8th January 2016 at 8:29 pm #7306
I done it today !!!!
Had the day from hell, went to sarc to have examination for evidence and had to re account what he had done to me with the bleach and everything else this wk 😢😢😢
We are now safe in a refuge but am feeling like the worst person in the world . We had to leave in a rush so didn’t manage to get hardly any belongings . Now it’s the weekend so am left until Monday.
He has realised we are gone and is constantly honing and txing me 😢
I thought I would feel relived but I don’t -am more scared than ever now,
But I was basically told today if I went back the risk was too high and he would most probably end up killing me.
I really need you ladies support now more than ever xx xx
8th January 2016 at 8:38 pm #7308
You are so brave well done you have done every thing right. Of course you must be very scared, can you turn your phone off to get so rest bite from him?
Belongings can be replaced, but your health and sanity can’t.
Stay strong and keep posting we are all rooting for you xx
8th January 2016 at 8:43 pm #7310
Hi there, well done for getting out. Is there any way you can turn your phone off? Even if it’s just for the weekend? I know it’s hard but reading the messages will be confusing and keeping your mind on him. Which is what he wants. I understand how you’re more scared than ever. It’s because when we are with out abuser, all our time and mind space is filled with just surviving. Now you have time to think about things, your mind will process the danger you have been in. It’s all perfectly normal. It’s going to be a roller coaster. Time and no contact are the greatest healers. I’ve been where you are and I can promise you, it will get easier. Take all the help you can and don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve taken your first big step to a safe, happy, free future. Well done you. Stay strong❤️
8th January 2016 at 8:47 pm #7311LisaMain Moderator
Falling Skys is right, you are incredibly brave with the massive step you have taken.
I’m glad to hear that you are safely in a refuge and I hope you receive the support you deserve.
The ladies on this forum are incredibly supportive, please keep posting
8th January 2016 at 8:55 pm #7312
Thank you so much everyone.
I just feel constantly sick and absolutely drained at mo.
I didn’t want to turn my phone off in case I needed help tonight.
Don’t think it’s sunk in yet what has actually happened today.
And that I’ve left everything and everyone behind 😢😢
I am still in so much pain from the bleach incident and the examination today but at least I won’t have to have sex tonight so I can finally start healing and the bruises will fade as there will be no new ones tonight.
Hope I don’t feel this rubbish for long
8th January 2016 at 9:20 pm #7314
I am so so proud of you. You have taken such a brave step today well done. Please switch your phone off and do not allow him to creep back inside your head. You need to go no contact asap and give yourself the best chance of recovery.
You speak of starting to heal physically now that you are free, but now you can start to heal mentally too!
Well done, we are here when you need us x*x
8th January 2016 at 9:49 pm #7315TamraParticipant
My heart goes out to you. I admire your courage for finding the strength to get out and move to safety. Right now you may feel scared, numb, confused, lost, and in the strangest world but you are safe and loved by many and all the women on here are walking right beside you. Stay as strong as you can to stay away and let yourself feel free to feel the emotional pain and relief so you can set yourself free from this awful monster you have been with for so long. I understand he may have been someone you loved but what he did to you isnt love. Please please dont go back.
If you can find the courage to turn off your phone for tonight it may be a good thing so you can try and get some rest.
Lots of love and hugs xxxx
8th January 2016 at 10:02 pm #7317
Well done moon, sending you a ((((big virtual hug, ))))
You have had a hell of a day, and are very likely in shock from it all but you are right, tonight you will not have to face any further abuse from him.
Tonight you are safe,
Are you using your phone to access here? Or to have contact with friends and family?, the other ladies are right moon, you need to try to find a compromise so he can’t keep amping up the fear factor, when what you really need is to try to relax, rest and get yourself to start feeling safe and secure there
X x x
8th January 2016 at 10:04 pm #7318White RoseParticipant
Well done you amazing woman! Turn your phone off – you can turn it on if you need it. Try to sleep. Tomorrow is a new beginning xxxx
8th January 2016 at 10:19 pm #7320SugarParticipant
You are so brave! Well done. I have been so worried about you and have kept logging in to see if you were ok. My eyes filled with tears and I think that was relief when I read this post.
I know your brain must be in overdrive and the aftermath of leaving is really really hard. Your used to surviving, your used to constantly thinking of ways to stay safe. You are safe now and that feeling is unknown. I know what it’s like when your getting the constant messages going from I hate you to I love you. Try if you can just to not read them even if it’s for tonight. Just allow yourself a little time to come to terms with what’s just happened. If the anxiety gets too much maybe speak to the doctor and see if there’s anything you can have to relieve it a little.
You are such a brave woman and you deserve to be safe and away from harm. Biggest hugs I can give.
