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    • #44558
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      It’s been (detail removed by moderator) weeks now since I left my abusive boyfriend and it isn’t getting easier, I’ve tried to think about other things but I can’t stop thinking of him and the other girl he took on my holiday that I paid for, it’s killing me 🙁 sleeping in my bed and having a good time with him.
      I don’t want to do anything, I’ve nearly lost 2 stone (detail removed by moderator), I feel so useless. People have asked me to go out but I just have no energy and I’m too upset 🙁 I miss him so much but I know I can’t talk to him again due to him being arrested and charged with (detail removed by moderator) assaults on me (detail removed by moderator)
      Has anyone got any advice on how to make all of this any easier for me to handle? I feel as though I will never get out of this dark hole. Everything is reminding me of him 🙁

    • #44560
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there, you will get through this and things will get better. I promise. Ive been exactly where you are. Bail and court too. You can give evidence via video link. You do not have to face him. Please ask for councelling from your GP. Its important to talk this through. Your local womens aid or victim support are also good points of contact. Google trauma bonding. I researched and read as much as I could about abuse. Its total mind blowing dysfunction. Youre grieving for the loss of what could have been. The reality is hes a violent man who cares for no ine but himself. He has proven he connot take care of you so,its time for you to take care of yourself. Hang in there. In the long run the loss of this holiday will be a blessing although you have every right to be angry about someone else going. Abusers dont change. He will abuse her too. Youve had a lucky escape although it may not seem like it just now.

    • #44562
      Lightness
      Participant

      Hello Flowers
      It is no surprise that you feel the way you do. It is early days for you and it will take time. The feelings you have sound very natural for the situation you have faced.
      Other people (and ourselves until we experience it first hand) assume that once we leave everything is fine and we can just get on with our lives. It just isn’t that easy.
      It is very normal to keep thinking about the abuser. They have a way of getting into our heads – they do it on purpose.
      The girl he took on holiday – one day she will feel the way that you do. Abusers don’t change. She is his new target, so please don’t envy her. Don’t contact her. Don’t contact him.
      It is not surprising you have no energy because you are processing a combination of trauma and grief.
      I suggest you learn as much as you can about abusive men and trauma bond.
      I also suggest that you write down everything he did that was abusive/bad and keep reminding yourself that that is the real him. The ‘nice’ side of him was a trap – the trap that his new target has unfortunately fallen into.
      I also suggest you get some counselling – this man assaulted you (detail removed by moderator)!!
      No-one should treat you that way.
      The helpline will help you also and others will be along soon

      It WILL get easier. Now you are away you can start to heal and start to learn about these abusive men who do not deserve us x

    • #44575
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Flowers,

      I second everything Kip and Lightness said, and I can relate completely to how you feel as I also couldn’t stop thinking about my ex for weeks on end despite knowing he was probably a psychopath. I now think about him less, ie I’m able to do things I enjoy and get on with my life better than I was. He’s still in my thoughts daily, but just not all day every day so it feels more manageable, and I think it will continue to get less as time passes.

      Are there any local support groups you could try? I went to one and it helped to get me out of the house and around others who could relate. I also did a little domestic abuse awareness course which helped. I also journaled almost every day and painted my feelings, and made video diaries just for myself talking about my feelings, as well as watching videos of youtubers who have experienced abuse and their advice. It all really helped and I still do most of it now. And I sought out counselling to help me process it all.

      If you need a chat feel free to send me a message as I can relate to how you feel, my ex was cheating on me with at least one other woman and getting over that has been the absolute hardest thing, feeling that I wasn’t ‘special enough’ for him to be faithful to me whilst lying to my face about how much he liked me and pretending to be monogamous and caring = unbelievable pain. But I keep reminding myself that he will lie to every woman he meets (it’s why they always have lots of women and go from one to the next, they pretend to be whatever each woman wants to trick her into dating them) and they are in danger now too so if you can, in your head send her a silent prayer of peace and safety because unfortunately she is now at risk of being hurt being involved with him.

      It must be very hard about the holiday, are you able to book something for yourself to treat yourself? Is there any way you can recover any of the costs? Do lots of self care – good food, exercise, baths, sleep, pampering and keep going, it does get easier. xx

    • #44577
      Alicenotichains
      Participant

      Yep, like the others said- I felt just like you in the early days- my head saying one thing my heart saying the opposite. Take it day by day, practice extreme self care, mindfulness, you won’t feel great straight away but you will get there. There is a hugely addictive quality to these relationships which only us survivors understand. It can make you feel like you are going mad. When I miss my ex too much I read “the list”. It includes all the things that I can think of that he did which hurt me. It always sobers me up if I find myself fantasising about how much I love and miss him. I am starting to feel much less attached. Just keep going and take it day by day x*x

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