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I lost someone special today. I feel like my whole world has caved in and i want to say it’s because the police labelled me vulnerable to abuse from *. It’s not though but I’m angry and I’m upset. I now have to live with everyone around me being a part of their lives knowing I wasn’t considered good enough to be. I have to pretend like they never were a part of my life while being tortured by stories of them. I have effectively been disconnected from every single person around me with that one decision. I dont get a say because I don’t count. I can’t stay and watch and I can’t go and this feels worse than the abuse that gave me my label.
He’s gone but I don’t feel free the stigma follows me around. I’m still living by his rules and If ‘m not having flashbacks of things I’d rather forget I’m stuck in the mindset he instilled in me. More so than ever im asked do you really think that or is it something he said and I dont know the answer to that one. I’m not sure where my thoughts end and his begin.
They warned me if he stayed i would lose everything and they were wrong I lost it all because he left. In some warped way the abuse towards me kept everybody together and now we’re all in pieces with unresolved resentments mostly towards me
He hasn’t changed hes the only thing that has not changed and strangely I miss that. I feel bad for saying it but I would go back if it put everyone back together again.
Maybe because I feel like that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe it was me all along.
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Just wanted to reach out and say this is by far the hardest part. Even more than staying living in the abuse. When I left I felt like a nuclear bomb had gone off in my life. Everything shattered to pieces. The facade of a happy marriage, the comfort of the normal (which was far from normal but all that I knew for such a long time), my life packed up into a few boxes. It was horrendous. I was elated in a lot of ways to have peace from the constant drama and emotional abuse. I’m now working through the damage that’s been caused – tending to my wounds so to speak. All I can say is that things will settle. Do what you have to to get through the day. Some days I busied myself with tidying, working and sorting, other days I paced the floors or sat staring out the window. Do the basics – look after yourself. I know that might sound dismissive of how you might be feeling right now but you’ve just got to hang tight and wait for the dust to settle. Take care and keep posting. This isn’t you. In time you’ll see. You deserve to live a life free from abuse. Reach out for any specialist support if you haven’t got it in place already xx
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I dont like this normal, I was judged for being vulnerable to abuse it didn’t count that I got out that I reported him. All it has done is put a red flag on my file and take away people that I love because it might happen again. I can’t say it won’t I dont have control over it so how am I free?
He set out to isolate me and get rid of certain people he never managed it. Yet he goes and the very thing he wanted is done by the systems meant to protect. They see vulnerable, abuse and mental health in my file and decision is made. I’m never going to escape it and How is that fair? The worst of it he predicted this.
A part of me wants to argue back if you had any idea what we got through you would not insinuate I was weak. They never knew the full picture im glad they didn’t given how they’ve reacted to what they do know. I haven’t got it in me though. I’m tired of fighting, tired of being triggered and reacting. This isn’t better it is a very different kind of hell. -
You’re not weak. I’m sorry those people who have been involved with you have left you feeling like they think that of you. You’re a survivor. Living in abuse takes strength like nothing else. Getting out takes strength. You’re anything but weak. We get that on here. Whether we’ve left or still in it. When you’re going through hell you have to keep going. Feeling like you’ve had people taken away sounds absolutely horrendous. If your ex said these things would happen it was to put fear into you, to keep you stuck. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but when we’re feeling rock bottom we can’t go any lower. Leaving means building ourselves back up little by little. Have you got support from your local domestic abuse service? I know it won’t feel like there’s much hope right now but don’t give up. You are strong. You’re on here sharing your story. Xx
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Thanks Cosmos and Hetty I needed to hear that. Stuck is how I feel.Rock bottom has a basement. I am frustrated with myself. My instincts told me that this was going to end in tears that they would say I wasn’t good enough and I was right. Everyone else saying they can’t punish you for your past. They can and they did and they will continue to do so. Theres some very happy people tonight who’ve been waiting for this and again i’d fight back but whats the point to break my own heart all over again? At the time I never thought I’d survive him and now they are the better times. Says a lot.
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Going over everything that was said the police screwed me over. I’m a risk for being at risk.
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Thanks for your reply Watersprite, I did my reaching out. I feel it makes things worse. I was up all night trying to get my head around it. It didn’t work so today’s aim will be to ensure whats going on inside does not come out as some jumbled up mess of words with a cry or scream attached.I’ve tried complaining in the past it just gets another mark on your name. X
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Hi Cal1
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.
You’ll find guidance in the Forum Guidelines and FAQ’s.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, it really is so unfair that you have had to go through this, you have done nothing wrong.
I understand if you don’t feel ready just yet to reach out for support again, but just bare in mind that if you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Do keep posting, we are all here for you.
Lisa
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Thank you Lisa
It would be so much easier to understand if I had done something wrong. Being punished for someone else’s actions just in case they do it again to me is such a bitter pill to swallow.
Its another system failure as far as I’m concerned. I cant help my situation im more restricted than most people but I dont deserve to be punished for it.
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