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Hi fellow brave ladies (and men),
I’m new. I’m a mess. This is, briefly, my story.
I’ve been with my husband for (Detail removed by moderator) years, married for (Detail removed by moderator). We have a (Detail removed by moderator) year old boy and a (Detail removed by moderator) year old (Detail removed by moderator). I left with our children on (Detail removed by moderator) after another episode of abuse and came to my parents. We’ve been here ever since. A (Detail removed by moderator) year old woman living in her parents spare bedroom with her two children. I had begun a new job which I had to resign from the day after (Detail removed by moderator) as I was no longer in the area. It was a good job and I’d been there for (Detail removed by moderator)(Detail removed by moderator). My husband has been unemployed on and off for over (Detail removed by moderator) years. We went through (Detail removed by moderator) years of fertility treatment to have our precious children.
Now that I know what this is, looking back, he has always been emotionally abusive. Certainly always angry, aggressive, intimidating, unable to communicate. It’s got much worse. Lately the abusive episodes were weekly, sometimes more. He was emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive, coercive control, threats of violence and intimidation. Usually after a drink but not always and not necessarily drunk. Would regularly withhold where he was or what he was doing or when (and in what mood) he’d be home. In the end I was a nervous wreck and I couldn’t take it anymore. I left before when I was (Detail removed by moderator) months pregnant with our youngest but went back. I also left and we lived apart for (Detail removed by moderator) a few years back pre children but we got back together. This time it’s for good. I hope.
He would name call (the worse insults with swearing said in a really quite disgusting way), belittle me, put me down, mock me, criticise me, put my family and friends down, put my work down, say I was an unfit mother who didn’t have a clue, say he’d take the children away, more recently he would kill me, kill members of my family, call me stupid, an imbecile, the list goes on. Threaten violence by hitting the table, throwing things, slamming his fist into things, coming up in my face and in my personal space. Anyway, you get the gist. I only really started to recognise it had a name in the past few years after reading about it.
Since leaving my family have organised a lovely flat near them for me and the children to start a new life in. I’m very lucky. I’ve started to open up a little to people about what has been going on. They do not want me to return. I have made it clear to my husband by phone and text that I cannot live with him anymore but he can still be a father as long as I am certain it’s safe for the children. He has been drinking heavily for a period of time since I left. I took the children to sed their Dad (Detail removed by moderator). A very difficult day for all concerned but it was also meant to be a chance for us to sort out next steps in ending our relationship and the tenancy on our house etc. We took the children to their grandparents so we could talk. He spent 1-2 hours literally begging pleading sobbing shaking and saying he would literally do absolutely anything to get me back. I was completely blindsided by the level of remorse. Anger management courses, treatment, marriage counselling, he’ll stop going to the pub for pints by himself (his words), he’ll do anything. Please don’t throw away our marriage, don’t want the children to be brought up in a broken home, he loves me, can’t bear the thought of never cuddling me, having sex with me (we have hardly done this the past year anyway!!!), can’t bear the thought of not bringing the children up with me, please don’t throw him away, he can change, he will, full acknowledgement of the abusive behaviour, full admission how despicable he’s been etc etc. He would’ve carried on begging and pleading for hours more I think but I just wanted to get the children and leave. I was strong and told him how abusive he’d been. He wants me to move back into our house (Detail removed by moderator) for the (Detail removed by moderator) day window we have before we have to give notice so we can sort things out and he can prove to me what he will do to fix things. He says it will never happen again ever. I said it will, of course it will. I’m not moving back in, I don’t want to even go into that house anymore, it’s over. I didn’t tell him I have somewhere else for me and the children to live. I collected them, he begged and cried some more, I cried, I didn’t agree to anything, we left. He walked off sobbing in the street (Detail removed by moderator). I feel horrendous. Struggling so much and I don’t think I even realised quite how much this has all affected me or even how bad it’s been. I hope I have a good future with my lovely children but I’m really worried about how he will be and what part he will play. I think he thinks I might still come back (Detail removed by moderator). I feel horrifically guilty and worried for him as we were by far the best thing in his life. He has no job, no money, his family are a bit odd in their support (I’m wondering whether his Mother was/is an emotionally abusive person, his brother I think has n**********c personality disorder and I have done for a while) he has no friends and now has to give up our house and life together because of his, frankly, appalling behaviour.
