It’s not all the time? I’m confused

[Stuckinafishbowl]

I don’t know where to start. I’ve been with this man for a number of years now. Our relationship has always been what could be described as toxic. He is a chronic liar and an addict. Before him I had near to no experience with drugs and rarely drank but I ended up in this hole of smoking and drinking and what ever else he thought would be fun that night. We argued and he was vicious but never physical. Very verbally and emotionally abusive as well as manipulative. He’d threaten to hurt me and call me all the names. He was sexually forceful once but I think this was my fault for telling him I liked it rough, it was a fantasy of mine. This also happened in my one previous relationship too. But I did not enjoy it and I didn’t want it and it hurt. Fast forward I fell pregnant. He knew I wanted a baby and we never used protection, his choice. He would say we should try for a baby then go back on it again making me so confused. He instantly wanted an abortion and was so horridly nasty when I said I couldn’t do that. A whole new level of horrible. We ended up breaking up for the majority of my pregnancy for his drug use and lying. He lied to his family about me too. After I had my baby we rekindled and he was doing great. He was happy, not smoking (he lied) and drinking less. He had a job and a flat. We were really good. Small things would occur like i would catch him in a lie or he would make me feel awful for normal reactions to things. I had a panic attack because he was forcing me to get a lift from his flat (detail removed by Moderator) back to mine and this made me really uncomfortable. He was really harsh and direct and wouldn’t let me wait for my mum to take me instead. Fast forward some and I moved in due to covid and fell pregnant again. His reaction wasn’t vicious but I knew he was upset. After this he was more back in his old ways. Drinking smoking name calling. He belittles and always has me thinking what I thought happened didn’t happen like that or I was lying about it when I wasn’t. We moved out of the flat into a house and for a few months it was awful. We had a lot going on outside of our relationship which I think led to his behaviour. He would be very violent towards me. He has threatened to smash my head off (detail removed by Moderator) for example. He would get really close to me trying to provoke me to push him away but I never touched him because I knew that’s what he wanted so he could turn on me. He never listened when I would say go away leave me alone. He would stand hovering over me with a smile on his face calling me names belittling me and threatening me. I would leave to go into the bedroom where the baby was sleeping when I knew he was getting worked up and he would follow me telling me to get out which I had to do else he would wake the baby and start infront of the baby. I was really scared but I also knew it was all threats or mostly as I witnessed similar growing up with my parents. There were two occasions he did get physical. But only after he wound me up to the point I was screaming crying and hysterical. Telling him I hated him and calling him selfish. I threw a (detail removed by Moderator), not at him and he lunged at me pinning me to the bed choking me. For what felt like ages I couldn’t breathe and it hurt. My baby witnessed all of this it breaks my heart. The other time he did the same but after I moved his finger out of my face, again my baby witnessed. Any arguments thereafter were bad but never again physical because I never touched him or raised up to his provoking. He stopped caring if the baby was there he would shout so loud and bang around the house swearing. Our cats always get the brunt of his moods. I have learnt to not respond when he is angry and just wait for it to pass. Most recently he got very angry with me because I told him it wasn’t OK for him to be swearing at the baby and yelling at him. He shouted so loud his daughter from a previous relationship come downstairs from sleeping and said she was so scared she was shaking and burst into tears. He tried to make me go upstairs but I refused and said this is your fault. He then tried to kick me out and threatened to throw my stuff out saying he didn’t care I am heavily pregnant. I now wish ileft but at the time I refused and said I will gk when I have somewhere to stay. After this argument things slowly returned to normal like they always do. But I couldn’t handle his shouting and swearing around the house and throwing objects, being horrible to the cats so I told him I was going to move out ASAP for the kids sake and our own sanity. Since this he has been moderately calm around the place taking care of all his duties such as the bins and tidying efc. He made attempts to cut his drinking and smokin. He was positive towards me. He recently announced “(detail removed by Moderator)”. He was drunk and stoned when he said this but it made me realise how nasty he has been and that he was so aware of it for him to say that. But he has been nicer and only a couple times has been abusive. I still want to leave but he has sort of gone back to normal, being Affectionate and like we are together. I feel bad for wanting to go. I hate that I feel sorry for him and I don’t understand why. I love him with my all but I know he has been abusive and growing up in that environment I refuse to subject my babies to it. While I know itis abuse I struggle to understand if it is bad enough? Is it bad enough to leave and break up the family. He treats me well otherwise. He makes me food he comforts me loves me he builds me up. He buys me things and is so amazing with the kids when he isn’t in a mood. He works hard to pay rent and bills. We laugh and joke and get along we love the same things. It is really really good. I’m so conflicted and I feel stuck. I know if we split he will lie and I have to leave my babies with him alone even though he drinks every night smokes every night gets so angry and has no patience. I worry so much my kids will be the target of his anger as they have been before when he has got up with them in the morning for me to lay in. Which is very rare as when I Usually ask he gets angry so I will say don’t worry and he will follow me out the room being aggressive until I’m crying. He then takes the baby downstairs and plays music really loud. When he sees me cry after we argue he says things like there she goes again. I just don’t know what to do. Is this all bad enough to ask for help? To tell professionals? Is this domestic abuse? I have been asked questions by professionals and have always said no Because I don’t think its that bad? But it feels horrible when it Is happening and then like it never happened a day after. He has also threatened to not let me take the baby if I leave. Claiming I can’t look after him alone because of my back problems/disability and he will call me names in relation to it. I care my baby basically alone anyway so I don’t understand. I’m miserable but I’m happy when things are good. I feel so torn.

[Hawthorn]

Hi and welcome to the forum, it was very brave of you to post and share your experience. Sadly yes it is abuse. He is abusing you in so many ways; physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically. It is very severe abuse you are suffering, this man is terrorizing you and the children in your home. You dont deserve this. Abusers chose to abuse us. The abuse is deliberate and calculated to make us frightened and submissive to them.

It is normal to feel confused. We minimise what’s happening to get through the day, but deep down know what’s happening is wrong. Abusers trap us in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It’s so difficult to see what’s happening when you’re stuck in the fog but you are beginning to see through it, you should be so proud of yourself. It is an incredibly difficult thing to admit we are being abused by someone we love. Because they are never terrible all of the time, there is always “good” times in an abusive relationship, the nice parts are what keep us trapped, hoping that he will change and it will be nice all, or even most of the time.

Sadly he wont change. Abuse only gets worse and the nice parts get less and less as time wears on. Please reach out to Women’s Aid, you need and deserve professional support. They wont pressure you to do anything. Keep posting here too, we are here for you. Try googling The Cycle of Abuse, The Power and Control Wheel and trauma bonding. Please do not speak to him about the abuse, he is so very dangerous and challenging him will not go well, these men escalate when they realise we are figuring them out.
Tell him nothing and reach out for support; your GP, a family member, a friend, the police. You are not alone. Big hugs xx

[gettingtired]

Hello, Hawthorn is right; it is very severe abuse.
It sounds like the abuse has only gotten worse over time as well which is sadly the way it goes.
You, your children and pets will all be traumatised from his behaviour.
Please reach out to Women’s aid for support. There are foster charities who could take your pets for the time being as well until you’re settled so that they don’t have to stay with him. My partner has threatened to harm our cat in the past so I don’t think I could ever trust him if I leave it here when I do leave.
Sadly, children who grow up around abuse are more likely to end up in abusive relationships as adults.
Well done for joining the forum, you need and deserve support now x*x

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