This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  PaleBlueStar 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #112871
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    I’m getting myself stuck in that stupid stupid roundabout – could I be better? Is it my fault? You know what? There are times when I say yes, it is me. I can change things. I can make things better. He’s right. It’s me.

    But then I step backwards so that I can see the bigger picture. I look at the records I’ve kept and I read or contemplate Lundy Bancroft’s words. And I say no! This is a pattern. Look at the whole of his behaviour. Look at the bad temper and the blaming, look at the completely irrational behaviour. Look at the bits that cannot be your fault in any way. Don’t look at the bits where you think he might have a point because they are irrelevant.

    He is an abuser. End of. Don’t analyse this and that. He is an abuser.
    Don’t stay. Don’t stay. Don’t stay. He is an abuser and he isn’t going to change. Stop analysing how you’ve dealt with situations. Stop asking yourself how it could have gone differently.
    It won’t.
    He’s an abuser.
    There is no excuse for him to abuse me. There is no excuse.
    It’s not me.
    It’s doesn’t matter what you do. Or don’t do. It’s not going to stop.

    Just STOP thinking you can make things ok because you can’t, you stupid woman. Just leave.

  • #112887
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Honestly lovely lady, you’re not stupid, just normal; a normal person trying to makes sense of an abnormal relationship. I think we’ve all gone through this and still continue to, even when we know, undeniably that it was abuse.

    Yes, please do read back over your notes and your posts on here. The nice won’t last forever and you can get back to seeing things as they really are. xx

  • #112888
     Wiseafter 
    Participant

    Lottieblue. I really hope you’re OK. you are not stupid and it is hard. Talk to someone you trust. Make a plan. Get some support and advice and please please be kind to yourself. x

  • #113039
     PaleBlueStar 
    Participant

    Until a month or so ago I believed everything was told.

    That it was my fault.

    My behaviour was terrible and I was an abuser.

    That I was lucky to have him but needed to show much more gratitude and praise him more.

    And every day I’d get up and think how can I stop him losing his temper today? How can I keep him calm? How can I avoid an argument. And I became this little tiny creeping about type person mostly. Apart from when he abused our son.

    It seems a life time ago!

    Not only can I not change him I don’t want to. I am not abusive he is. I want and deserve a better life and so do you Lottie.

    I can’t wait to be free. I’ve started telling people very firmly so there is no going back. My father encouraged me to get the house valued and on the market ASAP.

    Progress towards my better life feels good.

    Hang in there and see you on the other side!

    Star 🌟

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