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    • #119096
      outdoorsymum
      Participant

      Hi everyone,
      I am new to forum and looking for a little bit of help. I recently left an abusive relationship of (detail removed by Moderator) years. It was mainly psychological abuse but he also assaulted and raped me on several occasions. We have a young child together and I mainly decided to leave him because I could see it was affecting her witnessing it all. At the start of last year I knew I had to leave but couldn’t bring myself to do it as he had me so convinced that I would not survive on my own, that I would ruin my daughter’s life, that he would take my daughter away from me, that no one else would want me etc. In a moment of desperation I reached out to the police non emergency website. They called me back the next day and asked me to come in and speak with an officer. He was wonderful and made me realise just how bad things had become and helped me to find the strength to do what I needed to do. Fast forward through lock down and a hideous few months I found somewhere for me and my daughter to live. We moved out (detail removed by Moderator).

      Both of us are so much happier now we are out of there but he is still trying his best to manipulate me, control me and put me down. The main thing is that he pushing to have more and more time with my daughter. He never showed any interest in spending time with her when we lived there and he has admitted to me in an argument that his primary reason for pushing to have her half the time is just to take her away from me and so that he doesn’t have to pay me as much in maintenance. At present he has her to stay (detail removed by Moderator) weekend and over for tea (detail removed by Moderator) in the week. He is still fighting me to have her more. We are currently going through mediation and he is threatening to take me to court.

      Does anyone else have experience with an ex pushing for a 50/50 custody split? He works full time and would be taking her away from me to stick her nursery which I just find totally outrageous. I work part time and fit my hours in around when he has her currently. I can’t see that any court would side with him on a 50/50 split when she would end up in child care all the time? From the day she was born I was her primary carer and he played a minimal role. I went back to work for the first time since her birth early (detail removed by Moderator).

      I have actually started seeing someone else – a friend I have known for a while who was so amazingly supportive when I was leaving/moving etc and its just developed into more. He is really kind to me and my daughter and we are so happy to have him around. Obviously my ex is fuming about this is constantly sending me abusive messages about it and threatening to take my daughter from me if I don’t break up with my new partner.

      A while ago I ended up contacting the police again as he was being really threatening and aggressive whenever I saw him to swap our daughter over. A different police officer has advised me to take out a non molestation order against him. Has anyone else done this? Can anyone offer advice on it at all please?

      I have some serious concerns about the way he cares for my daughter when she is with him and have tried to get help from health visitor and social services with this and they have largely fobbed me off. Is there anything I can do to ensure he is actually carting for her properly when she is there?

      Can anyone offer advice on how to manage the stress of constant abusive messages and attempts to control you still? I am really struggling with the fact that I will never truly be free of him as we will always have to have contact due to our daughter.

      If you have read this far then thank you!! I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and any advice you can offer will be hugely appreciated xx

    • #119103
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, start by keeping all the evidence of his abuse and controlling behaviour. Use a third party for all contact and I’d also report the rapes and abuse to the police. Get support from women’s aid. They will tell you never to do mediation with an abuser. I’d you don’t have a third party who can act as a go between then only communicate via email. That way you have a record of his threatening behaviour. Are you the primary carer? Do you have something legal in place yet?

    • #119120
      Empoweredhealing
      Participant

      A non-molestation order is a great start. I never had to get one but I would in a heartbeat if my ex abused me (after breakup) the way yours is. This will support your account of abuse and might even deter him from some of his worse behaviors.
      By the way, you are so strong for having gotten away from him. He sounds absolutely terrible and dangerous.

    • #119260
      ultimatelyStrong
      Participant

      Try not to worry about the prospect of 50/50. It’s really not in your child’s best interests when there’s so much animosity between you and the courts don’t do shared care unless parents are able to communicate openly and without fear.

      As the other comments have said, keep a record of everything. Don’t be complacent about this. And a third party is great if you can because he will not like it and will show himself up.

      To be honest that message where he threatens to take your child if you don’t break up is enough to stop contact altogether. Let him apply to the court if he wants to and if he kicks off makes sure its all recorded one way or another. Avoid phone calls because it’s hard to record those. If he comes to the house kicking off call the police. And report the rapes and anything else you can think of. You don’t have to press charges but it’s good to have things on record.

      You have the power to stop him controlling you, and with everything you said it doesn’t seem like it would be very hard to put a stop to it. Just be strong!

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