think or see into the future too far as it makes it all harder, all I can think of is the sense of freedom from this. As I’m typing again my heart is beating, been hard to eat or sleep for days now, but I do my best to eat and sleep. Such a game thr plays our mind and body.
I think you should be proud of your step and each step only makes us stronger and closer to be ourselves once again.
And no one from the outside but only people here Kyl truely know what a scary journey this is.
And luckily even through the time that he is trying to suck me back, he can’t help but showing his real side too and those little moments are enough reminder of what’s happening and been happening.
Also thank you for saying that you have been following me, it makes me feel that I’m not all alone but also is a good check to know where I m

Hope you get through another step successfully and please keep your fingers crossed for me.

All the best and thank you for being you and so supportive.

[Bandit]

Hello,

I am very new here and experiencing exactly the same. I’m desperate to find some reassurance that leaving is the right thing to do, there have been no arguments for the past couple of weeks (it’s all emotional not physical) he’s being loving, wanting to go away for bank holiday, it’s as if it sucks me in to think, what a wonderful life this is what married life is about and I’m totally mistaken. I then get a wave of what he has done to me over the past (detail removed by moderator). I have a daughter who is (detail removed by moderator) (not with him thank goodness) she has heard everything & knows what he has done. I’ve been made to be isolated from my family, only have one sister as both parents have passed away, he hates my sister, started to s**g off my one good friend, twists everything I say, so aggressive, it’s my fault if I haven’t told him it’s raining at home and he’s on the train back from (detail removed by moderator), there were (detail removed by moderator)  occasions (detail removed by moderator) when the police were called due to aggressive behaviour & I felt threatened, I have never heard the end of it, being told it wasn’t necessary, I over reacted, i constantly walk on eggshells, there is lots more of this behaviour. I then discovered he was seeing prostitutes, our sex life was great, this was the last I was expecting as no need to think otherwise, he had even said there is nothing we don’t do he would want to do) it was eating away at me for (detail removed by moderator) but I was also being detective, I confronted him, he denied it all (I’ve seen the evidence and there is no doubt what he done) he said he was disgusted with himself and he would never do it again, then he did (detail removed by moderator), he refused to log onto online banking to prove he withdrew (detail removed by moderator) (we have separate bank accounts and that god I do, the only thing he doesn’t control is my money). He refused to talk about it, explain why he done it, set boundaries, seek counselling for us to try and over one this he just wants to brush it under the carpet, if I bring it up he always twists the convo back to my sister and how much he hates her, it’s always me. I have no trust in what he tells me & he clearly has no respect for me, I know no-one is perfect but I do absolutely everything for him, have given thus marriage everything as that’s what marriage means to me, I make the commitment for life and he treats me like this, my sister says he has consumed me and I think his behaviour is acceptable as I know no different and it is so wrong.

I got the strength to find rented accommodation, due to make the move anyday now & wanted to be in before my daughter starts back at school but im like a yo yo wondering if I am making the right decision, I’ve been an emotional wreck & feel so terrible, not sleeping, eating. It’s as if I’m trying to find a reason not to leave but in my gut,I can’t & I have to do this for my daughter & myself, it is sooo hard and feel I just dont have that final bit of strength.

😢

 

 

[Beautifulday]

Hi @Bandit!
And welcome to the forum, lovely to meet you.
It sounds like you’ve had a terrible time and in a avusive relationship, you’ve done the right thing coming here and made that first step. There are lots of lovely women here who will reply and give you words of advice.
What you describe is somewhat similar to my situation. Im also married , my H is emotionally abusive but on the behinning was physical too. I joined the forum during lockdown as it gave me clarity and had kind of a light bulb moment, I want to leave and ive had advice from a solicitor regarding the house.
BUT like yourself I am not eating or sleeping and constantly thinking am I making the right decision?I always feel guilty and he knows exactly how to work me. I think he’s sensed a change in me so is being all nicey nice. (Detail removed by moderator) he upset me slammed a door full force in my face nearly hit me in the face all day i was upset no call or text from him apologising then come home to flowers? I was baffled and now I see through it its all part of the cycle of abuse, if you can Google this and also trauma bonding , intermittent reinforcement , these are a few terms you’ll hear quite a lot on this forum. You are not alone lovely and you have made the brave step to find accommodation and you know you want to leave. I wish I had your courage! ..
Please don’t question yourself what you described in abuse, and you deserve better. He has already cheated on you if he loved you he wouldn’t have done it. He has no respect for you sounds secretive , manipulating. Marriages should have no secrets, we should be open with each other. It sounds to me like because he knew you took him back and forgave him he knows he can do whatever he likes and will get away with it.
Youve made the right step by seeking out accommodation, please call your local womens aid they are brilliant. And also try to read and educate yourself as I find it makes me stronger. You are doing absolutely the right thing for you and your daughter.