I’m struggling really. I’m very scared of telling him, again, next week that I’m not coming back and that, in actual fact, I’ve found somewhere else to live. I’m dreading having to pack up our home and take what’s mine. It all feels scary and overwhelming. Plus, I still feel like I love him. I certainly care and want him to be okay. I don’t think he will be once he truly realises I’m not coming back and he’s lost us really. I think he will go on self destruct again with alcohol and drugs. I think he will be a mess. And I’m scared of our children being subjected to that. I’m just really worried about it all really.
I hope this forum might help me somehow. Lots of love xx
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Well done! Such a strong powerful woman.
Your post resonates with me in mamy ways and I know exactly what you’re feeling, keep strong, this is your decision and it’s right for you and your children. You’ll have many rocky wobbly days but ahead remember why you left and don’t look back.
Love and hugs to you and your children x*x -
Thank you so so so much. I need so much strength and support right now so I need to read things like this.
Who are the best people to help with how to deal with post separation and him having contact with the children etc? Citizens Advice or Women’s Aid? I don’t know how he will truly be once he realises I’m not coming back to our house and we need to give notice to leave it (notice needed this week!)
Xx
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Please remember he is not your responsibility. The begging and pleading is just a huge act designed to hoover you back in. Don’t give him the chance to do it all again. Take your belongings when he’s not there. If he really cared he would have stopped drinking and taking drugs, got a job and supported his family. It’s amazing how these men land on their feet when they need to. Mine was crying, pleading, begging whilst behind my back was cheating and stealing my money. Don’t believe a word he says. The are compulsive liars and dangerous when we leave. Your responsibility is to you and your children. Co tact women’s aid and ask for a worker to see you through this. They have great local knowledge of housing and safety. If you could gomzero contact that would help. Let a family member act as a go between x
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I’m sooooo distracted whilst trying to be Mummy to my 2 children. I can’t wait to feel better and to try to start moving on. I just need to get our things. I’m going to apply for a job near our new home tonight. Trying to make it all real.
I didn’t realise how badly affected I was by all this behaviour over the years.
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He just texted hours later sorry missed your call didn’t have my phone. Ring me when you’re free. So I rang him. Said I’m not coming back to the house, we need to give notice, I can’t live in that environment anymore. He was completely calm, completely reasonable, didn’t really even sound that upset or surprised just accepted it. He’ll give notice, his main priority is mine and our children’s health and happiness.
So now I feel completely bonkers.
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It’s a great big game to him. Please don’t be fooled. Mine would go from being all reasonable and let’s act like adults for the sake of our son. To attacking me and stalking. You really don’t know what’s going on. Just watch out for the next move. Meantime while he wants to be seen as reasonable. Jump now and get everything in order. You must give notice. Do not trust him. If he’s already given notice it won’t matter if you do too. Their behaviour is designed to make us feel bonkers but you know it’s not the case. They switch behaviour in a split second. Just concentrate on you and getting free. It’s not over x
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Hey, hugging you right back 🤗
I was once in your shoes and the wonderful ladies on here helped me through the nightmare. These abusers all act in a similar way. I was gobsmacked when some wonderful ladies on here advised me what was coming. Only because they had been through it already. Just hang in there, pace yourself. You’re playing the long game x -
Okay. Thank you. I’m trying to access counselling the Freedom Programme and citizens advice tomorrow plus utilising the Women’s Aid helpline where needed too.
I’m still finding it hard to think this is all part of it, all these events and episodes and behaviours.
And whilst I’m going through this and trying to process it all I’ve got a (Detail removed by moderator) year old who is feeling very ignored because Mummy is in a fog and is completely distracted with trying to gain strength from the internet or phone calls to helplines.
It’s tough tough tough going. I don’t even allow my brain to let in any missing him emotions. (Detail removed by moderator) years of my life with this man.
