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    • #145932
      velvet-ribbon
      Participant

      My husband has told me that our marriage is (detail removed by Moderator).

      We sleep separately now, because he wants to be able to sleep how he likes and not (detail removed by Moderator).
      When he sleeps next to me I hear him breathing behind me and it triggers flashbacks of when he raped me (detail removed by Moderator). When I remind him of this he asks (detail removed by Moderator). He has never given me a choice. I never pressed charges for that but he was arrested for trying to (detail removed by Moderator).
      It was good at times and i had an illusion of a happy marriage, that he had changed. My parents minimise what he has done and always take his side over mine. They said I’ve got faults too and that I’ve always been difficult.
      He goes on about how (detail removed by Moderator) he is, drops comments about other women, seems to want me to worship he ground he walks on, and when I try to explain my feelings he is like an empty shell of a person. I don’t think he is human. He asked if (detail removed by Moderator). I replied that (detail removed by Moderator)! He is interested only in himself and does what he wants when he wants.
      There’s nothing there, I can’t get him to actually empathise or to make a decision to leave. He said it had been a good marriage!

      I’m so angry right now, I wish I could speak to my mum or someone but I know she would make me feel worse. They are still angry and not talking to me because I had a breakdown on (detail removed by Moderator). I’m so so sick of feeling like this, I just want to feel loved.

    • #145935
      KIP.
      Participant

      This man is a dangerous (detail removed by Moderator) and he is destroying your mental health. Have you spoken to womens aid or had counselling? He doesn’t see a problem with the marriage because he has a victim who like a parasite he can suck the life from. In abusive relationships on thrives and the other dives. Guess which one you are? Living with a violent rapist is too much for the mind to cope with. I’m not blaming you at all, it’s extremely difficult to escape an abusive relationship alone so start to gather a good support network and keep a secret journal of his behaviour and how it’s made you feel over the years. All the little digs about other women is designed to destroy your self esteem and confidence which makes a person easier to dominate x talk to your GP. The domestic abuse helpline too x you’re not alone. None of this is your fault 💕

    • #145936
      KIP.
      Participant

      Abusers are liars, do not believe a word he says. Look at his actions.

    • #145945
      velvet-ribbon
      Participant

      Thank you all for reading my post and for taking the time to reply. Especially at the time I posted!

      I am trying to build a support network and I have a new job. One problem is we have so many mutual friends and he is very active in the community. Professionally he is very successful and works a lot. He always has some project or obsession which takes up all his time or he is on social media.

      When I met him I was (detail removed by Moderator), and he was the person that ‘rescued’ me. Things were intense really quickly I would say the abuse really started after I got pregnant. That was emotional but the physical and sexual abuse started after the birth when I started putting the baby first. After he was arrested and returned to the house he changed his behaviour and there was a period of almost normality (detail removed by Moderator). Apart from the effects the trauma had on me, and the ongoing emotional and financial abuse which got worse as the children got older.

      I’m so confused. (detail removed by Moderator) I went downstairs feeling angry and he came up to me to give me a hug or a kiss, and I recoiled so he then said it was (detail removed by Moderator). Should I go and give him affection just to keep the peace with him while I make a plan? I have stopped being affectionate and am only civil with him at the moment because he kept blowing hot and cold and it was messing me up. Part of me is repulsed by him, but at the same time I feel a rejection every time he distances from me. I’ve been wondering if it is actually me that is the (detail removed by Moderator) and not him. I have been researching this recently and I do feel that he has (detail removed by Moderator).

    • #145948
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Very familiar to my situation. It took police social services and IDVA to get us safe. He was a danger to me and my family even though mr successful professional to the outside world. The reason you are looking to blame yourself is the doubt and fear he has created. He is always playing the victim blaming you – read up on trauma bond and gaslighting. It’s not you he is the one doing all the abuse. The psychological part of this abuse was the most difficult for me to get my head around. The physical violence was what it was and easier to recognise although even then he would say (detail removed by Moderator) as he repeatedly (detail removed by Moderator) or slammed me into a wall. It took me time to even recognise that was physical abuse and I’m still recognising new things this week – ages after leaving! Not sure why ? Go gentle with yourself but do get support to leave safely. You don’t deserve this – be careful he may well spot you getting stronger. My ex did and I needed help quickly. Sorry if that sounds alarming – but preparation in secret is key to get safe . Can you talk to womens aid? What do your adult children say? Take care you are not alone x

    • #145959
      velvet-ribbon
      Participant

      Watersprite, sorry I thought I had submitted my response but it seems to have been lost in the void. Thank you for your reply, I’m so sorry you have been through similar situation. Glad you are safe now and hope you and your family are doing better. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone and that there are people out there who have shown it is possible to get out of the trap and get their lives back.

      Although I have an adult child they are still young and not independent so need support. Custody issues would apply to the rest of my family. I hope that is not giving away too much. The adult child has also been on the receiving end of verbal abuse and dislikes their father. I’m certain they are the exception there though. My husband is popular with the rest of the family and in some ways is a good father.

    • #145990
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      Hello Velvet-Ribbon,
      Your posts have raised my heart-rate. The detail is not entirely the same as my marriage, but you are absolutely in the same place that I had got to when I finally left.
      KIP always has really wise words but there are a couple of things I will echo of hers – firstly, this will destroy your mental health. Utterly. I slid very quickly into a place that was very, very uncomfortable to be – including that questioning on how to behave with him.
      Secondly, it is really important that you speak with Women’s Aid as they will help you on a practical and emotional level.
      I also had adult (but dependent) children, and one was particularly affected by their father’s behaviour. My husband also had a strong business and social standing and this, along with his lies, is a real challenge for me now – but I absolutely DO NOT regret leaving, no matter how many questions I ask myself and the world in general.

      Have you started making plans to leave?
      Have you spoken to a lawyer? It helps so much – remember that knowledge is power…

    • #145993
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hey Velvet, I am so sorry that your husband is doing this to you. The rejection you feel when he withdraws his affection is deliberate, he is trying to ware you down to keep you in this abusive relationship, he knows exactly what he has done to you, he knows he is a rapist and relies on his abuse so that you are too confused or it has been minimised so you will nit do anything.

      Knowledge is power, read living with The Dominater by Pat Craven, phone some local solicitors (DA specialist Solictors were the best in my opinion) for free 30 min consultation, email your Citizen’s Advice asking for help, have you a female GP you could talk to? Also, keep a journal of his abuse, I kept mine in my phone notes. As Lottieblue said, have you thought about leaving and a safe exit plan? Your local womans aid can help with a safety plan?

      He will not change. I left my abusive disgusting husband after decades (i was in love with him, i now know it was a trauma bond), me and teenage kids are now mentally better (financially not but that’s ok, we adjusted as we are happier)…
      Keep posting ❤

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