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I recently split from my husband after a long marriage. I feel half a person. I always knew something wasn’t right with our relationship. I would give he would take. He would play games daily like asking about my day etc only to cut me off halfway to talk about himself, he would then leave the room looking pleased with himself. He would make a point of pretending to not understand me as if I talk another language, he cut eventually cut me off from my family and friends, constant accusations about bring unfaithful, sordid remarks saying I smell like (you know what). He put down everything I did, it was never good enough. He’d wait til I was busy doing something gardening for example then constantly call for me to come look at random stuff on TV for example, or halfway upstairs then call me down only to have ‘ten’ ‘forgotten’ what he wanted. The list is endless. He would say things and deny saying them, do things and deny it happened then call me delusional. He convinced me I had a mental condition (I don’t). He messaged other women, playing the poor misunderstood husband. I could go on and on.
He is charming, fun and popular on the outside and this is all behind closed doors. I’m not sure anyone believes me, I feel shame and humiliation still at how ive been living. He’s still trying to manipulate me thru the kids, getting them to join in the name calling. I’m scared I’ll never get thru this, that my girls will be damaged by him, he scares me. How can one person have two completely different personalities? -
It’s one personality and that one is abusive. The other one is a huge act. Oscar winning. Your ex sounds just like mine. Total no contact for him and boundaries for your children. If they name call, they get told in no uncertain terms that it is very cruel and very hurtful to name call and only a nasty person would do that. Bat the ball right back. You will get through this but you have to play the long game. Make sure everything is done to minimise contact. Do contact through a third party reading his emails for you. Use a contact book for the kids.Be strong and set a good example for your children x
You have a right not to be abused. You are not with him anymore. Don’t let him in your head x -
Thank you. It helps to know I’m not alone and someone knows what I mean. I know he keeps telling the girls that I made daddy go away and be sad and lonely. I did, but only because I couldn’t take anymore.
I’ll try the third party thing for contact because frankly the abuse just continues.
I’ve spoken to the girls about name calling. But it’s what he’s always done in front of them disguising it as a ‘joke’. Another favourite game of his. Its going to take some deprogramming I think. -
You sound strong enough to sort it out. There is a book called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. It explains about abusers and why they behave the way they do. My ex used to humiliate me and then say it was a joke. They get a perverse pleasure from seeing us struggle and fail. You don’t need that in your life. Once your confidence returns you will be able to kick him into touch. Meantime concentrate on no contact. Block numbers or change phones. Or buy a cheap phone for emergencies and leave it with the person dealing with your emails. No contact means no mind games X stay strong because when you realises he’s losing control, that’s when he will up his game. He needs boundaries too and you need to stick to them X
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What you have described is so similar to what I went through and it’s horrible. My partner was the life and soul of the party away from me. He was generous with his time. Although if u look closer possibly a bit insecure and a need to be telling the jokes, never ever the but if the jokes. In the end my life had a running commentary of constant critisism under the guise of “helping”. He never physically did anything at home to help after we moved in together, would just critisise everything I did and tell me constantly all I had to do was ask for help. I didn’t feel I could. I shouldn’t have to ask if he could possibly make himself something to eat for once or perhaps put his clothes in the washing machine. He’d mock me and my children and tell us we had no sense of humour if we objected. i became a nervous depressed wreck unable to do the simplest of tasks after being an independent, full time working mum who always took care of everything herself I couldn’t do anything because I knew everything I did was wrong. He’d talk about things being too much for my tiny brain so I should listen to his advice. I’m university educated, have a job where lives are literally on the line and yet he’d comment on my tiny brain and inability to function. i still wonder if he was maybe right all along. Yet when I read your post it’s very clear to me your husband is at fault not you. They chip away at your core self so that everything you believed to be true is gone and all your left with is their voice. It’s wrong and regardless of who thinks what you need to know it’s wrong. This is still something I’m getting my head around so I know it’s not easy. Please know you are not alone. They want you to feel you are. If they fool people they feel it gives them more power over you. As if other people give validation to the person they pretend to be. You know the person you are living with and you know the effect that is having on you. You also know that your partner should lift you up not drag down. Be kind to yourself and take care. X*x
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Hi Little Bird,
I went through the very same. My ex was very good at mental and emotional abuse. He loved to humiliate me and ridicule me, and he did this also to my eldest son. He had started to do it to my youngest, too.
Somebody once said on this forum that abusers abuse because they think they can. I think it’s true. They know – or think- we are all-forgiving, gullible, naive, that we love them beyond anything and will always tolerate whatever they throw at us.
The reason we put up with it, of course, is because they have confused us. We are desperately trying to work out how they can be like that, when they have claimed to love us.
