Viewing 30 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #124317
      Catjam
      Participant

      Tomorrow is the day I have promised myself I am going. Regardless of whether he is home or not. But I am feeling sick, have a migraine and can’t stop shaking.
      I’m trying to remind myself why I am doing this, why I am walking away from my home of many decades. I made a promise to myself that when I had saved enough money to get out I would. It’s taken me a long time. This was a promise I made to myself even though at that point I didn’t know it was abusive the way he treated me.
      I am really hoping his plans for tomorrow don’t get cancelled

    • #124320
      beachhut
      Participant

      Hi Catjam,

      Quite natural to feel sick, shake and every other emotion to go through, this is a very difficult time, you know why you have to leave, but when the time gets nearer you question everything, I couldn’t even remember who I was, but like you made a promise to myself that I would go and left everything, and moved miles away and stayed with a friend, not ideal but got me away from a life, that was slowly destroying me. Just stay strong, try not to think to far ahead, and look after yourself. I truly hope your plan comes together for tomorrow and you can keep that promise you made to yourself.

      Take care of you, beachhutXx

    • #124323
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Catjam

      Do you feel ready to go?

    • #124324
      KIP.
      Participant

      Ignore any doubts. Think of the long term when you’re free from abuse. It’s a leap of faith because of the brainwashing of abuse but you can do this. If you’re scared then ring the police and ask them to come to your home as you pack and leave. That way he can’t kick off. You’re stronger than you think. To survive the kid of abuse we have makes us the strongest women on the planet so use that inner strength now to your advantage. Youve got this x

    • #124334
      Catjam
      Participant

      Thanks. It depends on the time of day. Sometimes I am so ready other times I want to give it more time. He hasn’t been violent for years, I think it will be more begging and pleading. He will be devastated and lost. I do everything including ensuring he takes any tablets. He doesn’t even get his own paracetamol if he has a headache.

    • #124335
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      Oh Catjam, I feel for you.
      It is really really difficult. It was decades for me, too, and mine was also devastated and lost. I am gradually becoming stronger and able to see things more clearly and the main thing that I feel is that I was no longer me and I never want to be like that again.
      I felt, very strongly, that I had no option but to leave. Leave or die. Didn’t make it easy but I knew it had to be done.
      Do you? X

    • #124336
      KIP.
      Participant

      He’s not your responsibility. And he will manage fine although he will pretend not. I did everything for my ex and thought the same. He was seeing someone behind my back and quickly moved on to his next victims while begging and pleading with me. These men land on their feet. If you have kids he will reel them in by playing the victim. Don’t waste your energy and emotions on him. You will need that energy for his delusional nonsense to come. You’re absolutely doing the right thing. You’ve sacrificed too much of your life already x time for you now x

    • #124340
      Cecile
      Participant

      I came on here today because it’s the anniversary, (detail removed by Moderator), since I was in your position. I was in your frame of mind (detail removed by Moderator) It was terrifying, looking back. At the time I was numb and had lost all sense of emotions and self. A psychologist told me this is the brain in flight-or fight mode. It stops the feeling bit and focuses on getting away from danger.if you could truly get some perspective on your life, and get back your sensitivity to horrible experiences or aggression to yourself, you would be horrified with what you are being subjected to. Even the fact you are afraid to leave or seem to think you should not….ai was there for decades feeling the same. Now I know a home is somewhere you can walk in and out of when ever you want. It’s where you can relax to be yourself, and to feel safe and warm and content. You should have a home, and it is your right to have one. What you are living in at the moment is a prison. There is a universe of happiness and peace awaiting you, I promise. Leave and live.

    • #124343
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Just to let you know I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow @Catjam. You’ve spent so long planning, this last period before you leave is so intense. Keep the focus on yourself. You have made yourself a promise. You deserve freedom and a life of your own.

      What he does or doesn’t do is of no matter, you have given him enough of your YOUR one precious life. He might well be lost without his maid, his cook, his nurse and someone to boss around and control. You are so so much more than that. He is not a child and if he can’t look after himself it’s high time he learned. Not your responsibility or your problem.

      You can do this. Hope everything goes as smoothly as possible tomorrow, keep reaching out and the very best of luck. Sending a big hug xx

    • #124344
      Eggshells
      Participant

      OK. I’m not really sure if youvare worried about how he copes or if you’re worried about how you will cope. If you’re worried about him, don’t be. He’s an adult and he needs to start acting like one. He is not your responsibility.

      If you are worried about how you will cope, are you able to put your finger on what it is that’s really worrying you?