Love sugar x
8th January 2016 at 11:51 pm #7324
Thank goodness you are out of that life of misery. However you feel now at least you are free from this monster. I have been worried all day and thinking of you. Maybe, when you feel up to it, you could get a cheap phone – pay as you go type – and only give this number out to people who really need to contact.
Accept all the help you are offered in the coming weeks – it is vital for your recovery. It is hard initially but it does get better I promise.
KL x x x x
9th January 2016 at 12:57 am #7326SerenityParticipant
You are so brave.
We are all here to support you x
9th January 2016 at 1:07 am #7330
Sending support to you!! loads. and i hope when you have chance to come back here to read these lovely messages for you that you will really feel some comfort and reassurance in their words.
Hopefully you will have been provided with sufficient to get you through the weekend and you will have your own support worker on Monday to touch base with for any support or worries you have.
It can’t all be shaken off in one day, what with the upheaval and shock of the day’s events, but the peace and quiety and space you have now been given, whilst unfamiliar and strange to start with will become your normal, and will allow you the time to become free of the awful adrenaline feeling of being under constant threat of attack. It doesn’t all happen at once, but at least it can start now, and you might not feel you can truly rest or sleep just yet, but you have the space to start.
I was horribly jumpy for a long time, but take your time and use the invaluable supports around you now, and us here.
I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you can be out of pain very soon or at least on plenty of pain relief and you have the peace to recover in.
Look after yourself and only yourself, noone else matters now, now its all about you and your happiness and wellbeing.
warmest wishes and hope you keep posting for more support if you can xx
9th January 2016 at 8:38 am #7337
I hope you were able to get some rest last night xx
As you can see by the posts we all care so much about you xx
9th January 2016 at 9:41 am #7340
Thank you so much for your support- I feel overwhelmed and even though I haven’t met you all I feel like I know you.
I didn’t manage to sleep and first night I broke the rules by going and buying alcohol …. But I didn’t drink it.
He hasn’t left me alone and is now saying that he will be reporting our little girl missing to the police if I don’t take her back 😢
The strange thing is she hasn’t even asked for her dad which I’m so surprised about .
I keep thinks my what have I done – maybe he will change if I go back and am wrestling with myself at the mo and thinking I could get a rain back so that he sees our little girl or maybe return for the weekend to see how he is.
I know that social services will remove her if we go back, but they are not back until Monday!
I don’t know if to just leave her with her dad as I feel like I have nothing to offer her 😢
I know I’m dicing with death if I do go back …. But then I will be out of this nightmare xx
9th January 2016 at 9:45 am #7342
Sorry trying to type with a very cracked screen so can’t see very well – your comments and support is what is keeping me going and thank you for not judging me .
Silly spell check , I meant get a train back not rain xx
9th January 2016 at 10:10 am #7344
Well done for getting out. I know it’s very hard for you and frightening too. Ignore any threats from him. He will say anything to make you out to be the bad one.
Your daughter needs to be safe with her mum. Love and hugs from you is all she needs to feel secure. Belongings can be replaced.
Try to see the positive in nothing happening until Monday. It gives you today and tomorrow to yourself without all the questions from the authorities. It gives you time to bond more with your daughter. It gives you a little space to start healing emotionally and physically.
Don’t reply to his messages but do keep them as a record.
Keep posting here and ringing the helpline too. You will get through this. You’ve made the first step. Take each day at a time and remember that every hour that passes is another hour free from the torment and abuse.
You’re a survivor. And life will get better for you. (( Big hug)) for you and your precious daughter. Xx
9th January 2016 at 10:48 am #7347
no matter what he says… you don’t ‘have’ to do anything right now.
He is using every tool he knows to make you feel this way, to apply pressure, make you scared and its all working with his bombarding you.
only part of freedom is physical, the rest is mental, becausee they put prison bars in our minds, which with help you will remove for yourself.
No one is going to listen to him, just because he cant reach you for one day and that after all the documented evidence you have against him you have fled for the safety of you both.
I know it can feel impossible, but stepping away from your phone that he has tied you to, is the first step in having mental freedom to think for yourself.
Hold on until Monday when you can speak to staff. You could also call the helpline? it would be someone to actually speak to, and i’m sure they would give you massive supportive and admiration for the strength you have shown in leaving him behind, and stepping towards your own life.
9th January 2016 at 11:08 am #7349
Please do not take your baby back to him. He is a grown man and will be able to cope. Even if he does report her missing to the Police, they will already be aware that she is safe with you and that you have fled that awful man. I know it is hard and that we all want our babies to have a good relationship with their father… I’m a year down the line and stuck in a situation where all the agenices are telling me that he is emotionally damaging my children but I cannot stop their contact until the courts agree it… for you you have the advantage of being able to protect her now. I have felt so many times like I have jumped out of a burning building and left my babies too and I don’t want you to feel the same.
