• This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 3 years ago by Anonymous.
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    • #123297
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Well wonderful ladies.

      I absolutely hate to admit it, but having been out of my abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator), had DA counselling and specialist rape counselling (still ongoing), I found myself unexpectedly in what felt like the beginning of a kind and loving relationship with someone I’ve known for a while. It felt safe. No pressure. And then bam, I’ve discovered – not wanting to be moderated – that not only has he “used his job” to harass women on message over the last few years and asked them to send naked pictures (which he has shown his friends) he also has a long-term girlfriend!!

      Now, I can’t lie, he did tell me he was “sort of seeing someone” but my self-esteem is obviously not where it should be and I stupidly thought I’d be ok with that. He has then made many, MANY comments that made me think he had finished things with her – I wish I could post our conversations on here! But no, through a strange coincidence with a friend of mine through her work (perhaps fate), that has been found to be rubbish.

      My problem – and I sound totally ridiculous, I know – is that a part of me just wants to put up with all this as I’m enjoying the attention, we both live alone and had formed what I thought was a bubble but obviously that’s blown to s**t now as I think he has seen her at least once (detail removed by moderator) during our time together.

      I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t, but how the hell have I allowed someone else into my life that is gaslighting and manipulating me? I want to believe that the things he has said are true but I know they’re not and that hurts so much. As I write this message, he is messaging me and I’m replying. Everything I have learnt, everything I thought I had worked through. It’s all torn to shreds.

      I need a kick up the backside, I need to know I’m not the only one that this has happened to. It’s made me hate my ex even more, that after all this time and help, the lies and lines I was fed by him and ended up with PTSD because of, have not been taken and learnt from. And my current man knows a lot of what happened with him too. These men are disgusting.

      Thanks for reading x x

    • #123301
      Sleepypigeon
      Participant

      Hi, Your absolutely not on your own. I have made this mistake also. The last was I thought perfect, but instead was the worst of all. Using all what I had told them about the past to be more sneeky and manipulative than previous. So much so I never saw it coming until it had already been happening. A lot.
      These men must have radars to seek us out. They up there game and become experts in getting around us or under our skin.
      I’m so glad u have noticed early and so sorry you have had this happen.its not you, your not stupid, just a loving person who sees the good in people and hopes like we all have that, this one is different. They lie to make us believe us. Sending hugs try not to be mad at you but instead direct that at him. But most importantly look after yourself x

    • #123312
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi Sleepypigeon, thank you so much for taking the time to reply x

      I totally understand you when you say they use what you have told them – I haven’t told my current partner (yes, I still haven’t confronted him with the evidence or walked away, I know how stupid that sounds) much of what happened with my ex but when I think back, what I did say was used to lovebomb me, as in “I would never do that” or “I’ve been there, she was horrible to me, I was on eggshells all the time, I understand”. He actually said in a message to me over the weekend something along the lines of being so loyal to his friends and people he cares about – what a joke! I feel very sorry for his “other” girlfriend too. I’ve seen pictures of them and she has a light and warmth in her eyes and he looks blank. Again, not wanting to get moderated, but there’s a bit of an age gap between me and him but she’s closer in age to him and from what I’ve heard she’s been through a lot and thinks she’s found her new start. Much like I did. And goodness knows who else there is that neither of us know about, all I’ve been told is he has a bad reputation and thinks he is the big “I am”. He told me he is shy and doesn’t like himself. Same situation that I’ve heard before, but worryingly I had no alarm bells til yesterday’s revelations.

      I am mad at him but I need to tell him it’s over in a safe and calm way for me, I don’t want to stumble over my words or be lured back in and so until I feel strong enough I’ll just stay relatively silent and play along but at a distance. I won’t see him.

      I let him in this house after I made it a safe space for me again and that hurts so much.

      Thanks again, hugs x x

    • #123321
      KIP.
      Participant

      If I was you I’d block him on absolutely everything. Refuse to answer his calls and ignore him completely. If he persists message him that you will contact the police if he persists. Not only does it give you the power back but it’s the worst thing you can do to a man like him.

    • #123331
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Hi @3Cats,

      I agree with KIP. This man has messed you about horribly when he knew you were vulnerable. You dont owe him an explanation for ending the relationship and cutting contact. Confronting him about the abuse will be both painful for you and pointless. Men like him dont change no matter what we say to them and opening a conversation with him just gives him an opportunity to manipulate you. Be kind to yourself and spare yourself that. Take care xx

    • #123336
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thanks KIP, thanks Hawthorn. You’ve both been so kind to me in the past and thank you for taking the time to reply now.

      You are both right. It’s weird to explain but it’s not him physically that I will mourn. It’s someone messaging, checking in, it’s all day every day and it feels nice – where he is finding the time for the girlfriend is beyond me! Mind, I don’t know the story, I hope she realises in time who he is too. I’ll not lie, my gut feeling was to contact her but it just opens up another can of worms and, I hate to say it, I just don’t have the emotional/mental space for that right now. Priority has to be me.

      I will just cut contact. I can’t right now as I am using something of his that needs to be dealt with and I can’t work without it but once I have my own thing back I’ll just block. He doesn’t deserve my conversation and if I’ve learnt anything from my previous relationship, conversation about these matters is pointless anyway and gets you nowhere, just potentially more manipulated x x

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