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About (detail removed by Moderator) ago I was in shock after a severely emotionally abusive incident. I was woken out of a dead sleep to be berated, accused, ridiculed and belittled then pushed to have sex while i wept. i had (detail removed by Moderator) that day and went ahead, sleep deprived and dazed, like nothing happened. he was included and everything went smoothly. He’s so great with people and charming. I have told some friends what happened and they were shocked, I regretted telling them immediately and worry theyll say something to him.. We were getting back together after repeated betrayal on his part and he was proving himself again. now the power has completely shifted. i am the bad one and i have found myself pandering to him all over again. i feel so so guilty for telling anyone what happened. i feel like ive ruined everything and he doesnt realise it yet. theres a lot of pressure from all sides and i just want to shrink. i also desperately want reassurance and affection from him-i understand this is a trauma bond but it’s how i feel. i just love him. it’s such a mess and im so annoyed with myself. i want to fix things and feel too emotionally exhausted to face living without him. (Detail removed by Moderator). i feel ridiculous and its costing me a fortune. this is why i left and ive fallen back in. feel like such an idiot and needed to vent.
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Please try to be kinder to yourself, I’ve noticed a theme on here of lots of us speaking badly about ourselves, myself included. Yet when we read other’s situations and stories we are very kind about them. I’m trying to practice self-compassion myself because being so harsh about ourselves just adds to the stress and pressure of the chaos we are already living. Instead of berating yourself for going back and people pleasing could you not recognise that actually it’s very common for women to go back and that you were just doing the best you could at the time? Maybe you’ve not managed to break free entirely but it sounds like you’ve come a long way so far and are recognising that it’s just a cycle that continues, until we leave.
Are you able to tell the people you confided in that they need to keep the information you shared confidential eg. not go and confront him themselves. This could make things worse for you.
I get upset with myself because after a bad incident if he turns nice again I find myself starting to want to do things to keep him happy etc. It’s natural though because we have learnt to walk on eggshells, to tow the line and stay under their control.
You’re not an idiot, you’re doing what many of us on here do and have done. You’re aware of your situation which is great and can hopefully continue to gain even more strength from the forum moving forward xx -
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I really appreciate you’re reply, thankyou. You’re right and I will try to work on feelings of guilt and shame. They don’t serve us but they’re so engrained. It’s a frustrating paradox, even more so when you’re aware of what youre doing. He is enjoying almost servile treatment and lots of affection and submission at the moment. It’s not how I see myself and I think the lack of self respect is what I feel worst about. My body is open to criticism and to being used and my mind is never stimulated. I’m going to try to resist the urge to please for a few days and see some friends. Perspective and contrast helped me get out last time. Anyway, it’s an awful cycle and I’m aware that I have the advantage of no kids/legal ties. I can’t imagine how much more complex things are when these things are factored in. I really hope you are safe and well and I appreciate the support and input more than I can express. It’s so lonely. I think I’ve managed to get my friends to hold off although interestingly he has started messaging some of them too to ask for (detail removed by moderator) etc. More manipulation i suspect. Sending love and solidarity. I really want a different reality. I just wish it was possible to make it happen with him. xx
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I’m also pretty convinced he is seeing other people after his outburst and the suspicion is killing me. im not in a position to confront. another layer of anguish i need to escape desperately. ive never put up with this with anyone else. x
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Hi Pris,
I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through.I really resonate with what you’re sharing here and I’m sure so do lots of women reading.
I hope you can be gentler on yourself and let go of some of the anger you’re turning inward. It sounds like your situation is difficult enough without it. More than anything right now it sounds like compassion and care is what you need.
I don’t know if it helps for me to say about why I told people what was going on even in the midst of it and regretted it like you say. I now know in retrospect that I was telling people because I was tired of living two different lives and pretending that everything was ok. It might be part of your journey in being honest with yourself by telling people.
It’s so so normal to feel as conflicted as you’re describing and you will find your way through this at your pace. I’m sorry you’re feeling a lot of pressure from every angle – I hope you can continue talking to anyone who doesn’t tell you what to do or judge. If not this is what the forum is for!
Stay safe in the meantime and I hope you’re feeling ok. Maybe try telling yourself you will find the energy when you’re ready to do whatever it is you need. You won’t feel trapped forever! You’re strong and you’ll figure this out. Big hugs
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i resonate with this too…i think telling people and talking about whats really happening is the beginning of not putting up with this treatment…at least that’s how it was for me although it still took me years..be very very careful who you talk to…i kept secrets for years then lost it and made the mistake of telling everybody because i had to let it out…drank to deal with emotions and literally told complete strangers the first time i met them and it has been twisted and used against me by many people and attracts more evil into your life as they know you are an easy target…i feel i’ve completely let this ruin my life…so many wasted opportunities….every day i put up with that treatment i have lost forever and it has affected my present and future forever…every day i allowed him to treat me that way i damaged myself more and i am angry with myself for that…he at least agreed that he was very abusive but told me it’s my fault because i let him…well i don’t really agree with that but he has a point…of course he has a point and i do still love him but i will never let him treat me like that again and he will if i ever give him the opportunity…he is too scared of me now to come anywhere near me and so are my other abusers…i would never harm him but i hope i’ve given him and everyone else that impression so they will not be coming anywhere near me anytime soon. i still miss him and my abusive family every single day even tho it’s been years and i am still miserable some days where i can’t stop thinking about what’s happened but i am so much happier now i am not in an abusive situation..i can actually think and develop my own ideas and beliefs and i actually do have days when i’m happy and i can do what i want when i want be ill in peace…life is actually the best for me that it’s ever been and i could not ever imagine being happy to be single….now it really is a blessing and i consider myself extremly fortunate that i know i’m ok on my own…my biggest fear came true and i’m ok…i lost my home i have no job but i’m ok…i have no family or children or partner but i’m ok…i’m not well but i’m ok and i’m better 100x better on my own than with an abuser and i know this now and hopefully will never forget it
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Thankyou for replying and confiding your feelings and experiences. I really appreciate hearing similar stories (I can relate to health issues that are either ignored or exacerbated by an abusive/neglectful partner). I have been quiet for a few days because I’ve felt so stuck and conflicted. I was (detail removed by moderator) by a new friend (detail removed by moderator) and it floored me because he was so complimentary and generous. He (detail removed by moderator) and talked about how lucky he felt to know me. He was just so kind. The contrast with my partner made me kind of sad and awkward and I instantly worried about what he would think…this was never something I’d have worried about previously. I’d be celebrating a new connection and my first instinct was to strategise how to distance myself to avoid trouble…a light bulb has gone off. I don’t want to live life muted like this. I love my partner obsessively and completely but I feel worthless and on edge. I have no idea where the next crisis or conflict will come from and I feel like I’m shrinking. I have no idea how to mentally shift but I think I’ve recognised that I have to now. Thankyou for helping me get over that step. I really hope we all find a way out somehow. Sending love and support and here if you wish to share x*x
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Hey,
I left and went back five times!! Hoping each and every time he would get better, get help, change. My friends and family couldn’t understand why. He would promise me the dream and I’d fall for it. It was only a month ago I left for the last time and I still miss him. I type texts but delete them. I’m growing ever stronger. It’s a process and you will leave when you are ready. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve got this. Be strong. X
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