He will do and say anything right now to get you back, to him you are an investment, he was worked hard over the last few years creating him perfect partner who is willing to sit back and endure his abuse. He will NEVER change, not even slightly, and the reality is that he will only get worse.
Please switch that phone off and do not go near him. It is hard but we are all here with you. You’ve come this far do not cave now.
I’m proud of you x
9th January 2016 at 11:56 am #7352
I know it will be a long weekend but you and your daughter are in a safe place xx
He won’t contact the police as they are now fully aware of the situation.
Think of what he’s put you through would you want that for your daughter? By me staying because I was to scared to do get out my daughter now falls for abusive men. Sometimes we can’t have the strength to do things for our sake but we can for our children this thought might keep you strong xx
9th January 2016 at 2:23 pm #7362
So sorry ladies – I fell for the trap after 100’s tx and calls he told me something was wrong and I needed to phone urgently so I did 😢
He was saying to our little girl where are you where are you and that he missed her.
He then started crying to me and then changed and told me how angry he is with me and how could I do this and take his baby away.
Any so annoyed with myself I let him back into my head – he said he will move out Monday so we can move back home.!!!
This is harder than I ever imagined.
Thank you so much you lovely ladies- you are being my rock at the mo
9th January 2016 at 2:30 pm #7364
How very brave of you moon!
Please stay strong, ignore anything he says to you he will try every trick in the book. You and your daughter are safe thats all that matters. My perp called and text me when i left i ended up having him charged with harrassment and getting a restraining order. Just an idea.
Now is your time to heel and believe me it does gett a little easier with time. I didnt sleep well for a while, isnt it a strange feeling going to bed knowing you dont have to have sex.
Stay strong keep posting as much as you need to. We are all here for you.
If you want to chat you can always pm me sending ((hugs)) you are an amazing strong lady dont ever forget that.
9th January 2016 at 2:36 pm #7365
You don’t have to be sorry for anything. It is so so hard to break the control x weeks later i strugle sometimes.
But please please don’t fall for his lies. Don’t ever go back. It will be so much worse he wont have changed.
You CAN do this just take each day at a time. Xx
9th January 2016 at 3:04 pm #7367
Please do not be sorry. We all understand how hard it is and I’m sure many of us regrettably have done the same. He is still on your head, as he will continue to be for a while, and is doing everything he can to trap you again.
Please go no contact and do not listen to or fall for your lies. Do not let him take hold again or things will get worse.
Things are extremely tough for you right now but you have us and sarc and people at the refuge. We will get you through this. You will not regret leaving him. You have done the best thing for you and your baby.
I know the future seems very far off but in a years time where would you like to be? I doubt very much that you’re answer is ‘being abused’ but if he succeeds in enticing you back in you will be and it will be worse. But if you muster strength and go no contact and follow this through you will be well on your road to recovery. Take this strength from wherever you can and do not look back. We are here and will support you all the way x
9th January 2016 at 3:10 pm #7368
don’t worry that he has got to you with his emotional blackmail and threats and empty promises, its what makes it so difficult for all of us because they are continually dishonest, but we being honest think they must be speaking the truth, sadly 🙁
Difficult for us to believe that someone who’s supposed to love us can treat us this way, so it must be that its true, or he doesn’t love us?
I thought that was a really good idea to put the 100’s of texts to the police and ask them for advice, it only takes a pattern of behaviour (two incidents) to constitute a pattern to get an order against him, but knowing this doesn’t mean its something you are ready to do.
take care of you and your little one now.
9th January 2016 at 5:14 pm #7372
Thank you lovely ladies for your advice and support, I’m having a major wobble at mo and keep thinking if he says he is going to move out of our home Monday then we could go back to some form of normality.
Inneedofsomepeace I’m been desperately trying to reply to your pm but for some reason it keeps saying error sending message – I can read what you have sent but can’t reply 😢😢😀😢😢 or to anyone else, Lisa has looked into it but can’t find anything wrong.
Does anyone know anything about iPads/iphone?i had a message come up on my screen to say that my location is link to my iPad (which is at home)
Since that I’ve had no more tx/ phone calls which seems very suspicious to me -,am terrified he has picked up my location and is on his way 😢😢xx
9th January 2016 at 5:21 pm #7373
Not very technical but you should be able to turn location off. Maybe ask someone in the refuge, there is always someone that knows. May also be away of starting to talk. It may siund daft but i have made a really close friend whilst in refuge and that all start by offering her a cigarretre
9th January 2016 at 6:00 pm #7374
Moon, I would show that message to staff at the refuge. I don’t want to panic you but he may be able to trace your location. I don’t know how accurate these things are but worth running it past a member of staff. There’s no such thing as a coincidence when dealing with an abuser x
9th January 2016 at 6:01 pm #7375
Do not believe a word he says. My ex promised everything. It’s just a way to control you❤️
9th January 2016 at 6:34 pm #7377
there is no staff here until Monday, it wasn’t a tx message was a message thAt popped up on my screen.
