Its started…very scared and anxious…

[Cecile]

I initiated my ‘phase one’ (detail removed by moderator), beginning divorce proceedings. I have had wildly anxious and fearful thoughts that when I describe what happens with my husband the solicitor would say it was insufficient or wasn’t really coercive control. I had a list of things to tell them, but was stopped me after a few and they are winging in to help.(detail removed by moderator). Soon -to-be-ex. has a(minor)problem, seeking my sympathy which I blocked and did not respond to emotionally.I felt riddled with guilt and so nasty.
Then, he lost his temper I didn’t calm get to the animals quickly enough. Eyeballed me and scowled and growled etc. and I had the willies as you do and scurried away.Opened the door and turned on the charm to the caller. (detail removed by moderator). Any advice?

[Lisa]

Hi Cecile

You have done really well to initiate divorce proceedings, however if you are still living together the abuse may escalate as he know you are serious about ending the relationship now.

You may want to contact your local domestic abuse service as they may have information about local solicitors who have lots of experience in domestic abuse cases.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Cecile]

Thanks Lisa, wheels in motion for support now. Hopefully all goes well.

[diymum@1]

Cecile have a look at intimidation this is actually classed as physical abuse xx being in your face grimacing and frightening you is physical xx to prove coercive control is look up the law on line and compare your experience along side that? Xx

[Cecile]

Thanks diymum you are right. Have sought support, formally.

[diymum@1]

That’s great news and don’t be scared to instruct the lawyer they get good pay xx get over to them everything every example of his behaviour as cc is a crime of abuse like any other xx I know it’s hard to describe as can be so subtle but does tend to be a pattern xx get your gp on side xx 😘

[Cecile]

Thanks diymum1- I feel like a mechanical toy that keeps needing someone to turn the key so I have the energy to keep going. This forum and the advice is doing that. It is so easy to slip back into being charmed and distracted by them isn’t it.(Having a full on blast of ‘help’ and pseudo-empathy tonight from him). The energy they suck out of us makes it easier, or thats how I find it, for the manipulation to continue.

I have some ducks in a row now in terms of legal and emotional help. He still doesn’t know!!:O
Counting myself very lucky for the kind and compassionate people I have encountered lately.

GP is fantastic. Couldn’t have done it without the GP. On medication which yes has some minor side effects but has helped me to think clearly without crying all the time.The help is out there, its just having a little nudge in the right direction. All women in these situations have the law behind them.

I am getting help from professionals now, and notice a pattern. They look very dismayed/horrified when I tell them what’s happened. Just bits. They frown a lot. Ask more questions, trying to find out why I haven’t left sooner. A lot of pauses. A lot of probing around why I stayed, which is when I have to try and explain that I have blanks continually around abusive behaviours, that co-ercive control follows a certain pattern, etc. Still I end up thinking that I am really stupid for stickling it out with him,. This is good, as `I had been so de-sensitised. I need to regain my sense of horror and outrage… and so do all of us in these situations.

I need to act upon my responsibility to myself.

[Blahblahblah1234]

Very well done! I hope I’m in your position soon x

[Cecile]

Yeah, it is so empowering to see in writing, from my solicitor, that legal action will be taken if the get s angry with me as I saw today, it was like winning a lottery but better. Calling him out. I want to frame this document.After so many decades of his manipulation and anger and hatred to me, this is my time. I feel like ten feet tall! Of course the little inner voice in me said ‘oh have you gone too far? Have you exaggerated and lied?’ and I have to keep going over what I told the solicitor, which I received a written account of and to me read like dish water, neither here not there against the context of what I have experienced in total. If the legal service finds this sufficient for such boundaries to protect me I am……thrilled, flying, happy beyond measure. All it took was one phone call. The help is out there!

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Cecile, thank you for posting. I’ve left my oh but haven’t started divorce proceedings as yet. Your courage shines through your post, thank you💞

[Escapee]

Hi Cecile,

I just wanted to cheer you on!
Well done, you are being so brave and strong.
I haven’t been brave enough to start divorce proceedings yet – I am full of admiration for you.