Xx
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I remember the early days were dreadful. I allowed myself three things a day. That’s all I could cope with. It could be open mail, put out bins and get food shopping. Maybe set aside a time for your little one. Even if it’s fifteen minutes at six pm each day. So you both have cuddle time. I can tell you it’s a rollercoaster ride but well worth it. I was well over two decades with mine. Living with the Dominator, a book by Pat Craven is a great read. And anything by Lundy Bancroft. I found it helpful to understand it’s them with the behaviour problem not us x
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Yes I can relate to that act they do too, my ex could change at the flip of a switch, it was one of the things that alerted me to the fact that something was weird about him as it didn’t look like normal human emotion (it wasn’t, it was all a big act). It’s like they build up this toolkit and think ‘hmm, I wonder what will be most effective today, maybe a bit of guilt tripping, with some crying thrown in, maybe a threat or too then a promise, that should do it.’ They tend to get more bizarre and extreme if the initial tools stop working like KIP said so you have to be on your guard because they can be very dangerous at these times, they tend to get violent when all the other tools stop working to control us.
My ex was cold and clinical to me treating me disrespectfully like a sex doll, then got angry when I asked if I could be affectionate with him, then he started crying pretending I had hurt him, then later he started berating me gleefully before threatening to hurt me with a terrifying, powerful look of glee in his eyes. That was my trigger to leave and after that he started texting saying he was ‘there for me if I wanted to talk’ acting like this perfect supportive boyfriend, gaslighting me saying I had imagined his threats and that he just wanted to help me! After I went no contact I got messages and emails from him saying that he was heartbroken, but also worried about me, and several other things, like he was just throwing all sorts of things out there hoping one would work. Not once did he acknowledge his fault, his abuse, his threats, he carefully blamed it all on me and ‘my issues’ painting himself as this caring, dependable, rational calm saint of a man.
So basically, don’t believe a word of what he says, it is all designed to manipulate you and hoover you back in. It’s very effective and can get under your skin, a lot of them stalk and harass after we leave (mine did) so the police can be very helpful if this happens. Keep going, you are doing all the right things. It is so painful and difficult but it gets better and is so much better than living with an abuser.
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Thank you so so so much.
That’s interesting to read. Mine (Detail removed by moderator) in our first meeting since I left (we have 2 young children so took them to see him but he spent the whole pleading with me to go back when they went to their grandparents during the visit) admitted to it all, full acknowledgement of how “abysmal” he’s been, he’ll go to anger management, learn how to communicate, marriage counselling, stop this stop that etc.
I’m unnerved by the reasonable acceptance of my phone call today. Even thanked me for making what “must’ve been a difficult call”. I said were you expecting me to say this or something? He said well I wanted one last ditch attempt to stop our family from splitting up but I didn’t think I’d managed it. And now his priority is mine and the children’s health and happiness. It just all feels very odd in light of everything that’s gone on and that now our marriage is clearly over and we’ve gone.
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Aw Itwillbeokay I’m at such a similar stage. He wanted to see kids yesterday and when I picked them up he was just normal but looked sad and it broke my heart watching him put the kids toys back in the shed. Just wish he’d be angry with me so I can remember it was true? I’m just struggling with how sad I am right now. Work is a great disttaction nobody there knows what’s going on so I can just escape….don’t know if that’s right or not??
Keep talking on here…..helps me so mych -
Itwillbeok, I too like others have went through this. The suicide threats the crying the promise to do anything. I felt so sad and guilty and I loved him very much too but i knew in my heart he wouldn’t change and the relationship couldn’t recover. I also had a wee girl with him through ivf and he also has drink/drug problem and depression. To cut a long story short when he realised he wasn’t getting me back things go way out of hand. The abusive texts the climbing up my gutters to try and entry our house the list goes on. Now all I hear he dates everything or anything on Tinder and I had to get a non harrasment order out and get him charged. What I think we are all trying to say is be careful and stay safe. He may well be different but he may well not be and follow this pattern. It’s a hard slog but stand for what you right now think is right. Don’t go back over guilt as that’s not a foundation for a relationship to be happy xx
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Hello everyone.
I just thought I’d post an update as I haven’t written in a few days although I’ve been reading.
Husband and I are now separated and I am very much not going back. That makes me sound strong. I am not. I’m a mess. Well, good days and bad, highs and lows. I’m trying to access local counselling but the waiting lists are months.