The Sw just phoned to see how we were and I mentioned it to her and she said he has most prob got into my iPad at home and tried to find location – she reminded me we have cctv at hime so I just checked and his car has gone !! Stomach dropped !
She said he will not be able to get into property even if he does get here.
Will just watch our backs if we go out tomor !!
Ps so sorry for taking up most of posts just really need help and you ladies are the only ones that truly understand
9th January 2016 at 7:19 pm #7381
Go to the phone shop that is your contract supplier they were a great help to me and sorted it xx
No need for apologies we are here for each other and one day in the future you will be helping someone.
Please don’t go home tomorrow I fear for yours and your daughters safety xx
9th January 2016 at 7:52 pm #7383
You are doing so well, particularly as you have so much to cope with at the moment. Keep posting, we’re all here for you x
9th January 2016 at 8:07 pm #7387
Thank you – will try find a phone shop tomor
Am sure if he was coming he would have been here by now -haven’t heard anything since this afternoon …. Phew
My Little girl went straight to bed tonight not even in my room – and I’m actually sitting down watching tv – knowing I’m not going to be hurt inside or out tonight
Broken one rule got lil cup of vino on the go 😜🍷 oh well
Gonna survive tonight in the refuge because at home I never knew if I would survive until the nx day x*x
9th January 2016 at 9:34 pm #7391SugarParticipant
Well done you!! You’ve done it! You’ve made it threw the day! That’s what you need to do. One day at a time! You enjoy that glass of wine you 100% deserve it! Enjoy the tv and the fact that you are safe 😊 so proud of you 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘
9th January 2016 at 9:52 pm #7392lover of no contactParticipant
Well done Moon, you have been amazingly brave. Just take it one hour at a time. All you have to do is get through the next hour with ‘managing your feelings’ and ‘going no contact with him’. From now on try to not even look at his texts. Then you won’t know how many times he’s trying to text you. One hour at a time to try and not go near your phone, aim for today and tomorrow. Your phone is your enemy now as its his means of having contact with you. Your phone is his friend and your enemy. Break his means of getting into your head and affecting your mind and emotions by hiding your phone from you. Keep it for an emergency. But your phone is his weapon now to hurt you and continue his control over you.
Take the control back and don’t go near your phone, thus making HIM powerless.
10th January 2016 at 12:32 am #7398
Glad to hear u getting so much support on here from all ladies , please keep away From him and be on guard as he will try every trick in book to get u to contact him, post on here as much as u need and we wil try guide u, once u leave I think support from survivors on here is best support , sending u massive hug out,
10th January 2016 at 9:43 am #7403
You’ve made it this far Moon, please hold onto the good feelings you’ve had since you left. It takes enormous courage to leave, but it can be so tempting to go back to the security of what you know even if it was hell on earth.
But keep taking each hour at a time and reaching for the support that is there.
You and your precious daughter deserve to be free from the fear, treading on eggshells, control, pain and no life of your own.
He has caused all this and he will do anything to get back control. He’s not used to not being able to make you do exactly what he wants. Please stay safe.
Your new life starts now. This is your chance to truly break free and live how you want, as the woman you know you are inside, not the low life he made you feel like.
(((Hugs for you and your daughter))) xxxx
10th January 2016 at 10:28 am #7408
Thank you again for helping me through another difficult day 😀
Felt so rubbish last night as was disappointed in myself for answering phone so ended up having a bottle of wine 😢 Which is a no no for me at the moment.
Didn’t sleep again last night so that’s not helping.
Think I’m just in limbo at mo as haven’t really had to face anything as it’s the wkend so haven’t had to make any more steps.
Had no contact since yest afternoon don’t know if it’s been done on purpose as just keep thinking we could go home tomorrow as he has said he will move out ?
Think the adrenaline has now worn off. It’s so peaceful here am out in the fresh air with my little girl at the park.
But the thought of returning to familiarity is such a pull.
10th January 2016 at 11:44 am #7409
Well done at getting through another day xx
If he’s anything like mine words are cheap, he will change them to suit his self. Not rely on anything he says. Might be worth asking about a non mol order you can get it served upto ten days after an assault, that means he can’t come near you. It might mean he will have to leave the house.
But you may find you won’t want to be there. I use to love my home now I just see places he abused me.
Also not knock yourself self for answering the phone we are program to jump when they call. Just learn by it you know you will only get trouble.
I have also been advised its best not to drink alcohol at the moment for my safety not easy bit worth it in the long run.
Good luck getting through today so proud of you xx
10th January 2016 at 12:27 pm #7411LisaMain Moderator
It is completely normal sometimes to be tempted to go back just to feel ‘normal’, but you are working to build a new normal, a normal which is safe and positive so try and focus on that. You will get there but as you know it takes time.