 

 

[Lotus20]

Hi Bandit,

I’m sorry, it seems you have gone through a lot.
I agree with the Beautiful day, well done for taking the initial step.
It is as it said the troma bounding, I am now left after my body and my mind could not take the abuse anymore. And I have kept to question myself a lot. One problem is that when you crave going back you knly remember the good things, I don’t know why the brain does that, but when you have the flash backs of what bad has been done you know you’re doing the right thing. It is hard, very hard. People keep saying to keep a diary of everything. Even though I recently started I have not gone to read them back because I think I’m avoiding it to protect myself from getting hurt but the nice things he said or did comes to mind, specially our home that I made it a home.
But just be persistence and you get through it. I keep saying is like addiction, when you want to stop you get withdrawal symptoms and then you persist and get through it and your mind and body become clear from the troma.

Just post here and reads the posts here, it has been a great help for me.

All the best and stay strong. I know we get weak a lot but there are moments that we feel the strengths, keep holding to those moments and finding them again and again would eventually become a constant strength.

[Bandit]

Hello @Lotus20 and @ beautifulday

Thank you both for your responses, I’m so sorry for all of what you both have gone through too. I keep reading all what you have said and im nodding as you are so right the brain remembers all the good but not the bad, I have been keeping diaries and it tears me up inside what I have put up with, yet I’m still here at the moment, I keep saying to myself it is all so wrong yet it is so hard to break free when you are in this situation.

@beautifulday, you are so right with if he loved me he wouldn’t have cheated on me, and it’s more than a handful of times, he knew exactly what he was doing yet It’s not up fir discussion, as if I have to put up & shut up, sad to say I have done that through fear of reprocussions, thinking I can’t live without him, yet one thing that has been clear is if it was reversed, there would be no question where the door would be for me, yet I also feel guilty for what I’m doing.

From reading posts on here, it does give you that bit more strength, to know all of these behaviours & actions are not normal and all of us deserve so much more, writing and talking about things gives me that strength to think, I am absolutely doing the right thing, then you are alone and everything caves in but I know I cannot continue on eggshells, I will come out the other side.

You have both been a great help

[Beautifulday]

Hi @Bandit!
I hope your doing ok?
Absolutely the brain remembers all the good things yet seems to block out thr bad, its our coping mechanism and the brain does this automatically. Try to think of all the bad things hes done I know its hard to do this and upsetting but keep those times vivid in your mind, hold them there and every time you keep being drawn back to the good times keep pulling those bad times to the front, i find this helps me lots. Only yesterday I was having major pangs of guilt for doing what I’m doing thinking I’m being sneaky, or maybe I’m over reacting or maybe this is what relationships are like and that I should just tolerate it I think things like oh he doesnt drink or do drugs so why am I moaning? Or oh he’s never cheated (not that I know) so why am I moaning, we always make excuses for them or to justify their actions.
Yesterday I was thinking back to the nice holidays we had I say nice , most left me a nervous wreck before we were due to fly as he would always never have (detail removed by moderator), would (detail removed by moderator) He’d hold my hand then be all happy and thats the intermittent reinforcement, horrible then nice, horrible then nice, keeps us hooked. So every time I think about the many holidays we went on i think of all them times he shouted or got us late, or swore at me to stop rushing him etc etc, one time we actually did (detail removed by moderator). . . So as hard as it is try doing this .

You deserve to be happy, and what my friend said was good, she said if you are crying or upset and ge doesn’t care its not a healthy relationship, if you have to question if it is its not. Anyone who does things that know upset you isn’t someone that respects you no matter how many things they buy you, or how many meals or holidays they take you on its all fake its all a facade .

Please keep posting and let us know how your getting on sending you a big hug xxxx

[PaleBlueStar]

As my IDVA would say its a tactic.

Mine is now being Mr Reasonable (rather than Mr Nice) but he is also trying to prove to me how hard my life will be wtihout as opposed to with him.

He’s been here during the day and staying in an (detail removed by moderator) at night meaning he is doing nothing to help – no washing, coooking, dog walking etc and I am still working full-time.

Of course a part of me feels sorry for him and questions my decision to end the hell of my marriage but then I remind myself of the bad bits that increased, the promises made that were always broken, all the evidence that I was not important, he didn’t care etc

Stay strong and keep going!

Star x

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