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Hi all. I’ve not been here for a while. I’ve felt very low, scared me in fact, thoughts I’d be troubling anyone, what have I got to say, etc. I’ve even fejt like I’m not part of this world very crazy weird feelings. My gp put the phone down on me twice. Not helped. I’ve sought private gp help but can’t sustain that forever. Already feeling a little better. But was triggered this evening. I have a history of lifetime abuse. My mum left me when I was (detail removed by Moderator). My dad raised me. Lots of abuse. Then the worst abuse was when I lived with my mum age (detail removed by Moderator). My brother beat me regularly, sexually abused me, mu physically and emotionally abused and neglected daily, etc. Her friends, a married couple, also sa me. I told her but she did nothing. Anyhow I limit communication, or try to. But she’s been ringing, I’ve been ignoring, then she obviously had got my (detail removed by Moderator) to ring me, lest a voicenessage. It took me back to age (detail removed by Moderator), when I was going through hell, wanted to end my life, and the (detail removed by Moderator) barged into my room telling me all the bad things I am, to my mum, always will be, etc. , I’ve been trying very hard to stay well. They’ve no idea I’m off work unwell, they dont ask how am I, well, unwell, at work, at home, on days, on nights, in bed. I just get the abusive messages demabdibg I go care for mum. She lives in a 24/7 care assisted place, carers go in (detail removed by Moderator) times a day, the messafe says the gp has done a prescription for pain, they trying to get that prescription. My mum pushed me out git all her family and carers in place. And there is nothi g I can do on a Saturday night. I’m certain mum is a bsrcassust, it’ll be her attention need at work. It’s a system of events, patterns of behaviour that happens. I’d told my (detail removed by Moderator) years ago when she was abusive on the phone, to never call me again. I’m still in this safe house to be safe from life threats, from my abusive ex. I’ve had a lot and trying hard to stay well. It’s tool me back to all the abuse and its so silly I’m the adult and it was just a voicemail making demands. Thanks for listening, feeling silly. Hope all are doing OK xx
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It doesn’t matter if its words in person or voicemail Ali if they are abuse or triggering that can set you back triggers are terrible things it’s like reliving again and again I don’t know what ares you live in but where we are we can get referred to something called trauma therapy they give you tips on how to deal with triggers and fears and things , also phoning the n.a.p.a.c they’re call handlers and abuse survivors who are there for people who have been abused in childhood and who’ve been in domestic abuse situations , you can’t deal with feeling like this on your own , well you don’t have to ( if you know what I mean 🌼🌸🌼
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Hiya. Sorry you’re going through this. Have you ever heard of ACOA? It stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics (and disfunctional families). There is likely to be a group near you or an online one you could attend. Their online resources are helpful too. Might be worth a shot. It would give you a safe place to talk with other people who have worked through similar traumas and found ways of dealing with it. Identification with others can be very helpful. GPs don’t / can’t all understand the soul-sucking rumination and undeserved shame that survivors of this kind of abuse can be left with.
Hope today is a better one for you.
GR
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Aliendoe I know it’s a really hard thing to do and I know from personal experience, but going no contact may be a start to your help ng I know family disconnection is still a bit of a taboo but I had to do it for my health my wellbeing and self esteem it’s still a little awkward to explain to dr and nurses when I’m in hospital and they ask about family but hun i feel so much freer since, stay centred, stay focused and stay present, all feelings pass( as you know) 😗🌸💛
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Greyrock I might get in touch with them as well , I wish there was a women’s aid building where people that have been though d.v could go and just meet up but mine are miles away, I get so paranoid to connect with people cos I know 100% members of my family, an in law and ex’s will try and sabotage it ( there is true evil in my family) , they’ve been doing it for years and have lots of ‘flying monkeys”dotted about.x x x I hope Alidoe reads these soon to know just how supported she is and also hope your all ok too😙
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I can hear that you’re struggling and I’m not surprised it all sounds horrendous. I think it’s important for you to keep posting and to be amongst people that understand, because others just don’t get it.
You said you feel like your out of this world and weird feelings, I get that. When I’m struggling it feels like I’m not part of the world too, it’s almost as if how dare the world keeps turning when I’m going through this. It’s souls destroying and isolating. Know that your feelings are valid and are real, try and keep grounding yourself when you can.
You’re stronger than you realise. Keep posting x
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Morning. I’m down to start the Women’s Aid Freedom Program in September. This is exactly that. A small group of survivors getting stronger together with Women’s Aid guiding us through that recovery. Sounds like it might be a good thing to ask for.
Prayers for some serenity for all of us today 🙏🌈
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Grey rock freedom is amazing it’s how I found out my upbringing and relationships were abuse , some things were hard to listen to and I nearly started bawling but I know for sure you won’t regret going to it,
good luck ⭐️⭐️⭐️ -
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It will greyrock some of the topics are hard to listen to but ultimately it is empowering and eye opening , good luck with it hun 💜💝💜
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Hi all i just wrote a long reply but it got lost. Thank you so so much for all your help, care advice. Truly, thank you. I’m booked onto the freedom programme but it’s not til January, an evening class. I could maybe start the Sept class L but that would mean I’d have to tell my employers of the abuse and trauma, and I know it would mess my mind daytime in work hours, to relive and see what the ex actually was and did. It’s a bit like a hitchcock movie where the screen zooms in quickly, reality hit, realisation, the terror that was and is. I do need to get stronger, build resilience. I blocked the aunt from contacting me. I also blocked mum, this felt hard. Feels mean even. But I know I’m doing it to keep me well, I’m too vulnerable atm and coukf just nosedive. I want to be safe and well. I told myself I can unblock her later when I’m stronger. I tell myself if she was the mum that loved and cared, she’d want be to stay and be well and protect myself. Today I’ve had two blocked calls. Unsure if it’s the aunt or mum or both. But it feels mean blocking mum. Goes against my nature, but I guess she knows that hence it’s a weak spot for her to exploit. The care facility would contact me if anything serious. But just the blocked calls and my stomach went into imediate churn mode, nauseous, etc. I rang napac but they made me feel more alone. I’d explained. The person then was using distraction techniques, go do something nice, paint the sky yellow or something, which did not take away or validate any of what has happened or of my feelings, including guilt for blocking mum. Did their best in their job, but it is only their job isnt it, they’re not truly going to care or want to be in my shoes for a moment to help me. And that feels selfish if Id expected them to do that. I dont want to affect or trouble anyone. Thanks so so so so much everyone fur your care, kindness, support, advice, listening, being here. I hope all are OK. My heart with all. Thank you xxxxx I apologise if any typo errors, I’m just going to post before I lose this post too. Thank you xxxxxxx
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Sending hugs.
One book I’d recommend you look at is called Out Of The Fog. (F.O.G. stands for Fear Obligation and Guilt). It takes time and a lot of work to break the trauma bonds that are still there even once we’ve been away from our abusers for some time. They do go though. Gradually.
Would it be such a bad thing for your employers to know what has happened? You wouldn’t need to go into detail necessarily. My employers were very supportive, but I know I would have kept things secret if I could and I think that would have been harder for me in the long run. I only told them because the police said it was important to in case he turned up there when they couldn’t find him one time.
GR
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