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It’s not that I am necessarily “happy” but I feel guilty making decisions just for me when I have walked out and left a trail of destruction behind me.
The chaos of Christmas made me feel so relieved not to be there – our adult children were with him – and an incident within his family, which initially induced guilt for not being there to “support”, turned quickly, again, to relief, that I wasn’t mixed up in it. Let them flounder in their toxicity without me.The guilt I feel is to do with me thinking about me. Planning my week to suit me, having no obligation to anyone else. I feel that I have walked away from my responsibilities and am now being utterly selfish. My therapist said to me “you have just spent 40 minutes talking about your children, you are not abandoning your responsibilities as a mother… and you are not responsible for Him”
That’s true. I know. But it feels so bizarre. I am doing things I want to do. Doing things that make me happy. I am planning one thing a day and then doing admin, speaking to friends or family, cooking, reading the news. I feel that I have no right. I feel that I’ve opted out of real life. I’m not working but I am doing some volunteering.
Anyone had similar? X
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Absolutely. That’s the abuse, the brain washing and the programming that came from him. I felt like that for quite some time but it’s okay to spend time on yourself. In fact is a necessity for your own mental health it’s just that you’ve been made to feel guilty by your ex when you ever tried to do anything that took the spotlight off him. Well you fought for your freedom and here’s the reward. Enjoy it. The FOG of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt takes a while to disappear. Remember as human beings we crave what is normal to us even if that normal is being controlled and running after an abuser. You’ve got a blank sheet of paper now to colour in with bright bold new patterns just for you x
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This time is for you now and your recovery. I’d say, look at how long your relationship was toxic, then times that by say about 10 and that is the Recovery Time that I am going to prescribe for you! Its been a tough journey and you dedicated a long time to him. Don’t feel guilty. Its just how life should be….happy and relaxed! xx
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