This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  KIP. 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #115181
     clarityneeded 
    Participant

    My marriage is over and he text me the other day while he is away (detail removed by moderator) for a few days. He basically said (detail removed by moderator).
    I am in shock and have such mixed emotions, I feel sick and really do not know what I should do next. He is not back for a few days and I do not know whether I should move out with the kids, I have somewhere I could go or do I stay in our home and wait for him to come back.
    I knew he would blame me he has said it so many times before, but he just does not realize that he has driven me to this point with his behaviour.
    I have no idea what his plans are or if he is coming back to the house to live, the only other thing he said was (detail removed by moderator). I did ask what he meant but he has not answered me!!
    I know this relationship is toxic but when this finally happened I though I would feel so much better, but I don’t. I am know thinking have I got it wrong, have I been over sensitive in the past, I really do not trust myself at all.
    I also have not said anything to the kids yet, It breaks my heart to think I am doing this to them.
    Did anyone else feel this bad, I thought I would be relieved but I am not, I am so confused and cannot think straight. Sorry for the long post I just need some advice. thank you.

  • #115184
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He’s doing this deliberately to send you into a head spinning frenzy. He’s expecting you to come begging back to him because of this insecurity and fear. Using the children for emotional manipulation. I don’t know your circumstances but if you have somewhere else to go then that’s what I would do because if you stay somewhere he has legal access to then it will be difficult to keep him away. My ex did something like this and involved another woman. He thought I’d come running back but I went running straight to a solicitor. It was the biggest favour he ever did me. This behaviour from him is crazy making. It’s push and pull. He sends you a message like this then refuses to engage with you making you feel more desperate. You need to cut him out of your plans altogether. Move somewhere you don’t need anything from him, contact a solicitor and get him to pay you maintenance Until the legal side is settled. Contact is toxic so use a third party for contact and protect yourself because when he realises his games don’t work anymore the abuse will escalate x

  • #115187
     beachhut 
    Participant

    Hi,
    I can imagine the shock you had on receiving the message from your H. Please be careful in believeing what he said, I was told on numerous occasions that my abuser would leave, and that I had ruined his life, and got what I wanted. The trouble was it was all lies to suck you in and be off guard. He always came back to get stuff and make calls, and never actually left so I didn’t get what I wanted. Be careful nothing has actually happened yet, just you getting worried and upset.

    Take care.

  • #115188
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He absolutely does know he’s driven you to this point but he will never ever admit that. The very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away. You’re saving your children from being raised in a home with an abuser who will teach them his dysfunctional behaviour. Leaving is showing them that you won’t tolerate abuse and they don’t have to either. It’s not easy but you can do this, the alternative is years and years of his mind games and punishments and anti parenting. Call his bluff and save yourself and your kids x gather that support around you, ring your local women’s aid, get out while you can with your belongings and your children’s belongings and engage a solicitor as soon as possible. Don’t play his games x

  • #115189
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    I agree with Kip completely! Call his bluff and use this opportunity to get from him! He is doing this on purpose to mess with your head because he knows it will! He thinks you will come running to him, begging, pleading and abusers thrive off this! It makes them feel good. For all you know he may just be saying this then Rock back up like nothing happened expecting you to greet him.
    Call his bluff grab what you can and if you have somewhere to go leave! Don’t tell him where you are he will return to an empty home and know your not having it anymore.
    Do not fall victim to their crafty little messed up games stay strong lovely x

  • #115195
     clarityneeded 
    Participant

    Thank you all, he does this he is so good at making me feel guilty. He asked if I have told the children and to make sure I make it clear its my decision. What do you tell the kids I don’t want to say Im leaving because of his behaviour, I do not want to talk badly of him, but I know he will of me. I worry so much about how this is going to affect them and how they will look at me.x

  • #115201
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I didn’t want to talk bad of my ex either but boy did he stick it to me with our child and anyone who would listen. It’s not upto him to tell you what to say to people. He’s a liar and he’s using your children already and emotional abuse. Make sure you keep these text messages. It’s even more reason to leave. This is where it’s most dangers for a woman to leave. You can see his abuse a ready escalating. Don’t know what age your kids are but they may already have a good idea what their dad is like. Yes it’s your decision to leave for the sake of your children, your safety, your sanity, your future. It’s a decision to be proud of. It takes courage. If you communicate with him you let him play mind games. Use a third party for communication. You tell the children he hurts you and you can’t stay with him. Don’t defend him but you dint need to go into details. There’s a Lindy Bancroft book Why Daddy Hurts Mummy. Have a look. Talk to the national domestic abuse helpline and the NSPCC. You’re doing the right thing in leaving but he will try to twist it in every way he can. Let your family know he’s an abuser and you need help x

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