Its too much.

[nbumblebee]

Ive been doing so well. Been admitting and acknowledging that my husband treats me badly and trying to see its not my fault. Its been quiet here for a couple of months and whilst theres been no big flare ups theres still little tiny comments digs and moans and I still have to fight to go to work Ive said b4 i self harm occasionally and see a counsellor who has finally gotten me to talk and im remembering things from my past that I had choosen to forget. I was abused by a family member as a kid and raped by another as an adult these things never really affected my life I burried them and never spoke of them to anyone at all until now. I opened up to someone and at first he was amazing so supportive I think maybe i got a little to used to his support and hoped he would somehow save me. A year later its almost as if he doesnt want to talk anymore. I see him he is a proffessional i go to a few times a week and sometimes he will message me but his answers are always blunt sharp and its like he doesnt wanna know anymore yet he asks me if Im ok which confuses me.
Anyway im rambling Ive been doing well been standing my ground at home learning techniques so i can stay as i wont ever leave.
But today Im struggling iys all getting too much all this fighting pretending trying to love my husband when i just dont. Trying to stay calm im having to see my 2 family abusers at a family event (removed by moderator) im so scared of facing them ive seen them in tbe past a very few times but now ive opened up about what happened now im remembering things it feels worse do i sound crazy there? Ive started to use food now as a weapon again i wont allow myself to eat some days as a punishment. Im old Im not a young women my age dont do this I am pathetic really pathetic.
I feel so stuipd so alone and Im tired.
Ive tried so hard to tell myself im doing great Ive got this I am strong but in reality im not.
Im lonley really lonley Im pathetic and im a mess. Nobody can save me I have to save myself I have to get myself up and out of this bad spot but I just dont know how. I am so lucky I have so much good in my life I should be so grateful and I should be out there enjoying my older years but I just cant I just cant seem to let go.

[Gerbil]

Dear Nbumblebee
I really feel for you and can tell you are really struggling at the moment.
You are definitely NOT pathetic and you are coping with so much.
I am sorry not to write more but I have to drive now.
You have inner strength and you will find this again.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
X*x

[nbumblebee]

Thanks for taking time to replie Ive spoken to my counsellor she thinks i may have an eating disorder i am using food as another way to punish myself. I just feel so stupid ashamed alone and guilty as I know I have it so good compared to others. I need to get a grip xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely even the strongest person can only cope with so much, and you’ve got a heavy load to carry there. The self harm, the food issues are all ways your body/mind is trying to tell you things are not ok. It’s so hard to listen to that but how much more can you take? You’re not pathetic or weak in anyway, quite the opposite! Your partner should be a safe space who you could share your worries with about those family events but of course you can’t which adds to the load. I don’t know the magic answer but please try not to blame yourself.xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you x

[Anonymous]

Nbumblebee, I’ve done exactly the same things stuffed things down as a way to survive and get on with life but those things don’t stay there, they come back up cos they need to be worked on and acknowledged to be healed, I’ve also self harmed and used food as a coping strategy (eating too much to look disgusting)so that no man who hurt me in ways I didn’t want again (you know what I mean) and then I’d stop eating from being disgusted with what I’d done (sometimes make myself sick)then the cycle would continue, but it’s not our disgust and shame to own, you didn’t want what you experienced, neither did I, it wasn’t our faults, your too too beautiful a person to have all this self hate nbumblebee, what you’ve been through you may need different/additional forms of therapy, maybe speak to your dr again you may be suffering from depression (which is normal given experiences) you also need to be around/in touch with kind supportive people, also thinking your way out of things/convincing yourself your ok doesn’t work if the feelings don’t match, sending virtual hugs and healing vibes, take care hun 🤗💐🤗

[nbumblebee]

@Auriel Thank you for sharing with me means the world. I just feel such a failure so weak that at my age Im still going through this. Im ashamed I guess I thought Id be getting better but the more I open up the more I realise how broken I am. X

[Anonymous]

See it as your system’s way of letting you know it’s been hurting, it just wants you to know so it can be dealt with, I did the opposite of what I usually did and instead of ignoring the pain, I faced it and acknowledged it and it lost a lot of the power it had over me, we do everything we can sometimes to not feel pain but facing it and acknowledging it makes it easier to let it go, as for the old thing, you’ve just been holding on to things and suffering in silence for too long that’s all it is 🤗🌹💗

[nbumblebee]

@Auriel That makes sense I guess Thank you.
Ive never wanted to open it all up I was always so afraid but having my eyes opened to my husbands cruel behaviour has opened it all up too. Admitting it all actually remembering and talking about it properly just seems over welming.
Thank you for your support. Xxxxx

[Anonymous]

Your welcome nbumlebee, the dr thing was just a suggestion as in maybe they can prescribe you something for stress and things and maybe for sleep but not as a way for you to tell them of your experiences I didn’t mean that 🍀🤗💐

[nbumblebee]

Ahh Im so sorry i mis understood still am not even brave enough for that!!
Thank you so much for your time I really do appreciate it. X

[Anonymous]

💛🤗💙

[Twisted Sister]

Hello nbumblebee

You are carrying so much, and I’m so sad to hear this. You have nothing to be ashamed of, the shame is his.

