29th June 2020 at 9:41 pm #108160
Well. I made a formal complaint about my ex’s behaviour in the workplace. I kind of knew that they would find in his favour but the report is unbelievable. A complete whitewash. Two members of staff (male) actually making it seem like I’m the one behaving badly and another, someone I trusted, clearly covering her own arse at my expense. It’s a complete whitewash. The report appears to suggest that my ex has behaved in an exemplary manner and that I’m mad. I thought I was strong but I’m not this strong. I cannot believe what I have just read in the report.
29th June 2020 at 10:06 pm #108165iliketeaParticipant
I’m so sorry. That’s c**p. Can you appeal or is there no point? Can you walk away on the grounds of it? Employment tribunal? You know the truth and that is all that matters but it is hurting and depressing when people let you down like this. They’re probably scared of him. Sending strength. Can you call in sick tomorrow and put two fingers up to them all for a day. Hide under the duvet and tell the world to take a running jump? Xx
29th June 2020 at 10:24 pm #108167
Thank you @iliketea for being there. I’m sure you and all the other ladies here know how much that means. 😘 I wish I could hug you right now.
I’m off sick anyway atm. I’m off with PTSD as a result of domestic abuse. I get so used to being surrounded by people on this forum who understand what is going on that it becomes incomprehensible that others can’t see it. But I’m staggered by the those who have come out in his favour and by those who have put themselves ahead of the truth. I remember your desperate post @iliketea. Yes people do let you down.
Idk what my next move is. I’m waiting to hear back from my union. In the meantime, I’m relying on the WA bubble to keep me afloat. Refuge won’t help because it involves his employer and atm I don’t believe that the police will be any help.
I’m one of the lucky ones. I have my amazing sister and her amazing family and you ladies. I really need you all right now. I’m not sure that even The sanctuary cottage can help me right now but in the real world you ladies can.
Thank you so much to WA for providing this site and to all of you for giving me strength even when you don’t have strength to spare.
@iliketea I want you out of there so desperately. Any advance on getting transport. I’ll pm you.
30th June 2020 at 12:08 am #108176
Eggshells, I am sorry to hear this news. It is so disappointing but I don’t think that I will ever be surprised at what they can get away with and how easy people find it to believe what they perhaps find more comfortable to hear.
I think, in making decisions to end abusive relationships, many things are thrown up into the air and into question. There are sometimes dramatic changes that are unexpected and can take a while for us to figure out. I would be proud of the fact that you have stood up to him- don’t entirely discount the ripple effect of the action you have taken. In that, you stood up and called it out- their inaction is on them, not you. It may come back to bite them, or him but it just might not be right now- Karma and all that.
Unfortunately, you do have to deal with the consequences of their decision but sometimes these situations force us to review things and it can be surprising that this can lead to change that makes us happier in the long run. Think of the courage and strength it has taken you to make this stand and everything you have learned in this process- these are skills and qualities that are desirable and transferable. I hope that I don’t speak out of turn in saying that.
If you are on leave at the moment then hopefully you have some time to let the dust settle and to plan your next step.
Please let us know how you get on, I would be really interested to hear how you manage this. I think this is an important issue for women to learn about- those who share employment with their perpetrator and have tried to raise issues with their employer.
Most of all, well done for being brave and taking a stand.
30th June 2020 at 12:48 am #108180fizzylemParticipant
Good for you ES, you called him out, took action. It is however absolutley rubbish when this happens, it doesn’t seem right or fair does it, you make an allegation and they come back with two witnesses saying how great he is to try and squash you and it. This happened to me as well, think I may have told you before, slightly different but this is how work dealt with my complaint – it proves nothing!
I’m not sure what is the way forwards, the answer will no doubt present itself to you once you have all the info you need, but I’m thinking that now you have made this allegation it is on file. It’s infuriating when it comes down to he says, she says, I’ve heard it time and time again on here when women try to report and the outcome turns out to be no further action due to a lack of evidence. As we all know only too well, this does not mean it did not happen, it means there was not enough evidence – however, I still think it’s important to try and report, leaves you feeling you tried, you explored it, did everything you could, you stood up and said this was not right so there is always some value in this regardless of the outcome, not the outcome we hoped for here no, but I’m glad you’ve stood up for yourself.