Don’t worry too much about the wine, everyone has slip ups and now you know that you need to go back to avoiding it. You are making such amazing steps and truly are an inspiration to all the women on here. Keep pushing forward and avoid that phone.
10th January 2016 at 5:19 pm #7422
I’m so pleased you’ve got through the day. Sleep will come, don’t put too much pressure on yourself you have made a huge step and need to take time to adjust and start building yourself up again. It will happen x
10th January 2016 at 5:44 pm #7424
I am feeling exhausted today and really intense with my little girl, think it’s because we had been together 24/7 just need mins to process things.
And then I feel bad for wanting time away from her.
He has kept his promise and not contacted me anymore (he said until Monday) so maybe he will keep his promise and move out.
Just want to go home to familiarity and my friends and my little girl asked to go home for the first time today.
I feel like a failure as I’m struggling to cope and want to go home.
Maybe things will work out if I return ?
10th January 2016 at 5:46 pm #7425
Also struggling as I’m normally constantly cleaning or trying to keep everything perfect for him – it’s like he’s still he but not !
I’m just not sure I’m strong enough for a this life changing 😢
10th January 2016 at 5:57 pm #7427
Hi Moon, you’re doing so well. I know exactly how you feel. Don’t go back till you have an exclusion order or a non mol. Have you spoken to a solicitor? This is breaking a drug habit. You crave what you feel is your normal. But it’s not normal. He will promise you the earth, as mine did. It’s just a lying game to trap you back in the cycle of abuse. Your little one is looking to you for protection. To show her it’s not normal or acceptable to be abused. Please stay strong and break the cycle. Get out and walk with your daughter. Walk till that nervous energy you used to clean with goes. I spent hours cleaning just because I though it would stop the abuse. But he just changed the goal posts and abused me about something else. You deserve so much better x
10th January 2016 at 6:43 pm #7435
Moon, KIP is right. This is about breaking old habits. It is so hard when you have no sense of normal after making such a huge step but as KIP says do not go back until you are protected. Yes he appears to have kept his promise so far but only because he wants to kill you into a false of security. If you go back without protection you will be in danger.
It is completely normal to want some thinking space away from your daughter but I remember the same sense of guilt. You need to look after yourself and have mental and physical breaks where you can.
You are strong enough to do this. We’re all here x
10th January 2016 at 6:44 pm #7436
*lull not kill – sorry phone predictive txt xx
10th January 2016 at 6:52 pm #7440
Keep strong. You can do it 🙂
10th January 2016 at 7:23 pm #7441
I’m trying so hard to be strong and one minute that’s how I feel and then bam I feel completely different !
He txd and asked if he could say goodnight to his daughter and so I rung him and he said nothing to me just goodnight and he missed her.
I feel so bad and maybe I blown this all out of proportion 😢
He was getting abit better so mayb I should have hung on abit longer ????
Sorry to anyone that’s pm me I tired to reply as needed some help with things I can’t post but it’s so temperamental – I’m not ignoring xx
10th January 2016 at 7:48 pm #7447
Please don’t fall for his promises i don’t think he will mive out and if he did he’d be back.!!
I am guessing reading between the lines your daughter is a similar age to my son. For a while after i left i couldnt put him down when i did he had to be able to see me. He would scream and scream. Now although he screams when i leave him It’s only for a xouple of minutes he will play in a different room to me and never asks after his dad. Children are so resiliant and from what give seen with .y two and other children they adapt much quicker than us!
You will soon get into a routine. Don’t go back talk to the staff tomorrow. You are building a safe and better future for you and your daughter.
Maybe in time you could meet your friends somewhere.
I still find myself doing things how he would want me to or not doing things brcause it would anno him but it does get easier. Sometimes now i catch myself doibg things and then think after. A few weeks ago a threw all my clothes out that were red because he used to make me were red!
Keep posting you are doing so well. Btw i sent you a message earlier.
10th January 2016 at 7:56 pm #7448
I think your injuries prove that you haven’t blown things out of proportion.
He is only improving to get you back he knows that he has been found out and will do anything to get you back under control.
Today I was going through my things and I found a diary from over two decades ago I open it and the first thing I read was “….. was better today, but its to late I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know how to get out.
I think this shows they don’t change they just improve for a while to keep you under control.
10th January 2016 at 9:11 pm #7454
Omg you have all been my rock this wkend- so wouldn’t have survived without each and everyone of you support and advice.
I feel like I’m droning on so am sorry.
I feel like I have some tough decisions to make tomor –
I still so want it to work out at home and for us all to have the family unit that I have always dreamed of.
I feel like the bad one In this because I have made the decision to split up the family!!
