It’s not how I thought I’d feel

[searchingforhope]

At having my plan in place to leave I felt happy, relieved and so much hope. I was leaving with kids to my own space, I’d be independent, down if it would be a financial struggle. I found such strength and encouragement here.
Then things changed. He said he would go so kids could stay in their home. So after many long torturous days he went. Like I say, I didn’t feel as I thought I would then. Not as happy as I didn’t with my plan. I’m seeing how it goes. My plan is still there as a fall back. The kids are doing better than I expected but are upset. Their routines are keeping them busy. I’m looking into play or art therapy for them.
He’s telling me he misses me, he loves me & we have a future. I honestly don’t feel it. The relief of not having him around has been great. I’m taking it day by day and some days are hard, but I’m busy with work and kids routines.

I know I need to find strength again though. We must sort access to kids still. I’m so much more at ease not having to deal with him but even short conversation tonight was enough fir me to start shutting down again. I realise it’s a long road ahead. Its very fresh and new. But I don’t regret it. As much as it tears me apart to see kids upset, I keep trying to tell myself they will adapt& be ok& I must mind myself I order to mind them. Kind of like the oxygen mask on an airplane.
I’m rambling a bit now but I just needed to share. It’s not what I expected but I don’t regret it. I don’t want to go back so must hold strong, but it’s so hard.
I want to control my life again and live in peace and at ease.

I don’t want to be an old lady and regret not following through on this. I’ve come too far now to go back. Maybe I will have to get legal help involved sooner than I hoped. But for now, one day at a time is all I can do.

I hope you are all OK whatever stage you are at. I never thought I’d get to here. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Searchingforhope

Well done with the plan, and the strength it gave you to follow through. I am thinking that you haven’t had to leave from what you’ve posted, but he’s left, so the children have their home with you still? Have I got that right? I hope so, so long as he does stay away, and leave you alone for some time to gather yourself, as you’ve found it, you do need quiet time now. Yes, busy with distractions, but also to find some peace and quiet finally. To get this you may have to change your number or something, so that you will contact him, and get control of your life back. Just to let him know the kids will call when they want to, or whatever you decide is best to fit in with their day and getting settled into your new lives.

Its a huge step, and maybe shock, certainly a lot to process, but you are getting there, as you say, day by day, hour by hour. You look after you and them, and prioritise yourselves and your needs finally, this way you will get your lives back on track. Be patient with your emotions, and its a great idea to get kids art therapy and whatever activities they can be absorbed in to help them.

Warmest wishes

ts

[searchingforhope]

Yes he left. But where he has gone isn’t ideal and won’t work in long term. So I need to be prepared to leave yet, which I partially am, but it will confuse the hell out of kids if that happens again. But look I’ll take it day by day. I’m so anxious over him trying to convince me we have a future last night. I just need him to let me be and give me space. I don’t think he thought I’d actually do this. He’s still trying to pull at my heart strings, I’m withstanding that so far.
From a small place so very hard to change numbers or go no contact. But will keep going day by day.
Thanks for your support. Some days are harder than others. x*x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Searchinforhope

I’ve just seen your reply, and, like I say, you need now for him to stay away. Nail everything down so that he can’t come back. If you don’t act now it could be too late, and you say yourself the toll this will take on your children. You, and they, need the peace and stability to start recovering, rather than you taking them on the road to wherever next. He threw away his rights to have family when he very first abused you all.

Like you say, you just need him to ‘let me be’. He has already shown you he won’t be doing that. That he is already plying his tactics to draw you in by puliing at your heart strings. You have to nail it down or he will take all this away from you.

I know, and you need to do what you can each day, with the energy you have, but prioritise the sanctity of your home before he descends upon it again, as in his eyes, you will not get away with this, he is playing his game right now, but when he realises you are not playing the rules will suddenly change. Do all the preparing you can.

Its only by you taking back control that you will get whats vital for you and your children.

Keep going and just don’t underestimate him.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Wow. Im so glad you are no longer having to live with him and what he put you through.
I think i understand a bit of what you are saying you planned so much and that gave you hope and strength and then that plan changed and you felt a little lost confused even? But hey you are out however you did it you did it.
You took that brave couragous step that people like me just cant bring themselves to do and you did it how amazing does that make you?
Now its time to heal think about yourself and your needs as well as your kids.
I just wanna say well done as hard as I imagine it really is deep down I hope you are proud of you. Xxxxx

[searchingforhope]

