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    • #126175
      Startingtogo
      Participant

      That’s the comment I’ve had back from my partner when I was brave enough to tell them they’re abusing me.

      Two things have happened in the past few months.

      I’ve had a bowl of food wrenched from my hand and poured over my head. Seems I was eating poor quality food and i shouldn’t have gone to the supermarket to buy it as not covid safe to be shopping. This week, I was woken twice in the night when my partner turned my bedroom light to deliberately wake and upset me.

      I’ve had years of verbal abuse and being told I didn’t love my partner enough so after watching eastenders and seeing Chantelles story I had the courage to start working with a counsellor which is great so I know I will resolve this but gosh it’s hard.

      I’ve posted this today for no other reason than i just wanted to get it out, write it and not be silent. I know there are ways to express anger and this s*** isn’t one of them.

    • #126177
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi beautiful Angel,
      I am saddened to hear of your experiences with your abuser.
      I can though, through reading your post feel you stepping into your power, which is fantastic.
      It is great that you are seeing a counsellor and have an awareness that what you are experiencing is not right or how you should be living.
      Keep working on yourself, it is the best investment you can make.
      Sending you continued love and support
      Darcy xx

    • #126190
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      I echo what Darcy said. I feel saddened too but can feel your strength. My ex also used that one, which of course is just one of the many ways they justify their behaviour. I’m so glad you’re able to see through the fog he’s trying to surround you in. I also think it’s fantastic that a soap helped you see what was going on for you.

      Even if you’re seeing a counsellor, I’d recommend reading up on abuse e.g. Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Learning about how abusers work and why they do what they do can be so helpful. One of the things you’ll see is that standing up to abusers will normally result in the abuse escalating, because abuse is all about control and they see it as a sign they’re losing control. Another key thing is that you can’t persuade an abuser that their behaviour is wrong. It can be risky to challenge an abuser so do it with caution.

      In my view and experience, the best way to challenge an abuser is to focus on yourself rather than them, and find ways to respond that make you feel stronger without actively challenging them (actively challenging them can often just result in pointless circular conversations and more abuse). For example, a really good one is to decide you won’t get sucked in when they try to provoke you into an argument. You can’t win the argument anyway, so actively choosing not to engage (rather than retreating in fear) can feel really empowering. You see that you can spare yourself the stress of defending yourself against ridiculous accusations and take a bit of power back for yourself. It’s also a way of telling your mind that it is ok to do what’s best for you rather than what he wants you to do. Sending lots of love xxxx

    • #126195
      Camel
      Participant

      Hello Startingtogo

      I like your name – does it mean you’ve had enough and are finding the strength to get out? I do hope so, because your partner is an abusive controlling violent bully and is dangerously out of control.

      I don’t say this to be dramatic. But when they tipped your food on your head they assaulted you. There is never any justification for putting your hands on another, except in self defence.

      It was brave of you to accuse your partner of abuse. But ultimately this is pointless. Abusers don’t see themselves the way we see them. They have a huge sense of entitlement and a distorted view of their position in the relationship. What they say (and do) goes. They expect us to follow a set of every changing nonsensical rules.

      Our first reaction is always to change of own behaviour in an attempt to appease them. Maybe if we did this or that they’ll be happy with us. But you know from experience that nothing you do (or don’t do) has ever please them.

      Our second reaction is to defend ourselves and call them out on their abuse. We try to have a serious conversation, say how we feel, tell them they’re unjust. We hope they’ll suddenly ‘get it’ and stop. But they never do. You might get a ‘sorry’ always followed with a ‘but’. ‘I’m sorry, but you just make me so angry.’ ‘I’m sorry but you never show me you love me.’

      It’s good that you’ve sought counselling. The other ladies are right that you should use it to regain your inner strength. Concentrate solely on yourself. Don’t look for coping strategies. Don’t use the sessions trying to understand your partner. Use them to understand yourself and how you got to here.

      Wishing you all the luck x

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