I will talk to staff tomor and Sw is coming to visit us – just feel that the future is scarier because I knew my home life and had accepted it for so long
10th January 2016 at 9:22 pm #7457
You are not the bad one who has ‘made the decision to split up the family’! His actions split up the family. In order to protect your child you HAD to leave. Think about the advice you would give a friend in this situation. Your child must come first. He may kill you next time as abuse only gets worse – what about your child then. If you go back your child will be taken into care and you will possibly lose her forever. No man is worth that.
Please do not make the decision to go back to your house yet. You have time now to recover and think, if you go back all your power will be removed. It is incredibly hard leaving BUT it does get better.
Take care and big hugs x x x x
10th January 2016 at 9:23 pm #7458foggyhereParticipant
It completely resonates with me you statement about wanting it to work out and have the family unit you always dreamed of. It sounds as though you’ve invested a lot of energy into that dream, and I know it’s hard to let go. Remember, it wasn’t you that caused that unit to not work, it was him and the terrible choices he made in how to behave towards you. What he did to you was horrendous and in no way acceptable under any circumstances. The others are right – you cannot go back and be able to trust him to change his dreadful behaviour.
You have been incredibly brave to leave, and you have set a brilliant example of strength and courage to your daughter. Yes, there is a long road now to recovery and rebuilding your life, but you have started it now, and it is something you will need to go through to be safe, so now is the time to do it. It is the start of a new chapter, and if I was a betting woman I’d bet that when you look back on this time and see that your worst day after you left him was better than your best day of being with him since the abuse started.
Take care, you are an amazing woman to do what you gave done
10th January 2016 at 9:32 pm #7461
Hang on in there tight,
You need to stay put, returning home really isn’t the safe or sensible option,
As the other ladies have said you can’t go back home without a lot of things being set up to protect you and support you, and you can’t just go back home because that looks to the social services that you haven’t tried long and hard enough to protect yourself.
See what happens there tomorrow when support staff are back and can sit down with you and talk through your concerns , options etc face to face.
Moon, of course he is now saying he will move out,they are all so predictable,
He must see that if he says this, you will be tempted to return for the sheer reason you gave, and then instead of you being away and outside his control and reach , you are back and he can once again exert his influence.
You really need to sit on your hands rather than give in to his attempts to contact you, he now knows you have gone, realistically what did he expect after the last serious assault, I wonder , but then I guess he thought he had instilled enough fear into you, and misjudged your bravery and fight to keep your previous daughter with her mother where she belongs, and my guess is he is more concerned about what is likely to happen to him and how to stop that, or turn that back onto you than how you are recovering, feeling etc.
Please don’t be fooled, moon , he would have to really change and prove long term he has changed before you ever are in the same room as him again,
Think back to the horrors since just before Christmas and how no one should ever treat anyone like that in the first place,
I always feel harsh moon, but please understand that i don’t mean to , I just want to leave you in no doubt as to what you risk,
Please get all the help and support you can, and please think, post and talk things through, don’t make any impulsive or rash decisions,
Your safety,p and your daughter’s security trump everything else,
Sending you love and strength moon,
Well done for getting through this hard weekend,
X x x
10th January 2016 at 10:20 pm #7470
Love you all
And I sooo hope I don’t let you all down X xx
10th January 2016 at 10:33 pm #7471
I’m such a looser have had a drink again tonight 😢😢😢😢😢
I just want to phone him now and speak to him 😢😢
Double looser I know !!!! Xx
10th January 2016 at 10:39 pm #7473
Hi there, instead of phoning, write him a letter. (Don’t send it) Or better still. Write down all the bad things he’s done to you. Start at the beginning and write down how they made you feel. Abusers only want to get close enough to slap us. He will stomp on your heart again. Stay strong X. Are you keeping a journal. It’s good to get things out on paper👍
10th January 2016 at 10:44 pm #7474
Having a major wobble right now- almost want to justify with him why I left – maybe I seeking his approval ( crazy)
I’m just sooo emotionless right now and maybe if I started to recall ALL what he had done then I might not cope. 😢😢😢xx
I’m going from anger to love in a heartbeat !! Xx
10th January 2016 at 10:57 pm #7480
Hey there, don’t phone him, especially not tonight,
He could and I fear would use that against you,
Remember him at that last hard meeting you had to go to, lying and twisting things,
Snuggle up in bed, knowing your are safe from harm again tonight and tomorrow, you will have a support session hopefully, so will get the face to face reassurances that you are doing the right thing.
