I've finally woken up

[Eggshells]

After thinking I could carry on with my ex as (detail removed by moderator) I’ve finally realised how deluded I have been.

I’ve been totally shafted over by (detail removed by moderator) and I can hear my ex’s words in their excuses. I put my trust in them to behave fairly and responsibly and they’ve broken that trust.

It will ruin my career, my pension, my entire financial security for the rest of my life but I have to go.

When I’m wishing that I could walk out into the cold, dark sea and just keep going and going until I can’t swim anymore, I have to conclude that it’s just not worth it.

I’ll be checking with my union to see if they think I have a case for constructive dismissal.

Another sleepless night ahead, thank god. Sleep will only bring more nightmares.

[Eggshells]

Any words of comfort greatly appreciated. My sister as ever is being fantastic. She’s sympathetic and empathic but I don’t think she can really know the all the complexities of my feelings right now.

I feel stupid for being such a naive idiot, hurt, angry, mistrustful, stressed, let down. It’s so unjust; we live in a world where the victims of abuse lose over and over and over again and the abusers just keep getting away with it. I want to cry but I can’t. The tears just won’t come.

[fizzylem]

Hi Eggshells, I can relate in a way, I trusted my (detail removed by moderator) to be objective, despite my complaint being (detail removed by moderator), who was also her friend. I got shafted too. Was at the same time I was going through the peak of the abuse with him, so I just couldn’t fight it, decided to let it go, and ended my (detail removed by moderator). I needed time out massively for a number of reasons. Haven’t worked since. Still dealing with and fighting him, to try and get away, to try and have mine and my child’s rights respected and uphelp, the right to a normal, peaceful life. But letting go of my career definately suited me.

I think it comes down to this; look around, we’re all fighting for something, me too, DA, black lives, our rights, climate change, poverty, health, there is so much not right in the world, feels like we’re going to implode any day soon to me because there are so many fights, means we have to pick our battles, but if you do choose one to fight, make sure you have a pretty good idea you can win it, and don’t ever try to fight a system, because you will never win here, for this we need solidarity, a group, like WA, join the cause and stand togther in the fight instead for this kind of fight, because it’s the only real way to be heard and bring about change. A good question to ask is can I control or influence this, how? But if the answer is no then walk away.

Battles are exhausting, and sometimes we might feel at the start bring it on, but if they go on for too long it becomes what life has become, and we lose staminer.

I guess if you want this career then if it were me I’d fight on, but sometimes these things have a good way of showing us what we really want too; for me, I felt I was ready for a change; I liked my role and I found it rewarding yes, but it wasn’t really what I wanted to be doing, I fell into it really and built something. I didn’t want the responsibility anymore either. I’m glad I did it, I have no regret there, but I can see now it was good for me to go when I did. Because it was stopping me getting to where I really want to be. I also discovered that I am happy with ‘enough’ money, and I don’t actually need any more; and this took the pressure off massively, it gave me space and time – which I value greatly. More so than any holiday, clothes, shoes or car.

I measure my success these days in the folk around me, the love and relationships I have; it’s present when my child is thriving or when we feel close because she’s let me in to help, and when I feel fit and well, have eaten healthily and exercised all week. When I’ve meditated and been kind and helpful to others, and its in the work I now do, if I enjoyed it then it was worth it; if it’s stretched me creatively, if I leant something, if I made it or of it left me feeling satisfied – same.

Guess when we stop, I mean really stop, as this is rare, and we dig deep and ask what is it I really want, not many people can answer this, and those that do a lot of these people don’t go for what it is they really want either, because we fall back into distractions or lose focus.

It’s not easy deciding how you want it to be and getting this, in fact its really hard, but it is do able and when a person gets this, gets all or most of these boxes ticked, it’s truly fulfilling; it’s sad really because there are way less people that get this and far more people living unfulfilled isn’t there really; I think a big contributing factor is the oppression everywhere, because it blocks people from reaching their potential.

Fighting for anything rarely helps with finding fulfillment, it’s an internal resolve we need really, and this can be found in a number ways. Fighting anything is usually a side step, an obstacle, time spent elsewhere; staying in an unfulfilling relationship is another example.

Fights are great when you win, if it helps you get what you want and need yes; but you can also often get what you want and need in other ways as well.

You can choose to fight or spend your time elsewhere I guess.

Do you have the friendships you want? If not then it’s about taking steps to get this right, this alone can take years to reach, likely means letting go of some dead wood and def any that don’t leave you feeling anything but your best and true self all of the time; do you have the work you really want? Do you live where you want to live? Do you spend every day how you want to spend it – lots to get right isn’t there, lots of time, effort and work, after you’ve decided what it is you really want too of course. Ask anyone what is you really want, how would you like your life to look / be? And not many folk will be able to answer or they may say just to be happy, but to be happy is to feel good about friends, family, work, home and so on, its like lots of bits of happy coming together really isn’t it; will always require some work and attention to restore balance even once you get there.

Seems to me what has happened here has brought you to a cross roads, and that its an opportunity for you to have a good look at these roads to decide which once you really want to take; what you dont want to do is take another side step hey, the wrong lane or the long way round. Would be good if it felt right, 100% – for you.