You know what I’m not proud enough of myself to be honest. And please don’t say people like you can’t do it. If I can, then you can too. I kept thinking of not wanting to wake up an old lady or even later in my life and regret not going. It’s still very raw and alot to process. God knows what the future holds. But even being able to go to bed at night in my own bed and not worry about him badgering me on “conversations” and how to fix things. Such little things can bring such peace, it’s amazing. Hopefully those bits of ease will help with the rollercoaster that is ahead.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks for your support. You can do it to, day by day, believe in yourself x*x

[nbumblebee]

Sorry sweetie wasnt my intention to offend you.
Someone once told me that ine day in years to come you will look back and your story will inspire others.
To me anyone who leaves however hard messy and miserable it may be to me they are amazing thats all I meant.
I hope one day you will see and feel it too.
Good luck xxxx

[searchingforhope]

Oh my goodness, you didn’t offend me at all and sorry if you misinterpreted my reply.

Sending you love and strength as I know that you can do it too. The right time will come I’m sure.

Mind yourself x*x

[KIP.]

He’s coming back. He’s still got you hooked in and he still has rights. And when he comes back you can bet you will be punished. You can bet he’s planning just now. Financially, he will put pressure on you. As soon as he realises you’re not backing down you will see his true colours so get all your ducks in a row legally. Get a non molestation order or occupation order now while he’s out the house because when he comes back you’re almost stuck with him. The law hates making people homeless. I’ve seen this happen so many times. You’re back to square one only he is forewarned and forearmed. If your plan to get your own place still stands then do it.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks very much. I’m just taking it day by day for now. I still have the option of my own place for a few weeks. Financially he can say all he likes. I can be financially independent, although things could be difficult and tight. I’m lucky that way thankfully. It’s such a rollercoaster and I feel he is in denial still. He wanted an answer, I gave it to him and he still can’t accept that!
Thanks for your support x*x

[KIP.]

He’s never going to accept what you want because he simply doesn’t care. It’s only about what he wants. You cannot negotiate with him. Don’t waste your time. They are liars so don’t believe a word he says. Chopping and changing the goal posts. Keeping you on edge and spinning. Decide what you want and draw a line to it and don’t stray from that line because he will run rings round you. Financially was how my ex first showed his colours after I ended it. He stopped paying all the bills, cancelled all the direct debits including (detail removed by moderator). Make sure you can survive completely independently including child care. Anything he can use for leverage and control. Watch out for him badmouthing you to anyone that will listen including gaslighting the kids. A new kind of abuse begins post separation. He’s going to get desperate. He’s going to go from reasonable to the complete opposite. Drag the kids into it. Protect yourself and your kids now while he’s in the ‘reasonable’ stage because that won’t last.

[searchingforhope]

I’m anxious of that to be honest and trying to tread as carefully as I can. He is contributing nothing to me or kids right now. In his eyes he can’t afford to, money is his God. He thinks he can never have enough, yet won’t spend what he does have. Doesn’t ask if I need money for christmas, birthdays, kids clothes nothing!
I’m doing it all myself anyway. He’s already been bad mouthing me yet when I’ve challenged him on that when I heard it back, he twisted it. So yes you’re right he’s already changing the goal posts. Your message is very valid and I hope I remember it and come back to it as a reminder too. It’s a minefield to navigate.
He knows the kids are my weak spot too.
I will survive independently. He is the one who will struggle. He doesn’t realise how much I’ve been supporting myself.

thank you xx

[KIP.]

Have you had legal advice? It’s important to know where you stand legally because if he’s entitled to your pension or the house you can bet he will take it, and more if he can. You’re right to be anxious, that’s your gut telling you to tread carefully. Just know that nothing you do or give him will be enough. He knows your weak spots so start by protecting them. Make sure you’re the resident parent or he can simply choose to move the kids out or not return them. You also know his weak spots and money seems to be number one. Controlling finances. If you have a joint account or kids accounts, make sure you move that money to an account where he doesn’t have access. You may also want to agree a separation date because he can run up debt and you’re liable for half as a married couple.

[KIP.]

I know it’s a lot to take in but I so wish I’d got a head start on my ex. He hid tens of thousands of pounds. Life savings. Nothing is off limits. No low is too low. That includes telling the kids and family and friends the most intimate details about you. Keep a journal of his behaviour too. Let your GP know he’s abusive. Logged details will be really helpful if it comes to court. Keep all important documents and evidence, he’s going to say you’re the abusive controlling one. So get the marriage certificate, mortgage certificates, passports, birth certificates etc etc.