The support I’ve received from my family and friends has been amazing and me and my two boys move into our new flat next week. But first another contact visit with their Dad (the second since I left weeks ago) and packing up my house, dividing our possessions. I’m dreading next week. Dreading seeing him, having to talk to him, worrying about leaving our children with him.
He is now seemingly accepting of the inevitable and is Mr Reasonable, wants to be amicable, wants to see the children. Sounds almost upbeat. Cold. Business-like. I don’t feel amicable. I feel angry and upset and disappointed that he wasn’t able to refrain from calling me disgusting names or intimidating me and treating me badly. I open up to people and see the looks on their faces and am starting to realise his behaviour was far from normal or okay. But why. Why did he want to treat me like that over staying together as a family and living a happy life?!
In short, the cognitive dissonance is real. I can see light, I think. But I’m still feeling the dark. I’m anxious a lot and it breaks my heart and twists my stomach when my (detail removed by moderator) year old says when are we going to my home, I just want to see my Daddy. I haven’t even told him yet that we are never going “home”. That we have a new home. He has a new preschool and a new school.
My husband wants me to go to the house and sort out our possessions. I’m going to say no. It’s too confusing for our 3 year old to go there ever again now and I don’t want to be in the house with him. I need to call him tomorrow and tell him I’m not doing that, I am moving out and that’s it and I don’t want him there. It all makes me very anxious.
I keep looking at pictures of our new home to try to keep positive. I am lucky I have somewhere to go.
Xx
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This is strength….you are strong…..look what you’ve done and how you’ve stayed away, sorted accommodation and kept alive through this. You are amazing.
I’m going through the reasonable and business like phase too…..do you think it’s real??? Just can’t understand it after years together??? Anyway suppose I should be thankful, but yes the cognitive dissonance is so hard to deal with.
Keep going, keep being brave…..my councillor suggested I kept a diary to help with the confusion in my head x*x -
I’m struggling to understand it too after (detail removed by moderator) years. But even that muddles my mind. I don’t want the begging pleading broken man he made out (I think!) he was week before last. But I don’t get the cold business like tone of last week either. I don’t want him to not see his children. But then again I almost wish he wouldn’t want to so I don’t have to have contact with him. I don’t know what I want. It’s all come to an end so quickly it feels like and yet it’s been under the surface for years. I’m nervous of him or the actions he might take and yet I wonder if I’m being over the top because that’s what he’d have me believe. If I have to make contact – and I try to avoid it – I feel so anxious and it affects me for days and yet only recently I still thought he was my best friend and my husband. I wanted to believe it would get better and he would emerge as that again.
It’s heartbreaking really. But the right decision for me, the children and my sanity. I must start to recognise my worth. It is so much more than I’ve let happen.
Let’s remain strong. We’re doing so well. Thinking of you x*x
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Just be really careful of yours and the children’s safety at this time. You are at the most dangerous time when he knows you are serious about leaving and you are serious about not going back into the abusive relationship. He still has no intention of losing control of you. You were also his source of income. He won’t want to lose that. He has made threats before to kill you and your family. I would just be fearful that if he thinks he can’t have control of you well you’re not going to get away and live a life without him. Please keep your safety and that of your children first. He knows your children are the most precious and best thing to have happened to you. He knows that would be a way to hurt you forever. My gut is just wary of his ‘calm’ in the face of your leaving. Please don’t be on your own with this man. In fact I would not be speaking to him at all. I would use your parents as the go between.
Maybe his ‘calm’ in the face of you leaving is his confidence that he can still abuse you even though you will be separated. This he can do once he can still engage and have contact with you, which he is doing at the moment.
You are not out of the woods yet with this abuser so please keep yourself and your children safe and keep posting.
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Listen to your gut. Your gut is saying you are nervous of him and the actions he might take. You are not being over the top. No Contact between you and him and let third parties convey the information. Also don’t let him know you are moving into a new flat on your own with the children. In fact let him know as little as possible.
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I can’t use my parents as the go between as he’d started to threaten them aswell, to me. He will also hold them responsible for helping me get away. I don’t want to take the children to see him but I don’t know what I’m meant to do, he didn’t do anything bad as such to them, apart from abuse their mother. I just want to move on and I just want to stop feeling sad and worried and anxious and guilty.