I’m tired. I have no desire to fight ever again after the battle is over with him and we are finally free to walk away, its possible justice will also be served, and this would be good for sure, but it’s really not essential – won’t stop me living my best life, he’s doing that now and has done so for long enough, so I’ll be dammed if I let this continue afterwards.

I think learning when to let go is up there as one of the most valuable lessons learned; because its so very helpful to us, the ability to recognise when it’s time to let go to clear the way for the next and for better, it’s the gateway to happiness really; when we hold on and keep going sometimes, it only leads us into yet more hardship, misery and pain. I’m too long in the tooth these days, I’ve fought for something too many times, I simply don’t want another fight; I kind of accept that the world is unjust, so now I try to lye low and avoid trouble, enjoy the present, and those people and the stuff that matters to me. You kind of can’t fully emmerse in this when in a fight.

I think it would serve you well to have a think about what is it I really want here. Would you be fighting for justice? Is that what is most important to you here? Or would you rather work at getting life how you want it to be instead? Would you be fighting for your career, is this important enough? Is this what you really want? Is there another way to get your career back on track? An easier way? A way you can not see yet? Because you are yet to gather all the information you need? You’ve heard the saying the best form of revenge is success right? It’s true.

I’ve taken fights on believing I had no choice, but when we stop and think about it, there is always a choice isn’t there, may feel like a tough choice sometimes, or limited, termination would be one example, but we can always choose how we respond to it whatever it is. Being innocent and charged, or forced into court, this is a fight that leaves us with little choice, but even in these examples, you can choose how to respond or how to fight it or not to fight at all hey. Obs most fight in these cases, but some people don’t, they give in to it and submit because that becomes what is right for them.

I think because you have stopped to think and post about this it tells us you’re weighing it up – you can see you are at a cross roads and have choices, you’re thinking is it worth it, is it what I really want?

Def speak to the rep, explore it, and gather info, it’s always good to find out, but even if the rep fires you up and says yes I think you’ve got a strong case, it would be best to pause and consider do I really want this for the next year or so, could likely be even longer hey, any battle involving the legal system will cost in time, mental health and other ways.

Is this the life you want for the next few years? Or do you want to draw a line and take back your life in new and other ways? You will make it come good won’t you, but will this be next or after this? Because that’s what your choosing really here isn’t it x

[Eggshells]

There’s lots to mull over here, thank you fizzylem. I honestly don’t really know what I want to do but I’m fairly sure that I can’t work with him any more. This has to stop. I’m worried about my financial security hence the constructive dismissal route. If I can’t afford petrol to go and visit my children, that will be hell for me. I’ll wait and see what the union says and I’ll have think. xx

[fizzylem]

You sound scared to let go but also feel this is needed; I think there is your answer. Time to look around at what else you can do. If having the petrol money to go and see your children is important then you will make sure you have this covered, whatever you do. I did have quite a bit saved when I dropped work, I realise we all have different financial situations, course. But that money has long since gone now, but I have all that I need and we don’t go without. I will need to work again soon, but I will be working for myself in a different field entirely, the one I have chosen and the way I want to spend my days. Figure if we can get by now, then any extra is extra right? And this will be for holidays and savings. Can be done Eggshells, when we let go of the fear and put our faith in the self. I can’t begin to imagine what it is like to work with him every day and to feel pushed out as well, but sounds incredibly toxic and damaging. I’m not sure you can really start to heal until you get away from him, you’re in a similar sitution to me in that way, got to get to the point where you’re free and can leave him behind x

[Eggshells]

Bit by bit I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I need to leave the job that I love. He has used others as his flying monkeys and they didn’t even know. They do know now! But I am beginning to accept that even if he finds someone else to abuse, he will still keep abusing me for as long as I have contact with him. He will never be able to stop himself, even when it leads to him exposing his behaviour to others. He’s so set in his ways that he doesn’t see that others will assess his behaviour as wrong.

I’m going through a process now that will, almost inevitably, end in my resignation but I have to go through the process first to ensure that I protect myself as much as I can.

Just taking it one day at a time now. xx

[Hazydayz]

Hi Eggshells. Hope your days are better ones, these last few days…

[Anonymous]

Ah yes, the saboteur! Yes, yes, he will continue until he sees it’s not working on you anymore. No contact really is best. Their little egos just have to do this, tear someone down so they look good kind of thing. Disgusting really. Highly annoying and destructive. They just walk through life like a wrecking ball.

I’m so sorry…….I guess there is no way you can avoid resigning, huh? I had this happen to me by one man in particular. He stuck his nose in everywhere, sabotaging me, character assassination, etc. Interestingly enough alot of people joined his bandwagon. I told them what was what. They didn’t listen because don’t forget how charming and persuasive they can be. At the end of the day they all saw it, many apologized to me for it later and how could they be so blind, etc? One guy cried because he actually broke up their marriage, Was his best friend…I’m like well, don’t feel alone here. I was blind as well but do wish you hadn’t ganged up on me like you did. I forgave them but they were off my list as friends.

It’s just the fallout of being around these people. And like so many writers will say, when involved with a personality like this best advice is to Run!! Too true.

Glad you are seeing things, and have a good head on your shoulders. It’s just hurtful, really is. But no, you can’t have them on your dance card anymore.

[Author]

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