When it comes down to a lack of evidence, as it did also in my case when I tried to report him, I think one of the most helpful thoughts I had was that I want to live in a world where it requires evidence to convict a person, I don’t want me or anyone to be charged for something because someone says something happened, as this is isn’t right and could be open to abuse – which for me meant accepting this is one of those times – simply not enough evidence. You know what happened, you know your truth, regardless of what others may or may not think. People will think differently, we all do hey.
Sounds to me like this was important to do. I’m hoping there’s a part of you that feels glad you did it x
30th June 2020 at 1:04 am #108184
Thank you everyone. But I’ll be honest, right now there is no part of me that is glad I did this. One person actually said that I “tried to trip him up” by asking a genuine question in a meeting. I’m really struggling with what I read in the report and wondering if I imagined the whole abuse thing and that I am the one in the wrong. I sway between that and disbelief at how others have backed him up. I want to scream at all those who have covered their own tails and shame those who have suppoted him but I know now that even my recorded evidence of him admitting to rape will not be believed.
The only thing keeping me alive right now is knowing that my sons need me and that my sister and my dad would be devastated to loose me. I’ve had enough.
I’m shivering uncontrollably. I don’t know what is happening to me.
30th June 2020 at 1:15 am #108185
I can’t even get through to the Samaritans
30th June 2020 at 1:17 am #108186
Ok, this could be a panic attack?
We need to get you off this subject now and focused on something else. Click on the link below and follow the steps. Even if it isn’t a panic attack, it won’t harm to focus on something else now anyway.
Check in with us when you can and are ready to. I’ll be here for a little while yet.
30th June 2020 at 1:19 am #108187
I’m here, you’re not on your own- you’re going to be ok. I’ll keep a check on here for you.
30th June 2020 at 1:20 am #108188
Just going to put kettle on for a brew so I’m here for a little while yet.
30th June 2020 at 1:29 am #108189
I can’t do it. It’s not wolrkg
30th June 2020 at 1:31 am #108190
Right away: Look around you. Find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
30th June 2020 at 1:33 am #108191
I tried. I’m hearing impIered so I can’t hear anything. It’s too quiet and I can’t smell. My nose is blocked from crying
30th June 2020 at 1:34 am #108192
* Do this slow and steady and just focus on these things. Breath deeply through your nose, expanding your tummy and slowly out through your mouth- like blowing through a straw. Keep repeating.
30th June 2020 at 1:34 am #108193
Samaritans aren’t answering. I’m not suicidal I just in a bad way
30th June 2020 at 1:37 am #108194
Ok. I can hear the ringing for the phone. I can’t hear anything else
30th June 2020 at 1:37 am #108195
Oh bless you. I remember having a panic attack when trying to do my court statement and I’d left it all to late to do any of the coping strategies that I’d learnt at group. I just had to wait for it to go over and eventually go outside to breath in some air- my mum was like you can’t go out like that but I was like just let me out!
30th June 2020 at 1:39 am #108196
The exercise is just about getting you to focus on the present and things around you and I guess to distract you from what your mind was getting you anxious about. So you can just find like 5 objects I guess if you wanted and just hold them and focus on them. I’ve used crystals before now as a distraction to just hold and focus on.
30th June 2020 at 1:47 am #108197
I’ve never used Samaritans, phone lines can take a bit to get through to. Are you in touch with a local Domestic abuse service? Mine had a local line that was covered 24/7 by duty staff and I have rung that before now.
I’m sat here watching Countryfile which is usually a Sunday watch- feels a bit strange.
I’m just trying to distract you now.
It has just been a lot for you to take in but you are so much more than those words, we believe in you. It is going to be ok. You’re going to be ok.
You will probably feel really rough when you come round from this now, just take it steady and get some rest. It will be easier to access support in the morning if you can’t get in contact with anyone just now. We’re here for you too, you’re not on your own.
30th June 2020 at 1:52 am #108198
I don’t what’s to keep you up. I like countryfile too. I can’t put the to on. My sister is upstairs and she’s amazing but I don’t want o wake her and if I put the tv on she’ll hear and she won’t be happy.
30th June 2020 at 2:00 am #108199
Don’t worry about me, I’m in a bit of a pattern of not sleeping so well at the moment- keep sleeping earlier on in evening and then can’t sleep afterwards. Hence why I am on here at ridiculous o’clock!
I’m just checking out the local jobs on-line.
How are you feeling now?
30th June 2020 at 2:07 am #108200
I’ve been away from my puter for the most of the day here, omg, dn’t like reading all this. Uggg, although I’m not surprised. You don’t even want to know about my stories with people who I thought were my friends or those in the workplace I thought would have my back. LOL! What a hoot all that was. Not really, it was absolutely horrific.