[searchingforhope]

It is so much to take in. At times it can be overwhelming. I’ve my own accounts with my own money. Joint account balance is minimal.
I’ve certs and documents taken out of the home with months and all other documents and statements of mine recently, so he can’t see what I have.
I do fear that nothing would be off limits with him once he realises I’m not going back. He thinks I’ve mental health issues. I’ve spoken to my GP and solicitor. It was my GP recommended I call Women’s aid (detail removed by moderator) ago.
The abuse is emotional and coercive and he twists and turns things so easily. The story he has created in his head now which he fully believes, makes me even doubt myself at times still. But I know deep down that my gut is saying I can’t do this any more. It’s so so tiring though.
You are right in saying nothing I do will be enough, as that is what got me to this stage. I’ve given everything I had to give him. It wasn’t enough. I’ve nothing left for him. I realised it’s time to focus on me again, so that I can be the best mother I can be to my children. Some days though that seems such a huge battle when he’s involved. To have him completely out of the picture would make things so much simpler, but with kids involved I know that will never truly be the case, at least until they are grown up.
I’m lucky I have options. I’m lucky I’ve such great support. It’s still so hard though.

Sending you all love and so much appreciation. It helps so much

[gettingtired]

Sorry I haven’t got time to read all the comments or leave a long reply but it sounds like you’re doing great despite how hard I’m sure it is and how it’s still a long road ahead. Never, ever go back to him, write a list of all of the terrible things he’s done and said and refer to that when you’re feeling sad about him not being there.
The other ladies will have left some great advice above I’m sure. Stay strong, we are always here xx

[KIP.]

Realising that you have nothing left to give is such a positive thing. For years we try everything we can to save our marriage without realising the problem isn’t with us. We cannot fix them. They don’t want to be fixed. They enjoy causing pain and chaos and always will, they anti parent. Always undermining. It is such a difficult thing to get through but once you have caught your breath you can work on zero direct contact which will lessen the impact on you and the kids. I remember the day a switch went off in my head when I realised I’d come to the end of the road with him. I’d tried for decades to fix our marriage but it takes two and the kind of marriage they want is the kind that destroys us. Be kind to yourself. Make time to do some nice things, to slowly build yourself back up. Your confidence and self esteem will be rocked x make sure your solicitor is experienced with domestic abusers x

[Bananaboat]

Follow through with your original plan! He’ll never see the house as being yours, and you’ll always have the memories/emotions of the relationship- for example if you wanted to decorate would you just do it or still worry what he’d think. I suspect he’s ‘letting’ you have it as he thinks he’ll be back in the home before you know it, that entitled attitude of theirs will kick in. That, or he’ll use the house as a weapon against you in arguments or to slate you to others. Fresh start if you can, is best all round. (Sorry if I’ve missed bits of the post, I just read the first one) x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much. I know I must be so careful and cautious. Tru to think ahead. I’ve prepared alot but then I’m slowly so tired from it all now, I wish he would just go away and let me be. His sense of entitlement is huge. I’m trying to tread carefully right now, as I feel there is another big decision coming now. Was hoping that I’d have the space I needed by him leaving, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. He’s not giving up. He wants to win me back and earn my trust again. My gut is saying I’m done. I feel I’ve done so much to get to here, I need to settle a bit and process this much. Not sure if I’m ready to finalise it or go legal, even though in so many ways I feel it’s what I need to do.
I’m not sure am I ready for that battle yet though!!
This is not what I signed up for or where I would ever have imagined I’d be. But then I would hate for my children to be in this position and I don’t think they would want me staying for them either.
Its so difficult. I’ll keep going with baby steps, all I can see right now.

Thanks so much for all your feedback

X*x

[RedStrawberry]

@searchingforhope I don’t know if you’re married or not but if you are I would seriously get some legal advice asap. My ex husband to be got there first and landed me with divorce papers blaming me while i was getting my head around it turning physical. I’ve just learnt that everything goes in the marital pot so all the money I’d been saving where as he’d been spending his is now going to be divided. Fuming doesn’t cover it. He’s going to come off a lot better than when we got together which is so unfair considering what he put me through. He will have rights to live in the family home so I’d take the advice of whoever suggested getting an occupation order while he’s not there. Please get legal advice, I’m so far behind my ex as he got there first so don’t let him take the power off you by getting there first. Sorry if that sounds like a ramble

[searchingforhope]

Thanks for the advice. I’m like you in that my head is there for getting around to legal stuff. I have spoken to a solicitor but I’m holding off on action right now as I’m dealing with the whole separation and the steps I’ve taken to get to here and trying to just get by and support the kids. But what you have said is very valid.
I’m married and he probably has more than me in savings. he also owns land and another house. So realistically should have moved in there, but he hasn’t. I think he’s hoping that I will give things another chance. I’m really not feeling that at all though that a second chance will work. It took me a number of attempts at ending it to get to here.
I was hoping for things to settle a bit before I take further steps, but I’m starting to realise now that I might need to keep moving forward. It’s so hard and my spirit is so tired from it all. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and have all this difficult part done and over with.