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Hello Iwillbeokay,
I just wanted to show you some support. You do not need to let him know anything and you do not need to let him have any contact with the children. You can refuse contact if you have a good reason to and domestic abuse is a good reason and the emphasis will be on him to try and get a legal order in place with child contact arragements. You say he never did anything to the children other than abuse you but that is very serious and they will have heard or witnessed that which would be upsetting for them. You are feeling afraid and nervous and so please listen to your gut. As lover of no contact rightly states this is a very dangerous time for you so please phone the Police and update them of his threats, abuse and that you are leaving. They will be aware this could be a dangerous time for you and they could come with you as an escort to collect your belongings. I would not recommend you go alone. The Police can also put a marker on your old address and new address so that if you phone them the will have some background to the relationship and will hopefully respond very quickly.
Please get some legal advice, the Rights of Women website is a good starting point http://www.row.org.uk as is your local Women’s Aid group and even Citizens Advice. Please also phone the helpline for some advice and safety planning.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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So much of your post is exactly what I am thinking. So confusing and so quick to get to this point.
Sorry to hijack your post but Lisa can you apply for a non contact order if the abuse has only been emotional and sexual and not too children?? I’m really struggling with letting husband organise contacts nd every part of me screaming I’m not letting my kids near you after what you did but since husband is not recognising it is even real and everyone else seems to be sweeping it under the carpet it seems he has to see them???? -
Hello,
Please get some legal advice as child contact arrangements are complicated, particularly when you are dealing with an abuser. Your local Women’s Aid group should be able to signpost you to a good solicitor who understands child contact in the context of an abusive relationship. As above. Rights of Women should be able to help you too.
Kind regards,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
First night in our new home. Babies asleep and I’m sat here in quiet reflection and solitude. It feels very weird. I don’t know whether weird good or weird bad. I’m trying not to think too deeply about anything much tonight as it’s been an exhausting and emotionally draining (detail removed by moderator) since I left with our children. I’m trying to keep contact limited and am trying to stay strong and remember why I left. I will always be sad how things turned out and I worry I’ll always be vulnerable to the memories fading and to going back. I have to remember the reasons why I left even though I’d rather forget and move on. I need to figure out how he will see the children and how I will feel about that. I worry it will always be tough. But for now we are safe and cosy in our new home (detail removed by moderator) family and friends who have all been absolutely amazing.
X*x
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Feeling so sad and down today. Feel like everything I’m doing is another nail in the life I thought I’d have married to the father of my children and the man I loved. Worse than that, I feel like I really miss him and just want to see him. Met a neighbour today and she was really negative about where we’re now living and it made me feel so sad that this is where we’re at, in a little flat just me and the children. I’ve felt like crying all day. Son joined a new nursery and he gets a tshirt for free because I’m a single parent. I could’ve cried. The bad memories are fading and all my brain wants to show me are the good ones making me scream at myself what are you doing!!! Go back go back. Of course I can’t and I won’t. Everyone has supported this so much and helped me to be here. But will I ever really be okay or even happy. Will I ever not miss the husband I’d hoped he would one day be. I feel like I’ve failed and I’m just in a home for useless people who couldn’t keep their family together. After almost a decade of IVF to have our beautiful children together it hurts so much and the lump in my throat just seems so big right now.
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I just wanted to show you some support and say I hope today is a better day for you. As a woman who has not yet made the break I think you are inspirational for standing up to him and for striving to build a better life for you and your children. A better life isn’t defined by monetary value or where you live but by the quality of you and your children’s lives together. Anyone who looks down on you because of where you live can take a running jump. I didn’t think I would get to this age and be having to ask my mum to put me up for a few months while I get a job and get some money (he makes sure I have neither) or that I’d have to be thinking about applying for a council house and buying 2nd hand furniture off Facebook. But these things aren’t going to make me a worse person just like where you live at the moment and being a single parent don’t make you a worse person and they don’t define you either. You are a strong woman for doing this – don’t forget that you are inspiring to other women who aren’t yet as strong!
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