I think there has to be a legal suit somewhere against these people. Then again it’s going to be t*t for tat and blah, blah, blah. Not sure what your scenario really is as far as if you could fight this or not? Sometimes we have to walk away from something that is as “fixed” as this appears to be. It’s a mob, a gang here. All of the same mentality apparently and You might need to look for another job. I think I prolly would. It’s not always worth the fight. Especially when it’s a group of thugs like this.
We have to step back sometimes, go up on the mountain top and just “sit”. Look out from a distance at what’s going on. We get too close to things and we can’t see properly. For one, we have to look at who we give credence to as far as how much we value their opinion about pretty much anything. Knowing someone at work isn’t really knowing them. Sometimes we put value and trust into them with heaping handfuls when in reality they never earned it.
When they show their true colors then we need to stand up straight, give a faint smile and say – Thank you. Thank you so much for showing me who you really are. Trash in trash out.
Betrayal is nasty business but it does not define who we are. It shows who they are. Everyone in an important position in my life has betrayed me. That’s on them, not me. And you, my little love….need to hold your head up now and realize that sometimes great good attracts great evil because it’s just so jealous of the light. But the light is the light. They can beam darkness all they want to at it but the light will still shine.
There is great power in the – one. If you look at history it’s always been – the one.
How are you now…? Talk to us….
30th June 2020 at 2:07 am #108201
I’ve just checked out
If you go to ‘get help now’ at the top of the page, it will take you to a list of options. If you click on
‘get crisis coping tools’ there are lots of options on there of things that might help.
You may not need this now but just thought I’d mention it.
30th June 2020 at 2:09 am #108202
Do you have earplugs for your laptop or phone? That’s what I do. Then I don’t disturb others. My sleep pattern is whacked too…
30th June 2020 at 2:11 am #108203
Hey Braelynn, glad you are here. Great advice.
I am guessing ES is exhausted right now.
Are you ok ES? I’m heading off shortly so if I don’t hear I will hope that you’ve gone to get some sleep and will check in later on.
30th June 2020 at 2:15 am #108204
I will stay here with her in case she checks in, no worries sweetheart….Hugs!
30th June 2020 at 2:16 am #108205
Thank you. My son is awake and my other sons gf. They both know what’s been going on. They’re messaging me now. I’m starting to calm a little. Still can’t stop shivering. Idk what that is
30th June 2020 at 2:26 am #108206
Good to hear ES, you’re going to be ok. Shock I think. Take it steady, I’ll leave you safely with Braelynn. Will check in later on but hope you can get a good sleep at some point. Take care
30th June 2020 at 2:32 am #108207
Good…..visualization for you when you have time…….just going to write it from the hip, so have no idea what’s going to come out here…..
Lay down on your back, be comfy, pillows wherever you need them….then visualize taking a needle and thread and going about sewing the parts of yourself together…. putting the needle in your physical side first, go slowly, put in the needle, breath in, breath out like soulsearcher told you you to do. The cleaning breath as best I can explain it is – breathing in very slowly filling up with air all the way down as deep as you can go, hold it for a few seconds and then breathe out, forcing it out of your mouth very very slowly too with an Ahhhhhhhhh……. It should take a bit to force this air out if you are doing it correctly. Repeat.
So take these breaths then pull the thread through……..then go to your mental side of yourself and put the needle in, breathe and pull it through. Again with your emotional side, same thing. Then with your soul side and then your spirit. You have all these different parts of yourself and right now they are a bit fragmented. So they have to be brought back together again…….
Then pull the thread a bit tight, not too much, just bringing all the parts in closer to each other. Then picture yourself in water, floating….no stress on the thread at all, just the parts staying connected, no gravity, just floating.
Imagine the power that starts generating from each part, one to the other, like electricity. Btw, we are electrical beings and we are more water than anything else…. So feel it. Feel it flow where it was not flowing before. Wiggle around in the water, move, feel the cool water or warm, whatever you prefer.
Breathe…….open your eyes to the see the sky above you, the birds flying over, smell the forest that is close to you, flip over and see the bottom, the rocks, the fish going by, the moss, swim….gently, let the water rock you, sense the energy of “you” flowing to all your different parts…….synergy…..is happening.
Turn off your brain, just float…….feel, feel…….tell your self critic, you’re on holiday and to shut up. Float……….wave your hands around in the water…. know that……you can only function at a higher level when your pieces of you come back together. Bring them back together……..just BE for awhile…..
