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    • #142459
      Sunshine01
      Participant

      Hello, new to the forums!

      I left my ex partner in (detail removed by Moderator) after suffering alot of abuse. I built myself up over a period of 12 months to leave him and left the night I generally believed he would have killed me. I thought that was the hard part but it’s been (detail removed by Moderator) years and I feel like since we’ve split and due to going through (detail removed by Moderator) that it’s brought alot up, alot I didn’t realise I had been through. I struggle with accepting what I put up with. Mentally my health has deteriorated in the past (detail removed by Moderator) months to wherby I no longer feel myself. I’ve never pressed charges on what happened to me mainly due to at the time I was terrified but it’s a huge regret and I wonder had I had the guts to do that maybe now I wouldn’t be in the situation I am. If anything I feel worse, i feel that nobody believes what happened to me due to his n*********c personality wherby he comes across amazing. I’ve bullied myself so much recently and generally just feel so lost and alone. I am terrified he will turn my daughter against me in the long run as a way of hurting me. Does this ever get easier or is this life now?

    • #142471
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I understand how you feel you want some justice & validation for what he put you through , you have been through a lot and come out the other side , you haven’t had time to heal properly as you have had so much to go through , so you are constantly reminded of the trauma . I did press charges (detail removed by Moderator) I came out of there completely devastated, he came out smug , so I had no justice in what I was saying , I couldn’t believe how they didn’t believe me and I had a lot of evidence against him . They have this way that they draw people in to make themselves look like the victims and we are the bad guys , it’s all us . You know what you went through no court can change that , he knows what his done . Your main priority now is focusing on you and your child , you have taken amazing steps to protect yourself and your daughter that takes a great deal of courage , I think you should feel very proud of yourself. Pressing charges would not have made you feel any better , you took control of your life for your child’s sake and your own to be safe that’s the main thing .

    • #142479
      Rory
      Participant

      You are strong to have put up with as much as you have. Remember what you liked doing as a child, when you felt free and happy. Then do a little of that whenever you can. Involve your daughter, as her seeing you happy will strengthen both of you.

    • #142481
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Ive not left so cant comment on that part but I too have lost myself i think alot of us have.
      To me therapy helps me so much I have to pay and hide it from him but its worth it for the release it gives me.
      We never get over the trauma it will always be a part of us but thats just it. It is only a part of us a small part of a strong amazing resiliant woman that you are.
      Take some time to yourself to think about what you would like to become, volunteering changed my life it has given me a purpose a job and now a new skill to learn im making friends and whats surprising to me is that pepple actually seem to like me they want to hear my opinion which is slowly making me feel stronger. Never ever did i think id find me again. I have to fight each and every day to be allowed to go to woek volunteer college and often i cry in my car on my way or i sit in my car at hometime cause i know how bad its ginna be when i get home but to me its worth it as im slowly finding me again.
      Its not easy but she is there inside you waiting to come out. Just remember the trauma the abuse is only a part of you its not the whole of you shes still there for you to discover and cherish.
      Sending hugs x*x