I could understand you feeling ashamed if you had done bad things, but you haven’t. they have the burden of shame, and guilt, upon them. Please don’t take this on yourself.

These things you feel are only the result of others abusive treatment of you. Everyone needs to feel safe in their life – and its not relevant how their lives are in any other respect, if this one fundamental basis to their life is so horribly absent.

You need not be grateful for other matters in your life, when underneath it all is this awful abuse of you.

There is an organisation for adult sufferers of childhood abuse, so they would understand and be able to offer help, if you were feeling ready to take up some support for this?

All the things you say, and the symptoms that you describe, are the outward signs that everyone has of systematic abuse. They are not your fault, its a completely normal reaction to very abnormal behaviour.

So no, not crazy, completely normal, normal to feel this way, abnormal to be treated that way. You’ve said you no longer love this man, and thats normal too, he has no right to your love, or even your consideration. Unfortunately he is no longer even a friend, but an enemy. When you are dealing with an enemy the rules must change and protection is the priority.

What you are expecting of yourself in order to continue living in this situation is a very high ask of yourself, it would be a huge challenge for anyone to live this way, and exhaustion, illness and depression and so on would be the normal consequence of living this way for any length of time, even a short period.

Keep reaching out, and working through how his abuse, and previous abuses have caused you to turn your pain in on yourself (through eating disorder/self-punishment). Please be kind to yourself, above all else, be your own best patient, and administer all the good things you can to yourself. Try to find your enjoyments for youself wherever you can, even if its looking at little birds out the window, or hearing birdsong, or whatever it is that gives you some comfort and little pleasures in life.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Thank you @TwistedSister your words are lovley.
I will be honest im not ready to reach out to anyone someone mention seeing a dr but I cant do anything I dknt want too. Its taken me almost a year to open up a bit to my counsellor I dont want too see it I dont want to remember or believe I dont want to be a victim Id rather be to blame how crazy is that?
I pretend to be strong and happy and that my life is great but in reality I really am a mess and I cant see a way out a way through. I will try I will but right now its just all seems too much to cope with. Xxxxxx

[Darknessallaround]

Sometimes putting on the facade that we are fine and happy when we are anything but is just our mind’s way of coping. Not acknowledging the bad stuff and refusing to deal with it is easier than admitting it happened. Because admitting it means we have to face it. It’s easier to blame ourselves, when the blame, the shame, the guilt is all for the perpetrator to shoulder, not us. I get not wanting to be a victim, and would rather be seen as to blame, but you were not, are not, at fault.
You’ve taken the first step by starting to open up to your counsellor. That’s massive, please try and be a little proud of yourself for doing that.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. Its all just so hard I cant help feeling like im a freak. Im not young im old i shouldnt behave like this I should love what i have enjoy my life think of my kids my family not myself. None of this seems right, normal I just feel so stupid I just cant get it out my head that all this is wrong, im wrong.
There really is something wrong with my head please dont gwt me wrong I dont go around feeling sorry for myself i get up i work i smile i laugh but inside theres nothing. Does that sound crazy?

[gettingtired]

You’ve come a long way in a short amount of time.
You have to do things at your own pace whether that’s contacting a doctor or feeling ready to speak to your therapist about certain things. You keep that bit of control for you and don’t punish yourself for ever having a wobble. I’m trying to view it all as a continuous journey now. Everyone’s is different, we can’t compare but we will continue to support one another. You’re a wonderful person x*x

[nbumblebee]

Thanks @gettingtired I appreciate your support I really do. Big hugs xxxxxx

[Eyesopening]

I hope your ok, don’t force yourself to do anything, you are your biggest protector, protect yourself by staying away from these horrible men. I know its so hard pretending with your partner. But you will get there one day when you don’t need to pretend anymore. I know you will. When you will be free. Sending lots of love x*x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. I just posted yet another post about this. I am having to see the two family members soon and im getting really really anxious about it. I want to face them but Im worried it will make me feel worse. Xxxx

[Bettertimesahead]

What will you gain by seeing them? They are unlikely to have any remorse or regrets, those sort of people don’t. I would consider putting you first and maybe not going. If people ask just say for personal reasons you feel you are unable to go. Not sure if it’s an option ?

[nbumblebee]

@Bettertimesahead I dont think i will be forgiven if i dont go the event is a special one for my parents. Its so hard I just cant get it out my head Im so worried about seeing them so scared and then therea my husband he hates coming with me to events we never ever go he will just be (detail removed by Moderator) i know he will which will just add to my stress. The last time we went to a family thing must be (detail removed by Moderator) years ago he was horrible and when i asked him why he said he was jelous of the fact i was talking to my late teenage cousins he actually accised me of flirting with them.
Its all just gonna be horrible but if i dont go my mum will certainly make my life hell. X

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