Its me who needs to change

[nbumblebee]

Gosh im in a real state seriously bad. I went for my PT today its to help me with my issues around confidence and eating. He worked me hard today and i almost passed out it made me realise just how badly ive been hurting myself I never realised just how weak ive gotten. My PT knows about my husband but he doesnt understand and he often says he doesnt understand he thinks you either leave or work on repairing your marriage ive never really sat down and told him just what happens not really and as much as he asks i can never find the words. I messaged him after our lesson and told him that actually next time i was gonna be brave and talk he never replies which makes me feel like an idiot but I know its not intentional its just the way he is and actually sometimes you dont want an answer you just want to get it outso next time im going to say it out loud and for once admit it. But today this PT made me see that as much as i say im fighting im not, yes im at work at college but Im still so unhappy in life I dont have the strength to fight anymore I dont bother to look nice or smile or talk or make an effort with anyone I cant be arsed I thought that was because of him but it isnt its because i dont have the strength because of what im doing to myself, If I dont change I wont be here to see my kids marry or have kids I need to change, me I need to find a way to face the past move on from it and work on making me better stop saying I cant because of my husband if he doesnt like it Im going to have to carry on anyway I asked my husband today if he was ever going to stop being nasty about my (removed by moderator), he didnt like that at all he doesnt like it when I point out how nasty he is maybe thats what I need to do more?
I cant stop crying im lonley I want to share my day chat laugh and enjoy my life with my husband but I cant he wont allow that and I dont get it and I guess I never will.
Im rambling Im sorry I just need to let it out and get a hug. Im at a point where im scared of myself what will happen if I dont get a grip today has been tough tomorrow i start EMDR therapy so gonna be another tough day then we have a holiday with my parents my mum is as nasty as he is and then a holiday on our own which always end up bad, lots of bad days ahead but I keep telling myself once they are done I can build myself up again. Sorry this post makes no sense at all I just needed to get it out. Thanks xx

[Bananaboat]

You do yourself a disservice because you are already incredibly strong. Boy do you have to be to live this life! You’ve stopped making yourself look nice etc because HE has stolen your confidence, stolen your self-worth and stolen your identity. I know you’re not ready to leave and may never decide to, but whilst setting boundaries and holding your own is a positive step, it can also be dangerous as you know he’ll get nasty no matter what you do.

Which is another point to remember, no matter what you do, no matter how nice or nasty, or silent & timid or strong & loud you be, it will never be right because HE and your mum are the broken ones. You deserve happiness, so if you decide to change in anyway do it because you want to (like getting a job), because if you do it for anyone else (him, your mum, even the PT) it won’t make you happy. And you deserve to be happy, you should look forward to things, not be ‘surviving’ them. x x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much. Im so sorry i just lost it last night and had to just get it out.
Im just in such a mess and have no idea where to start cleaning up. Your words were a much needed boost Thanks xx

[Bananaboat]

Nothing to be sorry for! That’s what we are here for, this journey is tough x x

[nbumblebee]

Yeah some days too tough.
Thank you bananaboat xx

[Gerbil]

Dear nbumblebee
You are definitely not rambling! And what you say makes perfect sense to everyone on here.
I am sending you a big virtual hug.
It is your husband and mother who are at fault and not you!
You have lost your self confidence and fight because of them but just by getting your job, you are starting to build yourself up again.
X

[nbumblebee]

A hug is needed today thank you so much xxxxx

[Shazza]

Oh nbumblebee i wish I could give you the biggest hug.
Please please please do not sit there thinking that any of this is your fault. You feel all of these things because of what he has done to you.
Your PT does not know the whole story and even when people do they still don’t sometimes understand the reasons that we can’t leave or break free as they have never been in that situation.
I actually think you are fighting incredibly hard day in and day out. It may not be in the ways that you are expecting of yourself but everyday you get up and you face the day, even if it is an incredibly difficult thing to do, you still do it. And those steps that you are taking to improve how you feel are all steps in the right direction. They are all things that YOU are achieving and doing for yourself despite him. That takes so much strength and bravery and you have it in the bucket loads even if you dont feel like you do.
You are doing so much already to help yourself and EMDR is that next step.
You are worth so much more than how he has made you feel lovely. Keep on fighting, keep on moving forward, step by step and bit by bit. Xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much for such kind words xxxxx

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi Nbumblebee,

I’m so sorry to hear how you’ve been feeling. Just to say I agree with what everyone else has said, you are very strong for trying to help yourself despite what has been happening.

Sending love and virtual hugs also xxxx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you everyone my goodness you all hold me up.
Ive just had my EMDR and am not sure how to process it.
I had to think of a memory I choose the rape. Anyway after a bit of emdr I realosed after (removed by moderator) years that I did fight him. I always thought i froze but this memory came where i actually tried to get him off. All these years ive blamed myself been so angry at myself disgusted and so cross i hated myself but I did fight. Im not sure how to feel.

[Watersprite]

Please try and focus on self compassion nbumblebee – being gentle towards yourself. Re rape – there is not “right way to respond” be it fight flight freeze or fawn. Rape is wrong. End of. Sending care x

[KIP.]

Rape crisis have a great helpline if you want to talk. It might help process it all x

[nbumblebee]

Hey KIP hope you are well?
Thank you Ive never really wanted to talk about it this was the first time not sure i could do it again if Im honest knocked me off my feet but thank you for the support. Xxxx

[KIP.]

Hey, doing okay thanks. You may wake up one day and need to talk so keep the number for future. It’s going to be a lot of emotions. My first rape was violent and I fought back but then I learned that to fight back made it worse. We learn quickly. Years later I asked him why he did it and his answer was well you married me didn’t you. He didn’t even try to deny it. Keep trying to build a life away from abuse. There is a good life out there and nice decent people to share it with x

[nbumblebee]

This rape wasnt my husband it was a family member. I always believed i allowed it to happen so much clouded my memory.
So much we have to cope with and try and process isnt there, has my husband done the same I dont know I cant go there.
I am trying to build a life whilst living with him I really am but its just so hard just a constant fight day in day out.
I hate this I really hate it.
Thanks for the support sweetie you take care xxxxx

[Author]

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