    • #142519
      Parasol Lady
      Participant

      Hello, I am new on here and my case is a little different as my husband has died a few years ago now and it was not until afterwards that I have come to realise what happened in the many years we were together. He was a lot older than me and I was with him from when I was (detail removed by Moderator) and he was twice my age. After he died I was so shocked that the predominant emotion was relief as well as sadness and yes I loved him as he was my world. Literally, I had no other world except him and my children. Contact with my family was very limited and controlled, I missed many a family wedding and celebrations because he did not like parties & thought my family common. I was not able to make friends or go anywhere without him. I was ‘ encouraged’ to wear clothes he thought were suitable and any thoughts I had differing to his were scorned and dismissed. To others he was charming, funny , an expert at his job, colleagues admired him. He did what he wanted, went on days out supporting his football team & spending time with his older children from 1st marriage. I was not allowed to do anything like that. I had to be at home when he arrived back and he would never tell me what time he would be back but expected food to be ready for him. Even though we both worked full time it was expected that I would cook proper home made meals every evening as well have responsibility for all the children’s school evenings, plays and being around in the holidays and sorting child care. He did everything financial, controlled where we went on holidays and did not let the children have friends home etc. I accepted this as I thought he did all this because he loved me and wanted us to be together all the time and just be a family together. We did not need outsiders, meaning my family or friends. Unless of course, it was his family and friends he made we socialised with. When he died I found I was unable to function and struggled with doing all the practical tasks that needed doing. He planned his own funeral and even packed up his belongings to be donated to a charity shop of his choosing as he didn’t think I could do the job properly. I changed nothing after he died for over (detail removed by Moderator) years, it has taken up until last year when I finally broke down for me to fully realise I could do what I wanted, throw out furniture and ornaments I had not picked and hated looking at, wear what I choose to and start to bring to the fore the person I was at (detail removed by Moderator) again. Be myself and live my life. Still finding my way and at nearly (detail removed by Moderator) have realised that looking forward rather than back is so much healthier. It will come with support and help and you will win. I have had counselling, love & support from children & friends and colleagues which have helped enormously. I wish everyone in this position can find the strength to go forward and be the person they are and deserve to be. Sorry this went on a bit. Thank you for listening. 🌹 P.S. I eat mostly crumpets, bacon sandwiches, soup, salads and cake etc these days because I like eating them and don’t have to cook meals every day now if I don’t want to! Little victories…🙂

    • #142524
      longjourneylife
      Participant

      Thank you all for sharing. @Parasol Lady, what a beautiful inspiration! I just spent 2 hours going over old emails, it was torture, I used to be so full of life and energy and good things. I’m a shell now…looking forward, I have to move on, I don’t want to prosecute, so why go back to the past?…I’m being pressured tho…I just want to be free and live what’s left of life…

    • #142526
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Sunshine01

      Welcome to the forum. It’s a wonderful place to be understood.

      So many women don’t press charges, you are not alone. If you had pressed charges, there is no guarantee that anything would have worked out any better for you. You did what you felt able to do at the time and that was the business of survival.

      As someone who never pressed charges myself (and I probably never will) I understand the sense of injustice that you feel. It took me a long time to accept that some people will never believe me and that still stings even now.

      One of my sons still sees one of those non-believers on rare occasions. He told me that she seems sheepish. Interesting, because when I moved on I knew he would need to shift his n**********c hunger onto a new target and she was one of three people who I thought he might target. I can’t help but wonder if her sheepishness means I was right. I feel some sense of validation! I also know he is a very unhappy person. He hasn’t managed to find a new woman as he claimed he would, even though he started looking before I’d even left. I think women see through his charms far more quickly than he had anticipated. That gives me some sense of justice.

      Mostly though, I try not to think about him and that gets easier as time passes and I become more established in my new life.

      When I first left, there was a gaping hole where the real me should be. It felt really uncomfortable and very frightening.

      Honestly, before you try to find yourself, perhaps try to get a little more comfortable with the empty space. Don’t try too hard to fill the gaps. Over time, the real you will start to seep into that hole and drop by drop the hole will fill with the essence that is you.

      You may not know who you want to be but you may know who you’d like to be? Stay focused on what you would like the core of you to be. What are your values? Focus on that and it’ll start to happen.

      You can’t change what has passed but you can shape your future. Take it one day at a time. xx

    • #142534
      Camel
      Participant

      I also felt like the real me had disappeared but I reappeared eventually. It took plenty of time and space. It’s hard to imagine that one day you won’t think about your abuser at all, but you will. And as he fades, you’ll reappear.

    • #142535
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      @Parasol Lady omg I can really relate to what you have written, except that my H is alive and we’re still together. Like many ladies here, I don’t know who the real me is either.

      This morning I was woken up by a specific sound, it induced instant panic in me. Not because I’m bothered about that sound, but because my H has a phobia about it, and I was reacting to how I knew he would react if he heard it.

      I don’t see any way out until one of us dies.

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