    • #124348
      Catjam
      Participant

      He knows. He found some boxes I had packed. I was very matter of fact and told him he had to respect that I needed some space and time or he would never see me again. Not sure how tonight will go or how much stuff I will get out.
      I’m worried that I am making a mistake and that if I give him a little longer he will realise how much I mean to him and step up. But he’s had a year to do that so I don’t think anything will change.
      Thank you for your support xx

    • #124350
      Bettertimesahead
      Participant

      Catjam , please keep safe now he knows. You are right, he won’t change. Stick with your plans.You have done so well already. Keep us updated as you can x

    • #124351
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hi Catjam – I wish you all the very best for tomorrow. You can do this! They don’t change he would have by now x – be prepared for love bombing or a serious escalation of abuse or cycles between. Keep your phone charged – call police if needed. Take the step you have been preparing for – you deserve a life free from abuse – when you get out you will see things so much more clearly. It’s hard and a journey but my regret is not leaving sooner. Take care and keep us posted x*x

    • #124354
      Catjam
      Participant

      Lots of tears and at one point he told me that I was making a big mistake. He started really crying and swearing, was going on about (detail removed by moderator). Apparently he has been having counselling (detail removed by moderator). Then he told me(detail removed by moderator). Heaven knows what will happen today. I intend on getting what I can and just hoping I can get the rest at a later time.

    • #124356
      beachhut
      Participant

      Morning Catjam.

      Hope all goes well today.

      It is a shame that when they find out we are going that the promises of better behaviour come out, the crying and the sorry and the fact that we are making the biggest mistake by going. What a load of rubbish, they feel sorry for them selves as they will have to do all the things we did for them when we are gone. I was told that he would forgive me (don’t know what for) if I stayed. I didn’t need forgiveness for anything as I had done nothing wrong, except to stay for longer than I should. Some of their performances are Oscar winning, don’t be sucked back in. Leave today and start the rest of your life away from abuse.

      Take care of you, beachhutXx

    • #124358
      KIP.
      Participant

      Keep going and get out now. The delusional nonsense that comes out they’re mouth is only for themselves. The bottom line is if someone doesn’t want to be with you, you don’t emotionally blackmail or threaten them. That in itself shows just how little he cares for you. His behaviour is going to get worse when you leave so please stick to zero contact. Even if you believe he’s been going to counselling it’s clearly not helping. He’s not your responsibility. Get out and get out safely x

    • #124359
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Morning Catjam,

      Hope all goes well today. Once you get yourself out, body, mind and spirit, the rest is all only stuff.

      Hope you’re not too worn out after his performance last night. Stay strong, he’s had your whole marriage to address his abuse and treat you properly and he hasn’t done anything, he certainly won’t change now. Talk is cheap. Save yourself and get to freedom.

      Good luck and take care xx

    • #124365
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Morning Catjam,

      I hope you have managed to get out OK?

      I just wanted to address your fears that he might change. I also had this fear. The ladies are right, he won’t change.

      Even if he us having counselling (I suspect it’s a lie) he won’t be engaging with it. They don’t have the capacity for that. It takes courage for them to face up to the monsters that they are and they don’t have courage.

      Despite all the promises to change and have counselling, he will soon turn nasty once he realises that the love bombing and emotional manipulation aren’t working.

      So please don’t worry that you’ll be missing out on some wonderful new version of him, he really isn’t going to change – not for real.

      Stay safe. Please let us know how you are. xx

    • #124395
      Catjam
      Participant

      Out!! He didn’t leave so it was very traumatic. 1 of our daughters is with him now and the other is coming over. Only the older one is really annoyed with me, the other 2 are just wanting me to be safe and happy.
      He did cling to me but (detail removed by moderator) to walk away then had me leave. I’m sure it’s only going to get worse.
      I can’t stop crying though

    • #124398
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Oh Catjam, that does sound difficult. Well done for seeing it through. If you need to cry, go for it, just let it all out.

      You have done an incredibly brave and difficult thing. So proud of you. xx

    • #124399
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Oh Catjam I’m so happy to hear you got out but so sad for you that it was so traumatic. Be so kind to yourself and hold fast to what you know to be true; you were his victim, not the other way around. He was making you miserable and had done for a very long time. You deserve peace and happiness and are a survivor. Thriving will take time so be very patient with yourself, and cry all you need to. You have been through so much and you didn’t deserve any of it. They are not tears of self pity but tears of self compassion, and that is very healing. In your own space you can cry all you want, you don’t have to pretend everything is fine when it’s not.
      Take the very best care, you are so brave and it does get easier x*x

    • #124420
      Catjam
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your support. Reading your comments has given me a great deal of comfort. I know it’s not going to be an easy road but it’s needed to sort myself out.
      I do keep worrying about him but that’s normal

    • #124436
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Catjam

      Just wanted to show you some support. It took a lot of courage to leave and I hope today is a lot calmer. One step at a time, you will get there by leaning on all the support available. I hope you are safe where you are.

      We are all here for you so please keep posting.

      Take care

      Lisa

    • #124452
      Living Warrior
      Participant

      hi hunni.
      you are so brave in doing what you have done. i know how hard that is! you are extremely brave and courageous. the emotions will be up and down. the feelings about how he will cope will come and go. Just keep reminding yourself that he may be upset or sad or whatever, but that is not YOUR fault.
      you are both grown ups and both make choices. these choices got him where he is now.
      you do not deserve to suffer any more just because he gets upset.