I think abusers respect few people. I think my ex respected people who were tough and he seemed to like people with questionable morals. He seemed to have no respect for goodness. I think our abusers abuse us because they are lacking in respect.
I think I have made my ex sit up and respect me more than he ever did by outing him and blocking him from my life. I fought him in court, I exposed his abuse and he was a quivering, red-faced wreck. Yes, he has tried to abuse me since but I’ve held my power- and no contact is my saving grace.
Your abuser sounds like a sadistic, cruel man- very much like my ex. There is no changing them. They are born twisted. The only way to deal with them is to be ruthless and tough- that is the truth.
Having said all his, I very much appreciate your pain. I suffered from dreadful PTSD and still have to fight it. You aren’t alone- we are all here for you.
These men are sick.
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I can identify with every post here. My ex was calm, collected, cool, never angry and never ever argued. But he had an inner need to control everybody. Like Escaped Not Free, I am a confident professional woman holding down a really difficult stressful job and have done this for many years. By the time we split up I was ready to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I had never experienced severe mental health problems before but felt that he got so deep into my psyche, we split 6 months ago and still I feel that he pulls my strings. Regular features after the obsessive and full on love bombing which hooked me: lies, withholding information, ignoring me, silent treatment, unreliability, mixed messages, mind games, never apologizing, never admitting fault, blaming me for everything, subtle critism, cryptic messages, gas lighting, finding out my vulnerabilities and then subtley using these later. I could go on and on.
Dear Littlebird, you might find these resources helpful, they have certainly helped me. Plus this forum, without it I would have had a very different outcome. This forum and all of research on covert emotional abuse helped me so much.
20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative N*********s, Sociopaths And Psychopaths Use To Silence You30 Covert Emotional Tactics in Personal Relationships
Invisible Chains by Lisa Aronson Fontes
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Thank you everybody, I feel a bit more real? Like im not the only one. Its all so subtle you start to doubt yourself don’t you? You gave no way of explaining what you’re living. My head is a screwed in mess I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. But I will take your advice and try the links and references youve given me. I’ve referred myself to counselling and fingers crossed they can help me too x*x
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Hi Itshisproblem I can relate so much to your comments, I could have written them and I have said that so much on here…..this blog has been my life saver, educating myself to these manipulators…
I too am a professional woman, yet this man was able to get into my mind and mix it up so much that I could not think….I too had some really bad days that I didn’t want to exist any-more and just wanted it to stop and still have some days like that…….today I feel I have eventually started to let him go, I have completed my forms for divorce so taking back some of my respect and autonomy…..I know I may be facing some more bad days when he finds out…..
I had my counselling yesterday and he said what is the quickest way from A to B? I thought for a while and couldn’t answer, the reason being I always go round in circles trying to make excuses for him…..well no more he isn’t worth it……my attachment is, the lost dreams and being on my own I think rather than my lost love for him, I remember the man I married not the man I see before me now…..he deserves everything that he gets, although I have a sense he will always come up smelling of roses!! xx
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Yes you doubt yourself hugely. The very core of your soul is affected by all of this.Once you have left then you will have a different set of challenges on your hands. Please do look at the links, they will really help you see a bit through all of the fog. Being out of this type of relationship is so much better than being in it. To get involved with an emotionally abusive man is devastating long term. My life is calmer and more positive without him in it. Though I have mental scars and chains which I feel keep me attached allthough we do not see or speak any more. This forum is fantastic for sorting through all of that, but it takes time. X*X (try to spend a lot of time on here, reading the posts, they will give you guidance. There was one yesterday on coercive control which you may like. My ex was big, huge into coercive control. His goal from the start was to get into my mind and affect it. The books by HG Tudor on Amazon might help you too.
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Dear Hoodwinked and Little Bird,
I am coming to realize that domestic abuse which is minus physical, hitting punching etc, is really quite intricate, planned and calculated over the long term. These abusers seem to know human psychology and how to work with that. it is highly cunning and clever. I have over the last few days had a realization which I feel has really helped me to understand why I have felt the way that I have since we split. The damage done by emotional abuse is devastating, once you have split it is case of backtracking slowly to feel normal again and then one day you may see, feel or hear something that makes you say ‘Yes, that is what it is’. I am learning that it would help me to separate his text messages (over 2000 in total) to our face to face interactions and times spent together. This then enables me to assess more clearly what I was dealing with. My ex was decidedly average, possibly even below average, no looker, not that intelligent or skilled. It just did not make sense that I thought he was like a supreme god and that I had lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I could not put my finger on why I felt that. I think that I may have found the answer to that now. You will too, when the time is right. The answer to your freedom. X*X
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