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    • #133017
      Mime
      Participant

      (Detail removed by moderator) we got into a disagreement and rather than let it go, I said something back. I can’t say anything without him getting angry.

      I didn’t raise my voice, I said something to defend myself because he’d stormed out of the room slamming doors, after giving me the silent treatment – it all came about because I’d stood up for myself and not accepted his lies and distortions, I’d pulled him up on it because I was feeling braver because he’d been nicer to me, but he won’t be questioned and I know I should say nothing at all.

      So now he’ll probs not speak to me for days – he’ll be slamming cupboards and doors and disappearing off and coming back angry. He’ll be either sulking or mocking me
      – he won’t tell me where he’s been after he’s disappeared for the day or maybe the night – and I won’t ask because it’ll make everything worse.

      I’m so sad and tired.

    • #133018
      KIP.
      Participant

      You haven’t let yourself down at all. You’ve simply tried to be reasonable and to be yourself. Please understand these men don’t need an excuse to behave this way.it’s part of psychological control and he would be treating you this way soon anyway to reinforce his control whether it was over a phrase you used or he simply made something up to justify his behaviour and there is nothing you can do to stop it because he chooses to behave this way. Take the spotlight off your behaviour and look at his. He won’t ever change and abuse always gets worse. Google the cycle of abuse x it’s not you, it’s him and he won’t change but you can x are you in touch with your local women’s aid?

    • #133022
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Hey sweetie you have not let yourself down its him that lets you down. Im sure no matter what you did with this fight he wouldve taken the high ground and blamed you regardless its what they do you will never win as sad as that is to face.
      Never ever blame yourself dont let them take that away from you as well as everything else.
      Tell yourself its him not you kver and over again in your head during an argument. I read a quote the other day that basically said dont absorb their bad words their bad behaviour dont let it in, step over it, step through it and move foward. Stay safe stay strong xx

    • #133062
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      It’s so anxiety-inducing and wearing isn’t it, when they put you through alternating rage and silent treatment. You never know which one you’re going to get, and you don’t know how long it’s going to go on for.

      Walking on eggshells and existing in a hypervigilent state wears you down like nothing else. At the end of the day you just want some peace, some normality.

    • #133080
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Oh lovely you have not let yourself down at all. It’s natural to respond and in a healthy relationship would be part of a two way conversation but sadly we’re not in that space with these partners. I did exactly the same the other day, caught myself doing and actually changed tact to staying calm and trying to bring the fight back to the original point rather than all his wild accusations, it was interesting to watch his reaction but as you say us reacting is what they want and need in order to trigger their response, to justify to themselves their entitledness. I know living with stonewalling is awkward and the anxiety of not knowing how they’ll be is gut wrenching, but I’ve also learnt to find solace in the silence and do my own thing, watch tv upstairs etc. Just stay safe and don’t beat yourself up, his response is his choice. It’s not natural to expect you to just stand there and take it x

    • #133173
      Wakemeup
      Participant

      I’m pretty sure they all read the same abusers manual as this sounded all too familiar and I can just feel how you’re feeling ❤️
      How he’s made you feel is exactly the reason he acts the was he does . You’re at least gauging the cycle it makes it slightly less personal if you just note the cycle and what to expect next and I would listen when he spoke for specific gaslighting and belittling like I was dissecting a science experiment. It started making it less personal and less about me and more about his predictable responses and behaviour. I didn’t say it out loud but it did help . X

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