      Things may seem to be up and down for a while, but always remind yourself of the facts… you were unhappy thats why you left. you have the right to be happy. you have the right to say no more. you have rights! 🙂
      good luck on your journey.

    • #124464
      Darcy
      Participant

      Well done for leaving Angel … When in doubt, there is no doubt
      Time for you to stand in your power, the journey begins.. credit yourself with how strong you are … it takes a lot of strength to leave
      Be kind to yourself and right now just breath … you will be in shock for a while and still live as if you were in your old life, being nervous and watching what you say, but over time this will ease and you will become truly you again
      Sending you continued love and support
      Darcy xx

    • #124470
      Catjam
      Participant

      My eldest is not happy because I didn’t trust her enough to tell her I was leaving. She is a real daddy’s girl and tends to side with him or just tells me that’s how he is. She says the fact I have only told them bits makes it hard for her to trust me and if it’s easier for me to say her dad has brainwashed everyone and he has damaged the relationship then that’s fine.
      But she doesn’t know where she stands and doesn’t know what to think.
      I told her I was sorry, that I did things the way I did thinking I was doing right but that hopefully one day things will be better. It has floored me though, I knew she would be the one who is the unhappiest with the split.

      • #124472
        KIP.
        Participant

        Not sure what age your daughter is but she has no right to make you feel that way and you have nothing to apologise for, you are fleeing a dangerous controlling relationship in the safest way you can and to involve her would have made it worse for everyone. She may be upset because now she has to deal with him whereas before she perhaps saw him as your responsibility. She may resent the fact he will now lean on her and you can bet he will be playing the victim to anyone he can manipulate x

    • #124471
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Oh Catjam that’s so difficult and painful fir you to be dealing with. Leaving an abusive relationship is not something you need to apologise for. It is your abuser who should be apologising to your daughter for driving her mother away with his awful behaviour.
      Try to remember that your daughter is an adult. She is on her own path and though she may be finding this hard it is her responsibility to deal with her emotions, not yours. You have been reaching out here and elsewhere for support, if she is struggling it is up to her to do likewise. You do not have to explain or justify yourself to her, or anyone else. It is completely understandable you want her to understand and to have her support, but it sounds as though she needs to figure out her own thoughts on the matter first, and only she can do that.
      You need to focus on yourself and your own healing just now. Remember too that without you acting as a buffer all her fathers manipulation will likely be directed at her, and she may well resent you for that. That is also not your responsibility. She will have to learn to deal with him, as you did. Your daughters relationship with her father is between them, it is not for you to mediate it.
      Take very good care of yourself in all this, its such a rollercoaster. Surround yourself with those people who support you, and try to avoid the others for now. Sending a big hug xx

    • #124483
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Well done for leaving Catjam! I’m sorry you have a difficult situation with your daughter. It’s really hard, because she doesn’t understand how abuse works and what you’ve been through. I don’t know how old she is and if she’s old enough to understand. But even so, you do not need her permission to do what’s best for you and your children. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to tell her that you have put a lot of time and thought and research into it and you have done what you think is best for everyone. It may be difficult for her to see that without knowing all the detail, but you don’t want to burden her with everything. In fact, if she’s young it would be unfair to her to know all the detail and if she’s older, then she’s old enough to understand that relationships can be very complex without needing to know the detail.

      You have absolutely done the right thing. I hope you have the time and space to take care of yourself. Sending lots of love xxxxx

    • #124486
      Catjam
      Participant

      All my girls are grown up and the (detail removed by moderator). The oldest left home years ago but is definitely the one who is idolises him. It just makes me so sad.
      I think because it was never physical with him it’s not always easy for people to see. I too wondered if she was also annoyed that she would be the one who has to pick up the slack now.
      It would have been so much easier to stay with him. I lived that way for decades what’s another few

    • #124492
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Catjam,

      This is so hard and unjust but very often, the dust does settle. Hold tight on the love of your other daughters. Now is not the time for you to be dealing with anyone else’s issues. Let your daughter know that you love her and that this is not about her.

      Living with an abusive man wears you down and over the decades you lost more and more of you. Staying with him any longer would quite likely have destroyed you.

      There will be difficult times ahead but you will tackle them. I wish I could describe what it’s like being out of the clutches of a manipulative and controlling man, there’s a kind of lightness, a relief and a freedom that you may never have experienced before.

      I’m going to be honest, I’m having a hard time at the moment but I wouldn’t be back in that relationship for all the tea in China. I’m sure that you will begin to feel the same.

      Please give yourself a little time. Lean on those who are supportive and happy to be leant on and just take each moment as it comes. You can do this. xx

    • #124510
      Busyditch
      Participant

      As I am sure you know from my many posts, I left a week ago, it’s really hard but feel free to private message me anytime as we are going through similar things at the same time.

      Thinking of you.

      X

Viewing 30 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account