16th January 2021 at 7:21 pm #119883AllforthemParticipant
I was always a strong single independant mother until i met “the love of my life”… ive posted on this forum once before… That was the 1st time i left and thought i was out… Since then i have tried to end my life, been under the care of an excellent mental health team, tried to find myself as a person again, read every self help and positivity book i could get my hands on and STILL i kept going back!! What on earth is wrong with me?? As i began this story… I used to be a strong independant mother, vut now i dont know what or who i am! He is soo intwinned in my life that i simply do not see how to get out… We have a baby and a business that I trained him to do… I know the easy thing woukd be to walk away but ive worked soo hard to support my kids, y should he get it all. I left with nothing except my kids and im trying soo hard to be strong and stay away from him. Mental abuse is a torture.. I have been to my lowest and tried to bring myself back but i just feel soo fragile and unprepared to be a single mother again esp in these difficult times. 😔
16th January 2021 at 9:44 pm #119889HettyParticipant
Domestic abuse wears us down so that we are so very fragile. Think about life with him… you might feel like you are actually a single mother already. These men are entitled remember, their needs trump ours and the children’s time and time again. If you can parent in an abusive situation you can pretty must do anything.
Often when we leave we do give up a lot in terms of finances and other things. How I got over this was to think about how much my life was worth and that of my son. He started to resent me for staying and the trajectory I saw was him wanting to leave as soon as he was old enough. I also thought about being in my later years looking back on my life. Would I care about the beautiful house I had or everything he had ruined – there was never any joy.
Leaving is one thing and staying away is another. Remember most women leave many times before they stay away for good. Think about what lures you back in? These men never change. We have to say no more. There’s nothing wrong with you. Domestic abuse is so complex and insidious it’s not easy to get out, stay out and recover.
Well done for coming on and posting ❤️ Start again from where you are. Baby steps. Have you had specialist domestic abuse support. Mental health support will only go so far in treating the symptoms xx
17th January 2021 at 1:03 am #119899EmpoweredhealingParticipant
I’m glad to hear that you are getting mental health treatment. If there are any domestic abuse support groups in your area, it might be worth a try.
Most of us who are out and stayed out do a combination of therapy and self education about abuse. If you haven’t done so, consider reading Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft books. YouTube channels by Ross Rosenberg and Dr. Ramani are really helpful too.
But above all, try not to shame yourself about going back. People who don’t know about abuse might judge you. But those of us who have experienced it know how hard this is.
17th January 2021 at 10:48 am #119919ISOPeaceParticipant
I haven’t managed to leave yet but totally understand the feeling fragile you describe. It’s taking me a long time to see that even though I feel too fragile to leave, I’ll never feel strong if I’m emotionally battered. I’m sure the healing that starts when you leave takes time. There are lots of situational issues that hold me back from leaving. But I’m trying to cultivate the mindset that none of it really matters if I’m stuck with my kids in an abusive home. Peace and safety is worth far more. I know it’s hard though because I haven’t acted on my own advice yet!
A friend just messaged me with the following quote: your current situation is not your destination, always remember that.
Stay strong (you already are even if you don’t feel like it), sending love xxxxx
17th January 2021 at 11:10 pm #119961AllforthemParticipant
🖤 Thank you all xx
17th January 2021 at 11:25 pm #119963IwantmebackParticipant
I left when staying was no longer an option. It’s taking that leap of faith, faith in yourself that you can live without them. I left nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, but still I can’t get him out of my life. They will go to any lengths to keep you. Change from admitting it’s all their fault, back to abusing you, to crying constantly, to threatening suicide, to bring super nice.
By sticking to your narrative that you no longer love them or will return, it throws them off balance. Going no contact once you’re away is the best thing to do but isn’t always manageable. This journey is ours, noone else’s, my journey won’t sit well with some the and as others won’t sit well with me. There’s no judgement here only compassion and understanding.
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