This topic contains 8 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  PaleBlueStar 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

  • Author
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  • #112254
     Wheresmysparklegone 
    Participant

    so, I was spoken to like a child for the umpteenth time but this time I saw red and went into a rage. Its not like me im really placid. The trouble is all the neighbours heard and now I feel like I have played right into his hands and made him look like the victim. They have no idea what ive endured over the years to get to this breaking point. I’m so annoyed at myself i really am. Should I be bothered as the people I love the most know the truth.

  • #112257
     focusonfreedom 
    Participant

    You should not in anyway feel bothered about others. I had the same experience with random rages. But I can assure you that people, who you think have no idea what is happening, do. When I left a relationship there was no one who ever doubted what I had done was right and they never questioned my notion when I had to walk away from my own children to save myself. People are wise to situations, even though they never talk to you about them. Rages need to exist, it builds your strength, too much passive behaviour will make him believe you are accepting his actions. Please be strong and not so doubtful of your actions.

  • #112262
     Escapee 
    Participant

    My lovely, you haven’t made a fool of yourself, you stood up for yourself and your right to be respected.

    At the end of my marriage, I too saw red and told him exactly what I thought of him and his behaviour. I’m fairly sure he was the embarrassed one as the neighbours heard every word of why I left.

    When I hear of any ‘odd’ behaviour, I don’t think badly of the woman, I think there’s a woman struggling and my heart goes out to her.

    Keep strong xx

  • #112264
     Wheresmysparklegone 
    Participant

    Thank you for your replies. I think you’re right about people knowing. They have seen his behaviour before, not with me and have said they think he’s probably ‘challenging’. I’m so done with it all x

  • #112583
     Camel 
    Participant

    You haven’t made a fool of yourself. As far as the neighbours are concerned you had a rather loud row. People row, it’s not unusual. I’ve never labelled the loudest shouter as an abuser. Neither will your neighbours be judging you. You haven’t played right into his hands. Take your rage as a sign that you’ve reached the end of your tether.

  • #112603
     Wiseafter 
    Participant

    I like that, Camel. That the loudest shouter should not be labelled as an abuser. I will take that with me because I have been accused by my ex of being abusive because of flying into a rage due to his abuse, manipulation and gas lighting. I have always felt so ashamed of my outbursts and normally such a calm person. Over time with him I turned into a very reactive woman, either that or numb or crying. He turned it all against me and portrayed himself as victim to cover his tracks. Lying to my sons and to friends and his family. Its been really hard working through all that and can make you feel so ashamed. wheresmysparklegone, you don’t have anything to feel ashamed of. If you cracked only once you are a saint. If you cracked a hundred times you are not to blame. It is normal to row but the reaction to abuse is something else entirely. It can be like rage you have never known before. Everyone has their red line beyond which they are going to lose it. Most abusers know exactly how to get you to that point. it is one of their specialties and getting the focus to be all about your reaction rather than their awful behaviour means they get off the hook from taking responsibility so they love to do that.

  • #112605
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    Hi @wheresmysparklegone

    Please don’t feel ashamed, I used to be such a calm happy person who never let things get to me , and never ever used to fly into rages before my H yes I may have got angry or upset but I’ve never experienced anything to this extent before. Its all part of their tactics they want us to fly into rages or scream and shout as it makes us look like the ones with problems. When my H says something, or talks to me like a child I’ve many times seen red and just flipped screaming shouting you mame it! And what usually happens is he will say look at you your crazy, or aggressive or he’ll call me the abuser, it makes you then doubt yourself its all part of their sick plan and cycle of abuse. It says something if we were calm individuals before these relationships! I’m trying now not to bite even though i get so mad and can feel my blood boil i try to walk off, not give him the satisfaction. He knows I’m planning on leaving. They say go no contact but that is impossible if you live together so I’m trying minimal contact.

    Please do not feel ashamed you are only human and its a normal reaction when we are put down, abused etc it just means we are at boiling point! If you kept the anger in all the time it wouldn’t be healthy. I really feel for you lovely because I saw myself in your post. Try to stay strong and dont worry about the neighbours like the other ladies have said they probably know more than you think.

  • #112986
     Camel 
    Participant

    I didn’t recognise the screeching harpy I became during the abusive relationship. One occasion I found myself screeching for him to ‘shut the f*ck up!!!’ He’d turned right despite me pointing out that the sign said go left. He knew the route already. It was provocation, pure and simple. Was I abusive? Nope. I did catch an odd expression on his face though. I’d shocked him. It shut him up for a while 🙂

  • #113040
     PaleBlueStar 
    Participant

    This could be me.

    You are not alone.

    It’s an extreme situation and we need to get out of it.

    My husband is desperate to provoke me so he can claim victim status.

    Star 🌟

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