It’s lonely being a survivor

[WhiteDaffodils]

I’m a year in separating from a (detail removed by moderator)-year relationship, (detail removed by moderator) since he moved out. Over the course of the year I have seen with more abs more clarity just how bad our relationship was. Only now I’m just about to say out loud that I was a victim of domestic abuse – all kinds: emotional, physical, sexual. After a habit of (detail removed by moderator) of brushing things under the carpet, glossing things over, wilfully forgetting and blaming myself, this feels really hard. And I really struggle with the fact that I’m not ready to explain this to people, what really happened, why we are divorcing, why I’m behaving towards him in the way that I am (arms length, min contact). God knows what he walks around telling people. We were externally a bit of a power couple and he is super charming and gregarious. So some people have just turned their back on me, which is gut wrenching. And then I do have some loyal friends and my family – although they live me and support me I know they don’t understand. And I just don’t have the strength to explain. I think I’m still unconsciously scared that I’m making it all up… I question my own sanity, whether it’s all me actually after all. But anyway, it makes me feel incredibly alone, because I don’t feel I can really talk to anyone about what is really going on. I’m bracing for a court battle for our children, and I’m scared and exhausted. Thank you for this space.

[Hazydayz]

Hi White Daffodils, firstly, Well done for explaining. I hear you, I feel for you, the loudest thing I’m hearing though, is you have friends and family who live you (typo?) and support you. If they are able to show that they love you and you can feel that love for real, I am hoping you feel? that love and support can be enough to get you through everything. You don’t have to worry about those who turned their back on you, they have hurt you, not listening or understanding, not supporting you by standing by you, but they are not important. You know the truth. They are best out of your life and future. They are just someone else’s who took up a huge chunk of your previous life, they weren’t real friends to you in the end. Refusing to hear you or see your side, is going along with your abusive ex. It hurts, but let them go, together. Whatever you feel you invested in all those people? Is real to you but doesn’t matter now really, let it go. Finally, be glad of feeling something real, being lonely is far better than investing in people that like before, did nothing that did or will benefit you now or from now on. You have friends and family let them be your support, they may never be able to feel it like you do but they are there with you. Lonely is a horrible intrusive feeling isn’t it, I see a lot of us feel it, and some of us live very lonely lives with no friends or family, love or support. Good luck to you with your court battle and for your success, I’m Wishing you a very happy and unlonely future💞

[searchingforhope]

Hi White Daffodils, I totally feel what you are saying. But I’m so glad you have support. Use them, lean on them, you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. You know the truth. Sometimes it is quite hard to put it all into words and explain, but I think if you are in it and live it then its hard for anyone to totally get it.
The fear around the kids is real and huge and I have that too. But the kids will see in time. Continue to do your best for them as I’m sure you are doing and show them all the love and support they need and they will know you’ve done you’re best.
I’m similar in also brushing things under the carpet, so then I question the reality and how I got here. But then I wouldn’t have got here if I was treated better.
It’s such a huge learning curve and I’m learning there is no easy path, but we can only have faith we will get through it all. Sending you strength and love and best wishes with the court ahead.
Take care. x*x

[WhiteDaffodils]

Hazydayz and searchingforhope thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I cried reading your messages, realising just how much I needed to be told or reminded of these things.
Yeah that bit of how did I get here really resonates, I sometimes feel like I’ve landed in some strange parallel universe where everything is messed up. But as you say – we aren’t here by accident…although I never truly acknowledged it over all those years, he treated me really badly in a never ending cycle. What’s changed is that I woke up and stopped tolerating it all.
And yes to leaving those people behind who were like family to me but did not even think to consider my side to it all before going cold on me. I can’t help but grieve still for what has been lost, but I do know this it’s all for the best. On the flip side it has made me more grateful than ever for the kindness and love of genuine good people.
With the court case looming I just feel nauseous and have chest pains all the time scared of how it will all turn out. I’m still worried sick that somehow he will pull the wool over everyone’s eyes with his dad of the year antics. And I’m so sad for our kids having to go through this. It is the hardest thing navigating this with them – telling them enough and being honest with them, without overburdening them or treading on the relationship they have with their dad. I know they already know so much but they do just love him too of course – and like me have learned to forget things very quickly and it breaks my heart. I just need to keep faith somehow…

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