It’s the Little Things

[Blackfish]

I have posted previously and won’t go into detail about the past… but I never left.
I stayed and believed things would change but there are little things there. I’m getting better at calling them out but each time I do I’m made to feel silly and accusational.

Recently I wanted to go out with my friends but my partner was concerned I would bump into a man who doesn’t even live in this country and who I’ve never even slept with let alone had a relationship with. It casted doubt in my mind and I thought about not going at all.

He hates my family and if I do get to see them I don’t feel like I can post on socks media about it.

(Detail removed by moderator) – I hate socialising with new people and (removed by moderator) so making this step was a big deal for me to make new friends and establish myself. I had a nice time. I had two drinks and was put on a table with people I didn’t know and got to know. (removed by moderator). When I didn’t back down he has accused me of starting an arguement. I tried to calmly explain that was not what I was trying to do and explain how his questions made me feel and he closed me down telling me he was going to sleep now.
Is this abuse? Am I right to feel a little like he is trying to tower over me? He’s dampened my night when I am so proud of myself for doing something out of my comfort zone and meeting new people which I am not good at. Now I just feel silly and a black cloud over me.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there Blackfish, and I want to say well done on sitting at that table with strangers. I know that feeling only too well.
He’s trying his utmost to get you to stop going out and meeting people, to make it easier to stay at home instead of having another row or atmosphere. He wants you to himself so his abuse can get worse, where you’re self esteem will be so low you’ll wonder where you went. It’s the little things that on their own mean nothing but put them together and it shows a cycle of abuse. He’s alienating you from your family, who he hates, so he’ll do everything to stop you from seeing them. Mine says he doesn’t stop me seeing them and its true he doesnt say the words but his actions beg to differ. It’s the constant going over and over the one thing like your night out, changing tactics like an inquisitors. Well done for standing up to him but it really makes no odds what we say or do, (detail removed by moderator) I’m sorry to say that this is abusive behaviour, and it was meant to put a dampner on your night out. You’ve made him feel he’s not the centre of your world, he wants you to think only of him all day every day, to the exclusion of all others, literally.
You’re on here, so you have an inkling that he’s being abusive but my darling it’s so hard to accept, it’s like being hit by a train. All you can do is arm yourself with information. If this is the beginning of the abuse, get out and don’t look back, he will never change. If you’ve been with him for a while, you could be trauma bonded to him. Google this, it can explain why we stay so much better.
Don’t let him steal your light sweetheart, you deserve someone who loves you, likes you to have fun and diesnt accuse you of anything wrong.
Take care. IWMB 💕💕

[LozzyX]

This sort of behaviour is definitely a red flag, please listen to your gut instincts

This is how it starts, it knocks your confidence for 6, you are made to feel like you have done/said something wrong, but you haven’t at all. My (soon to be ex) husband would be horrible to me after any night out with mates… And be prepared for it to get worse… The moodiness and snide comments will begin before the night out, then constant calls or texts during the night out
. It strips away the enjoyment , makes you anxious and end up worrying about the aftermath so much so that you cannot enjoy the company of others or nights out in fear of upsetting your partner… They brain wash us

[LozzyX]

Also just to add, please do not feel you have to justify leaving him … If you feel uneasy about the relationship you do not have to be obliged in providing him with a justification to leave…. I think that’s what stopped me.leaving , I felt obliged to stay plus I’d made vows…. Remember the FOG they use to keep us trapped – fear, obligation, guilt.

[Blackfish]

Thank you all so much. I’ve barelt slept wondering if I am overreacting, but it’s right to say I know what’s happening in my gut. I identify so much with the actions speaking louder than words. He’s never said I can’t – but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t made me purposefully feel like I can’t. And th constant cycle of being told I am overreacting and how dare I accuse him of abuse because of course – he isn’t an abuser, he’s a man who has simply done xyz and why is that abuse? If anything it’s CONCERN etc etc. The list goes on with him, but each time it happens I dampen it down and brush it under the carpet and tell myself he’s right, I’m probably overreacting and it could be worse as he isn’t physically violent. But this is a steep path and I’ve had enough of feeling like I CANT and want to feel more like I a can.
Reading these replies this morning has helped me know that I need to make the right choice for me, because by staying I’m going to lose myself. Thank you.

[Flowerchild]

Bottom line, Blackfish dear, is whether he’d accept or expect the same sort of grilling from you every time he went out. Flip the roles and see whether this is an equal relationship you’re in.

Being interrogated at length like this makes you seem like a prisoner and him your jailer, doesn’t it? And that’s never right.

Unless you can socialise occasionally with work colleagues or friends and have him smilingly say ‘Did you have a nice time?’ and leave it at that when you get in, he’s not an equal partner, is he?

An abuser believes he owns your body, mind, time, attention and perhaps even the money you earn. Every time you think a private thought, express an opinion or give some attention to a friend, hobby, job, entertainment that isn’t him or spend money on something just for you, an abuser feels robbed, hard-done-by and jealous. An abuser cannot bear you to have anything in your life that he doesn’t control and monitor in detail.

An equal partner accepts that you have your own ideas, opinions, career, money, pastimes and friendship group and he enjoys the richness this brings to the time you spend together. He respects you and seeks your opinion on things, listening and learning from you.

Which is he?

Flower x

[Iwantmeback]

Omg Flower, my husband does that with me all the time, the poor me, hard done to what about me, if I buy myself anything. The thing is I used to buy him all the time too but over the years, all I got was from him was, a tshirt, boxers aftershave,said so hurtfully ,no matter what I got him he always made out it was worthless. Didn’t matter what I bought him. It’s gotten to the stage i don’t know what to buy him for birthdays or Christmas as I just know it’ll not be appreciated. He’ll drop hints of course for things that are so out my price range. I’ve tried to save up but never ever managed. Any time I did, it was where did you get the money from, thought you were skint. I’ve also learned that if he did find out I had savings there was always something we just had to have which was for the benefit of us both.
God help me of he found up just how much I’ve put away now!!!

[Author]

Posts