7th August 2019 at 11:53 am #85209
I left (detail removed by moderator). Packed up my car, dropped the dog to his mums house and left. I feel numb. Ive also been rumbled thanks to (detail removed by moderator) and now he keeps ringing and messaging me.
I wrote him a letter explaining why i had to leave but i dont know if i should text him.
What should i do?
7th August 2019 at 12:09 pm #85213[email protected]Participant
just text – there is a letter to read in the house for you. from now on you will be hearing from me through a third party and my solicitor. i would ask that you dont keep calling and texting now thank you. id now change your number or block him. this seems harsh but this is the only way youll start to recover. otherwise if you maintain the communication he will use lots off tactics from suicide – to crying hysterically- to being very angry demanding you come back. dont fall into this he might even love bomb you to hoover you back. he is a grown man he should be able to stand on his own two feet (you will) so inevitably so can he this is his responsibility not yours keep tel.ling yourself that. if he hadnt been abusive you would be there its all on him. dont look back do everything you can to stay busy – book a therapist and tap into all the good support around you xxxx well done youve been so so brave which shows you can do this 🙂 much love diymum
7th August 2019 at 12:14 pm #85214ScarecrowParticipant
Well done marmaladechamp, it’s one of the hardest things to do, but you did it anyway!
I totally agree with what [email protected] has said, keep the contact to an absolute minimum. I can’t as we have a child but if you have nothing tying you together in that way then don’t let him use the contact to try and make you change your mind.
Stay strong, this part is the hardest as you will possibly start to doubt yourself and remember the good times and start to forget the bad.
Keep posting on here, you can do it x
7th August 2019 at 12:15 pm #85216TiffanyParticipant
Maybe turn your phone off for a bit? Don’t reply to him anyway. I am guessing that you put some thought into the letter and what and how you wanted to say things. He can read it when he gets home. It is not going to change anything if he has to wait until then. And you were probably clearer in your letter than you can be while being bombarded by text messages. I know this feels cruel – but it was the only option in the face of his cruelty.
Try and focus on yourself and your needs. Even if that is just making yourself a nice cup of tea. I am not sure where you are, but if you are in your own space somewhere could you unpack some of your things and make the place look homely?
Distraction is good at this stage too. I bought a colouring book and did a lot of colouring in. But any hobby is good. It could be as basic as watching a favourite TV show. Or a craft activity like knitting or sewing. Or cooking. Or doing your hair. Just anything to keep your mind and hands busy.
You survived the abuse, you can survive this too.
7th August 2019 at 12:18 pm #85218
Ive blocked him and his brother because they both keep messaging and ringing me. He knows now something is up. Im just sat in my car crying, I feel like the worst person in the world.
7th August 2019 at 12:19 pm #85219MovingonandonParticipant
Hi and well done for getting out. I sent a simple text along the lines of explaining that I would not be home when he arrives. And that I will arrange a third party as forms of communication regarding our children. I also added that I did not want him to call or text. I then changed my number. If you tell your phone provider you are being harrassed there will be no charge. I also added my email adress to the text, but unfortunately he used that as a form of communication to threaten me further (which helped during police investigations but was very distressing). Contact your local womens domestic abuse team. And womansaid maybe able to point in you in the right direction. These next few days will be high in emotion so I would recommend having support around you. All the best x
7th August 2019 at 12:21 pm #85221[email protected]Participant
have a look at trauma b onding when you get time – its better to be clued up now than when this comes over you. trauma bonding feels like intense withdrawal – this is purely hormones released due to the trauma (oxytocin)you might yearn for him as above and be tempted to go back (i did) but hold in there this does pass. i felt personally once i felt anger kicking in those feelings of yearning went. they can come and go its abit like a see saw effect. when you feel this yearning stay busy talk about how your feeling and try to ground yourself. some women write all the bad stuff he did (when were ready) to remind us when the good times creep into our heads. keep going this is your freedom – its yours xxxx
7th August 2019 at 12:26 pm #85224BeautyMarkedParticipant
Really well done to you Champ x
This must have been so hard for you but you’ve been so strong. You’ve done the right thing in every way. Have no more contact with him or his brother. You are right to block them. You are not the worst person. It will feel like it but you are not. Just remember that he did this. He made you go because of his abuse. That is not your fault. It’s his. He will make you feel like it because that’s all he’s got. He’s panicking because he’s lost control and he may use his brother as a ‘flying monkey’ to lure you back in but you’ve blocked so that shouldn’t happen. Be strong. Stand firm and resolved. Focus on yourself and what you need because he didn’t. It’s ok to cry. You’ve just made a big step by freeing yourself. If he tries to contact in any way (including through his brother) just firmly remind him you want no more contact x
7th August 2019 at 12:38 pm #85227HunkyDoryParticipant
Well done marmaladechamp. The coming days will be hard but try your best to have no contact. As DIYMum said if you must just a short text to say there is a letter at home and then go no contact. You will feel awful and cruel – I did because since I read up on trauma bonding this is what I am experiencing. I have had no contact at all for a number of days now and you will find you’ll start to feel stronger and start listening to your own voice of reason that it is the right thing to do. Look after yourself, don’t beat yourself up – he caused this, not you. You had no choice to do what you did. Keep posting and let us know how you’re doing xx
7th August 2019 at 12:39 pm #85229AlwaysSorryParticipant
Hi there and well done for getting away x
I just wanted to let you know that if you do send a text to him, make it absolutely clear that you wish for him and his family to stop contacting you or you will report it to the police as harassment. I’m afraid it has to be made clear if you ever needed to go down the harassment route with the police. If you send any subsequent texts after telling him that, the police will likely view that as you encouraging the contact even if it is to just repeat yourself. Say it firmly and say it once. That’s only if he starts contacting you via other means as I hope you will feel strong enough to keep him blocked. If there is nothing tieing you to him any longer, then there is no need for any further communication not even via third party. You do not owe him anything. Anyone is free to leave a relationship whenever they want and this was an abusive one so you had all the more reason to go. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about.