Thanks x*x

[KIP.]

Try to separate the head and heart, you can bet he will be moving his savings somewhere he won’t have to declare them and may possibly be putting the other house in the kids names or a family member. Dig deep and act now. He doesn’t have to know but in the long run it could make a huge difference.

[searchingforhope]

It’s so daunting, so much to think of

[KIP.]

Yes it’s overwhelming so break it down into little pieces. Stall for time. I got my ex to move out using a ‘trial separation’ lie. How do you eat an elephant? One teaspoon at a time x

[searchingforhope]

That’s how I managed to get to here also. Said that I don’t know what the future holds but I need this for now. I just needed to separate. But another text last night saying he loves me and misses me.
But I gave him everything, I would have done anything for him, but he didn’t treat me like he should, the coercive control and emotional abuse and saying his depression wouldn’t be so much of an issue if things were ok with us. The constant negative attitude. Afraid to spend money or when I suggested getting things or improving things in the house it was shot down. Eventually I started to regain a little control of my life and be more independent and it really seems that is what he didn’t like, that I wasn’t bowing to him anymore. The sad thing is he doesn’t even see it. Or at least he refuses to see it. He took me for granted for too long and when I was honest and told him how I felt (without mentioning abuse) he took it as an attack on him. Total and complete n********t with huge paranoia issues. I just can’t deal with it any more.
So I will continue day by day, continue eating this elephant one bite at a time.
I think today I will contact solicitor to have first face to face meeting. That will give me time to get my head around that. Must meet him to speak about access, so that will be a pain in the next day or two, but must be done for kids sake. Just need to keep his focus on the kids and not wrecking my head with reuniting!

the support on here has really helped the last few days. I appreciate you all so much.

Have a good day. Sending love x*x

[KIP.]

Sadly I believe they know exactly what they’re doing is wrong or they would do it to others. It’s intimate partner terrorism. You don’t have to meet him in person, meeting in person is toxic. His meeting you is purely to change your mind, to blame you and to make you feel guilty. ThIs is where he plays the victims and the roles are reversed. A simple txt from him saying when he can see the kids would be enough. Be very wary because his agenda now is regaining control. Don’t tell him anything you’re doing. Start as you mean to go on. These men are parasites. Blaming you for his depression is so typical. Never accepting responsibility and passing the guilt onto us to carry. We live in a FOG of abuse, Fear Obligation and Guilt. They like to keep us down. They seem to thrive off our misery like a parasite. The fog is clearing, his game is exposed and he will try to increase his control. Stay safe and nothing is too low for these.

[RedStrawberry]

So glad you’re getting legal advice. I know the feeling about gaining back a little control, it was everytime I started to feel good, a little more confident he’d shoot me down. I’d more recently started questioning his behaviour and I wonder if he’d thought I was about to figure out what he was doing to me. He had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and I’m sure that affected his mental health but he would never admit it. It’s such a horrible feeling that he’s blamed me and there’s nothing I can do about it. Whatever he has will be classed as marital assets and all go in the pot,so inform the solicitor of what you think he has in case he denies it later.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks very much. Had a lengthy draining conversation with him last night again, which was meant to only be about access to kids, but instead all the usual c**p was thrown at me. i haven’t done enough, I should go and sort myself out! His access suggestion is to alternate nights in family home and I go to my mothers when he stays with kids. I wouldn’t have any home then! Ludicrous!
I’ve realised i’ve two options, let him come back and be miserable with his paranoia and n**********c and negative behaviour for the rest of my life or try and build an independent life for myself. I know which one I want, but I see now it’s going to be a long hard road. I knew it would never be easy, but I was hoping for better reasoning than this. I should have known. I was going to the solicitor to see my options and figure things out slowly. But now it’s becoming clearer to me that he will not give in, he will not back down and he will always be right in his opinion.
So as @KIP said I think it was, I must keep eating this elephant bit by bit, but it seems its going to be chewy and tough and slow. just need to keep breathing, take it step by step and go easy on myself. I definitely don’t give myself enough credit for how difficult this all is.

[KIP.]

It is difficult but there are things you can do. Get all your ducks in a row while he’s playing his games. Get that occupation order now. You cannot negotiate with him so set your priorities. If you want him out the house permanently then make that your first bite of the elephant. Otherwise he’s coming back soon. He only left because he though you’d beg him to come back and now that’s not happening he will punish you. Talk to your local womens aid x you’re not alone. His demands will be deliberately outrageous because he’s nit looking for compromise, he wants the power.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks. I’ll see how things go with solicitor

[Author]

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