Sending you love and support x*x

[Cecile]

Thanks so much. Cannot tell you how happy I am and how good and relieved it feels to have some recognition of,and protection from the abuse. Still early days but I feel pretty powerful now! Any one can do the same, call the abusers out and protect ourselves. 🙂

[KIP.]

Please remember it’s the most dangerous time for you. I remember that feeling of power and elation right before he attacked me. Stay safe x

[Cecile]

thanks kip will be on alert.

[lover of no contact]

Well done Cecile. His thinking will be “I’ll wipe that smile off her face” so be careful. Minimum contact while living with him. He’s in the kitchen you go into the living room. He’s in the living room you need to go to the bathroom etc, etc

Also don’t feel bad about staying so long. It’s the hardest thing in life to recognize their manipulations and then harder still to leave. I stayed for 2 decades. I’m presently staying in a job with an abuser boss and some abuser work colleagues. My mum was an abuser so lived with her for 2 decades. In an ideal world we’d recognize it immediately and leave but very few do that. The good thing is with new friendships and new work colleagues I’m recognizing the red flags immediately and I’m not even going there with getting into a relationship with them. Minimum engagement with workplace abusers.

[Cecile]

You are so right, lover of no contact. Can I call you LONC for short?:)

Sorry to hear about your workplace, very common nowadays I.m.o. Well done for recognising it and using your knowledge. Somebody famous once said ‘nobody walks on you unless you let them’, obviously this person had little experience of coercive control and the almighty enormous learning and strategic manoeuvring required to escape.
I am avoiding him very difficult as both in same house. He is using a charm offensive, so polite and nice. I can see he is wondering why it is not working. I can also see how I used to respond to this with being kind and sensitive and chatty to him. Due to tell him that proceedings are commencing, (detail removed by moderator)

[KIP.]

It’s the love bombing that I always gave in to. Once I worked out what was going on I wouldn’t give in to his love bombing. This infuriated him. He could always regain control this way but when he realised nothing would work. That’s when the violence came. We minimise their behaviour and that makes them dangerous and us vulnerable. Stay safe x

[Cecile]

I am a bit concerned about the tone of the legal letters to him, I have drafts for my agreement, quite specific in describing things he has done to me. Okay these things are true. Also weird and degrading. That is worrying me, his reaction to these as reasons for the divorce.

Reading everyone’s posts here, I am reminded of people in prison talking about when they get out…can they leave.. almost will they be allowed. (I include myself). How very sad if I cannot have some one who is legally defending me tell this horrible person that specific acts against me are wrong. That is what he has done to me, to generate the mindset of a prisoner who deserves to be locked up and deprived of liberty and degraded.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Hi, well done for starting the divorce proceedings, but just be aware that he might make things difficult when he sees your reasons for the divorce. My solicitor wrote down the most serious things that my Husband did on the divorce petition and my Husband refused to accept any of them, eventually his solicitor sent me a letter with a list of reasons that he’d come up with, written as if I’d written them myself, and basically said that if I didn’t file a new petition with those (very minor) reasons instead then he’d defend the divorce. I now wish that I’d just included more minor reasons at the beginning to avoid all of the stress. I also wish that I’d had a solicitor send him a letter telling him not to contact me right at the beginning instead of waiting months x

[KIP.]

It won’t work trying to divorce him while living in the same house. It’s extremely dangerous for you. They are completely unpredictable. He will make things as difficult for you as possible. Ramping up the abuse. You are not dealing with a rational human being. Taking his power and control. Denting his ego. Extremely dangerous. I’m surprised your solicitor hasn’t explained the danger. You need to get yourself somewhere safe and get all your ducks in a row. Then let the solicitor deal with him. My ex stalled the divorce for two years then used the two year separation law to divorce me. Don’t become embroiled in reasons, just get the quickest and simplest way to disentangle yourself from him x

[Author]

Posts