It’s a very good idea to make a list about all the abusive things he did to you when you feel ready. Write it however you want, in full sentences or bullet points and include how the behaviour made you feel. It helps to remind us why we need to stay away when the trauma bond may be dragging us back to them. This is the hardest part and it will get easier, so be kind to yourself, know you’ve done nothing wrong, post here as much as you need to and stay safe x
7th August 2019 at 12:43 pm #85231KIP.Participant
Well done. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Well done for blocking him and his brother too. Next step is to change your number but please do not reply at all to anything he sends. Even a simple text back is a hook he will use. I wouldn’t even have left a letter. He knows exactly why you’ve left and any tears are because he’s lost his verbal and physical punch bag. He’s lost his power and control. He’s lost his toy that he used to make himself feel big. He chose to behave that way and no amount of you feeling guilty and bad will change that fact. Think about a friend in your position, would you think she’s guilty or a bad person. No way. It’s self preservation now. Only look forward. The pain will pass and the fog will lift and you will wonder what the hell you ever saw in him and just why you stayed as long as you did x
7th August 2019 at 1:54 pm #85242FudgecakeParticipant
Sending you hugs and positive thoughts as today will feel traumatic for you. Rest assured you did the right thing. The decision you took to go will not have been taken lightly. You left to survive and well done to you. You will be trauma bonded to him so read up about this and above all remain no contact. Even now, I don’t feel I could trust my actions if contact was re established. No contact is the only way to stay safe, sane and free from their manipulation as they know our buttons to press.
Thinking of you on the first day of the rest of your life.
Well done and stay strong x
7th August 2019 at 2:45 pm #85244
When does it start to get easier? He knows now, they all do. He has read my letrer too. (detail removed by moderator). She was so lovely to me, his whole family were and now ive just devastated them all.
7th August 2019 at 3:09 pm #85246AlwaysSorryParticipant
You have hurt no one. You left an abusive man. He has let them down.
It will take time but for your sanity, I would block them all. I think he is using his family to make you feel guilty. A normal person wouldn’t have various family members message the person who has just left them.
Once you have no contact whatsoever from him or anyone speaking on his behalf including what may be lovely family members of his, it gets easier. You will have been taught to think of him and his needs all the time and now that you are out, it’s very hard to shift that focus onto yourself. Be kind with yourself, remind yourself you are not to blame for anything, that you are doing this as it’s the best thing for you and it’s absolutely ok to do what is best for you, you do not owe him anything. Try and do something nice for you. If you have a close friend or family member, maybe they can spend some time with you. It’s a rollercoaster ride and it will hurt, but with no contact and time it really will get easier xx
Sending you big hugs x
7th August 2019 at 3:16 pm #85247ScapegoatParticipant
Marmalade champ…well done, what you have done is so brave and takes a lot of guts and courage. I wish I had your strength. You haven’t devastated anyone, he is responsible for that for treating you badly and as a result you have had to suffer by walking away from your dog, home etc. I agree with everyone else do not contact him as he will just put you on a guilt trip ( and you already sound like you’re blaming yourself and you are NOT at fault) I have sadly discovered that after (detail removed by moderator) years it’s just the same old s**t and it will never change. Yes there are good times but these are very far and few and I can never completely relax. What you have done is incredibly strong and nothing short of what you deserve.xx
7th August 2019 at 6:17 pm #85257HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Well done Marmaladechamp!
I agree with above advice, surround yourself with people to support you, keep busy preparing your new home&life, stay absolutely no contact with him and his entire family and friends, social circle. That means do not even read what he sends. Do Not contact or reply to any of them. He is now dead meat. He knows exactly why you left. He knows he’s abusive.
Stay no contact for your own health and sanity, especially important the first few days.
Contact Women’s Aid to let them know you are out and ask for further advice, they will keep your safety in mind first and foremost.
Yes absolutely read up about trauma bonding and the five stages of grief before it hammers down on you. When you are aware of it you at least won’t be surprise about how you feel. Knowledge is power.
Keep posting to let out how you feel, and for now enjoy your new found freedom yes! 👍
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