Ps you are not letting us down, and we know how hard it is and what a whole range of emotions you are going through right now, hang on in there tight moon,
X x x
10th January 2016 at 11:01 pm #7481
Yes Moon, snuggle up and feel safe. Things will be better tomorrow. These feelings will pass x
11th January 2016 at 7:40 am #7492
Hope u feeling ok ,please don’t go back to him cause u want the family unit ,it will destroy u and your girl , I myself tried for decades thinking kids need there dad ,kids don’t need dads like that , he broke the family unit with his behaviour, u don’t have to tolerate behaviour like that , be strong and make the right decisions to protect u and your daughter, Everytime u miss him remember what he did with the bleach, these men are not remorseful yet why we crave them ,i think it’s trauma bonding , deep down they r very evil , I had to force myself everyday to remember how he hurt me to break the contact and cycle of missing him,it is hard and long but with support on
Here u can get through it, ladies on here guided me so much when I left , don’t fall for his guilt tricks or tears
12th January 2016 at 12:24 am #7564MarthamooParticipant
I have finally had chance to catch up on all your posts and have looked back at your historic ones. Honestly I could weep. I can’t believe what he has put you through. Please, please please don’t give in to him. Whilst you are away from him you are both safe. There is nothing stronger than the bond between a mum and her daughter and he will never be able to break or compete with that. Your girl needs YOU. You are the most important person in her life. You are the one that can show her what life should be like. A life when you can be free and live without fear. I know sometimes it may seem like an impossible dream but it really can happen. You have so much to fight for.
Your husband should be ashamed of what he has done to you. Don’t allow him to blame anything on you. Keep posting on here and really listen to the advice you get from SS, DV worker, staff at the refuge etc. They have seen this time and time again and are best placed to advise you. They will know how to keep you safe.
I think most women with children who suffer at the hands of their partner, stay because they are in love with the idea of the family unit and what that could be if things changed. The hope we have for that happy normal family holds us tighter than anything else to these horrible men. By leaving you are making steps to provide that loving family unit for your daughter. You don’t need a man to make that unit complete. In time, your friends, old and new, will become part of your family unit and you will gain strength, support and love from them. You will be able to live your life the way you want and be the mum you want to be.
My granddad (Mum’s dad) was abusive towards my Nana and for a long time she lived a life of misery. My dad was abusive towards my mum and mentally abused me for years. I ended up marrying an abusive man, and living a life very similar to the life my mum had. My husbands mum and dad had a very volotile abusive relationship. I am determined to break the cycle for the sake of my children. I do not want my daughter to think that this is ‘normal’ life and grow up to think that men are allowed to treat us this way. Equally I don’t want my son to grow up and become a younger version of his Dad.
I have the up most respect for you and think that you are a remarkable lady. We are all rooting for you on here and so want you to be happy and safe and free xx
12th January 2016 at 7:51 am #7583
Hope u ok haven’t heard from u since weekend, u don’t need to justify yourself to him, he knows he hurt u and that’s why u left, please remember why u left to keep away from him, yes it does hurt and drinking seems a good way to forget it, u r mentally tired, focus on u got out hun, with support and help u will be ok, try and break all contact with him even break contact with kids , tell him he has hurt u and u need time to recover, if his missing his girl he should of thought about that b4 he hurt u, tough if its not fair what happened to u wasnt fair either, its normal to be fienone minute then upset next min, only takes a thought to trigger us off, next time u feel like calling him put a post on here instead, we will support u we have been through it, i know how hard it is, i myself struggle with no contact and did it in small bits but what help me was ladies on here telling me everytime i felt i miss himi ask myself why after all the horrible things he had done why miss a person like that, its trauma bonding, but rembering what they did and admititng to yourself it was wrong does keep u away, have self respect for yourself hun, thats the first thing they take away from us and make us feel worthless and that we deserved it, we didn’t deserve there cr*p treatment
12th January 2016 at 8:03 am #7585Doglover99Participant
Hi Moon. I hadn’t logged on for a few days so didn’t know that you had gone to the refuge. When I read your original posts I was horrified at the way your husband was treating you and really did feel that you should leave straight away. I am so glad that you took the courage and left and found a place at a refuge. It must have been such a hard decision to make but it most definitely is the right thing for you and your daughter. Please don’t even think about going back to him. He’s a monster who doesn’t deserve you or your daughter.
You are doing the right thing, please try and stick with it. I haven’t gone through anything like you, mine has been mainly emotional abuse, so can’t even imagine what it must have been like for you. It will take time to get used to being out of it and feel safe. I do think the refuge is the right place for you right now where there are people around you who can help. Would you feel safe going back home? Would he attempt to come to the house? You need to think of your safety right now and to me going back to the house doesn’t feel safe. If he has left and you do go back, please make sure you change the locks.
You have been so incredibly brave to leave. That is the first step and once you have had time to readjust and think clearly you will know it was the right thing to do. Give it time and give yourself the space to think and feel normal again.