30th June 2020 at 2:52 am #108209
I’m going to re read that Braelyn. Just wanted to reassure you that I am settling. Thank you so much ladies, you have been amazing. x*x💕
30th June 2020 at 3:50 am #108210
30th June 2020 at 8:22 am #108224
I got through the night. I didn’t sleep and I keep being sick and needing the loo but every time I try to get to the bathroom I just get so dizzy that I have to lie down. I’m having to crawl to the bathroom.
30th June 2020 at 9:15 am #108231HazydayzParticipant
Hey Eggshells. I slept last night! Just read your last night post & replies. Sorry to read this morning it was your turn…up all night! And feeling unwell. I’m just wondering? Are you? Or have you been tested for diabetes lately? The fact that your feeling trembly, sick, and you told me yesterday your up in the night often eating? And your wondering if that’s normal? when I mentioned being up eating 3 breakfasts throughout the early hours, due to my diabetes, the stress affect of low blood sugar from no sleep, rest! Made you feel more normal you said! Maybe worth checking it out with GP! Diabetes is capable of making you feel really ill! And you don’t know you’ve got it till your tested! Hope this helps maybe? Needing to wee a lot? And feeling dizzy, weak are part of diabetes. Good luck! hope you don’t have💞
30th June 2020 at 8:49 am #108227LifebeginsParticipant
Do you think you could call the doctor if you’re feeling so unwell?
Sending you hugs and support 🤗🤗🤗💕
30th June 2020 at 11:00 am #108238
My sister thinks it’s a hangover. Apparently I sunk nearly half a bottle of whiskey last night. I had no idea I’d drunk so much. I’ve never had a hangover so I didn’t know what it was.
I’ve taken some beta blockers to get on top of the panic and I’m with my sister who will help me through the next few days without resorting to alcohol.
30th June 2020 at 12:24 pm #108242
Bless you, take care now and hope you can sleep it all off at some point- glad to hear you’ve got some support. Worth checking in with your GP as soon as you can to discuss things and get support, review meds etc.
The visualisation Braelynn has given you is great and things like this are really good to practice when you are calm so you can get into it and learn how to do it. There are lots of things on the Mind website link that I posted earlier too.
The more you practice relaxation techniques, the easier they are to call on when things are rough. The trick is also to start doing them early on, so when you know something is going to cause you anxiety and stress, start doing the breathing and using the techniques asap- not wait until in full panic.
And I speak this from experience as I had full on panic attack and I left it so late I couldn’t apply any techniques as I was too far gone. It was absolutely terrifying. So ever since, I have just used the techniques asap when I know somethings going to potentially set me off- e.g. going to court.
Wishing you a good, long rest. Speak soon xx
30th June 2020 at 1:20 pm #108252
Thank you. I had a look at the Mind website this morning when I felt calmer. It looks good and good advice to learn how to do it now. Still can’t get over what one of my colleagues said about me. I actually confided in her. What a snake in the grass.
Thank you everyone. I was truly floundering last night. My trauma counsellor has done two risk assessments on me this morning. One was a Marrak? I’m going to look that up but it may not tick enough boxes to get anything from it.
Just amazing. My workplace already has a reputation for harbouring abusive men. (detail removed by Moderator) Both were complained about by a female member of staff and the bosses just closed ranks to protect the abusers and push her out. The police and social services were all over it. You’d think that they would learn their lesson wouldn’t you?
30th June 2020 at 7:58 pm #108300
Glad you are doing better!!! With drinking like this, you get dehydrated, big problem and binge drinking is never ever a good idea. Quite dangerous. Be sure you are eating something when you are drinking, snacking and drinking water here and there. Drinking water afterwards when you are feeling horrible is a must. Like a gallon. Make yourself do it. Of course the better option is – not to drink at all when you are feeling this way but most of us do it. Just don’t make a habit of depending on it and when you do be wise about it. It’s not a fix. And your workplace? Um, I’d be all over that one but that’s just me. I’d knock on doors and ring bells off their hooks about it. You could always leak something anonymous to the press. Evil grin. Some journalist just love stories like this. Talk to feminist groups. I can promise you, they would be all over it……..there is more than one way to skin a cat.
30th June 2020 at 7:59 pm #108301
I’m sorry, shouldn’t have made the cat comment. I love cats! Just like I can’t use wolves or shouldn’t when talking about human predators because they are nothing alike.
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