Keep strong and we are all so proud of you. Big hugs. xx
12th January 2016 at 9:47 pm #7642
I hope you have been ok. No matter how are you feeling, just know at least someone here will have felt the same at some point. We are all here to help if and when you need us x
13th January 2016 at 7:29 am #7659
Just wondering if you are ok? Please know we are all here for you. You do not have to justify your actio s choices and decisions to either him us or anyone else.
13th January 2016 at 6:33 pm #7697
Are you OK? We haven’t heard anything for a few days from you. I , and I am sure others, would like to know you are OK.
KL x x x
13th January 2016 at 10:31 pm #7713
We are all here to support you, you cannot let us down, there is no pressure from us for you to do anything. You choose, its all your choice once you are out, and your choice to go back, all we will ever do is be here for you no matter what your choices.
You do not have to post but if you are reading wherever you are i hope you are feeling that there is support here no matter what. I just wanted to come to send you some warmth and hopes for better for your and your daughter. A better life and i hope you have been able to get support in real life as the first weekend in Refuge can be a real shocker completely unrooted and ungrounded in a strange place trying to understand whats going on.
but as i say, no matter what, we are here for you and will continue to be.
warmest wishes KS x*x
14th January 2016 at 7:25 pm #7745
Sorry it’s taken a while to reply. Been a really difficult week. We are still in refuge and my little girl has settled in so well and hasn’t asked for anyone or anything which has really surprised me – she just seems like a little girl at mo so relaxed and has her bounce back 😀
Had a bad day Tuesday and decided to pack a bag and head home in the morning but didn’t get there as received a call from Sw to say if I didn’t return to refuge police would be involved and I wasn’t safeguarding my daughter.
Glad I didn’t as most prob wouldn’t still be around if I did !
For the first time yesterday I just wanted to breathe !! And felt OK – just feel like I need time to think about my next decisions and just relax for a few days – it’s sooooo nice putting key in door and having no knot in stomach and not having to rush home to make sure house perfect. We have had so much fun exploring and going to the park etc, my little girl is amazing 😀
Had lots of txs phone calls etc making me feel bad and saying he wanted her this wkend but I haven’t done what he has asked me !!!
I’m not ready and I don’t trust he will return her.
Am going to take the next few days to actually realise we are out of this nightmare and I want to find me again !
He had said he will move out so we can come back and doesn’t want to go through courts etc – Sw won’t let us home until we have orders in place to protect us…… But I’m not even sure I want to return now and that’s why I need time to make right decision .
I’m not sure that he will want payback for what I have done 😢
He says he doesn’t care about me only his daughter – haven’t even thought that my relationship is over aswell – don’t think anything feels real yet .
Had to go back to docs today re injuries as had lots of pain last night and been told I’ve got deep tissue burns and may need to go to burns unit so Gotta go bk to docs tomor.
Just want to start healing now inside and out
Sorry for long post and thank you soooo much your support is what is keeping me going and your kind words and hugs
14th January 2016 at 7:44 pm #7748White RoseParticipant
Reading your recent post you sound so much more in control and stronger!
I’m so pleased your little one is more settled and relaxed, think of her when you feel like running back to him.
Good luck with your doctors and I hope the police get him for the dreadful injuries he has caused you x*x
14th January 2016 at 10:03 pm #7752
Thank you for the update, your doing so well under such pressure.
We are all rooting for you
14th January 2016 at 10:44 pm #7753
I am so relieved to hear from you and so so pleased that you have stuck in there. It sounds like you are mentally in a better place at the moment. Just remember we are all here if you need us x
14th January 2016 at 11:24 pm #7756
Thanks for fantastic update moon,
It’s so true how time away gives you the needed “space ” outside the all consuming situation to rest,recover and make your decisions,
And may there be many more YOU/R
X x x
Ps, lovely to read about your daughter,seens like a huge weight off such young shoulders knowing her mummy’s safe, well done,
X x x
I for one will sleep better tonight knowing you are out of harms way,
No rushed decisions needed re child contact visits,
Time needed by all I feel
X x x
14th January 2016 at 11:55 pm #7757
Thank goodness for that. I have been so worried about you. Take each day as it comes. I hope the doctors help you x
15th January 2016 at 7:26 am #7764Doglover99Participant
I’m so pleased to hear that you’re doing well and your daughter is already showing signs of being happier. If you feel this much better after just a few days, imagine what you will feel like in a week’s, month’s time when you’ve had time to reflect and realise that you are in a safe place now and you can concentrate on you and your daughter.
Spend time on yourself now, listen to social services, they are obviously sufficiently worried for your safety to tell you not to go back to the house. And I think reading between the lines, you know it too, to keep you safe you need to stay away from him. He’s done awful things to you and now you need the time for yourself to recover both physically and mentally and then you can start making long term decisions. You are in a safe place now. Take your time, however long it may take, to recover and find yourself again.
You’re doing so well. You’re a strong lady, you can do it. Keep safe. xx
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