I’ve stepped things up but was I right to do it?

[DesperateHousewife101]

It’s hard to know where this post should go.. General discussion, Bad day or Positive moments!

I took the decision to involve the police. I am nervous about where things go from here.

A bit of back story, I told my ex I want a divorce after years of abuse, which I only just opened my eyes to. I had tried in vain to get our marriage back on track, attempting to work through sexual coercion and emotional abuse being the two main areas, but ultimately it wasn’t to be.

We have gone into worse territory now, with my (soon to be) ex now controlling and coercing worse than ever. He recently tried to stop me going out with a friend he believes I’m having an affair with. He reached out to my friend, and then his wife to make all kinds of accusations as to the state of our relationship. He then threatened further action if I were to see him again. He has tried to block me from getting a babysitter, refused to show up to look after the kids as he’d promised and has gone through my personal belongings to find leverage to use against me.

I’ve felt hugely threatened by all of this, on my own behalf, that of my children and their wellbeing, and my friend and his marriage.

So I took the decision to involve the police, mostly just to log his behaviour as it’s getting out of control. We are still living in the same house so it’s hugely tricky (detail removed by Moderator)

I’m trying to reconcile all this. Should I have just let him work through his anger? I acknowledge he may not come out of this for some time as he has taken on massive emotional and financial injury here, everything he’s worked for, etc etc. Now I’ve gone and involved the police. I guess I just need a place to vent.

[Lisa]

Hi DesperateHousewife101,

You felt threatened and you did what you needed to do to keep yourself and your children safe. That was the right decision for you right now. There isn’t anyone who can tell you what you should do in this situation, it’s really important that you’re the one in control of those decisions, but you deserve support and you deserve to feel safe.

His behaviour isn’t about working through anger. Abusers escalate their behaviour to try and keep their power and control when they feel that it’s threatened; it’s why leaving can be such a dangerous time. He is in control of and chooses his behaviour, you wouldn’t have needed to go to the police had he not been choosing to perpetrate a crime against you. You don’t owe him your safety or wellbeing for any reason.

If you haven’t already, you might find it helpful to reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Sad and alone]

I admire you so much! It takes so much strength to do what you’ve done – taken the step to break away, managing to remain in the same house, and involving the police when you felt you needed to. Nothing wrong in logging this, it just goes on as info, and is there to protect you and as evidence should you need it.

I can’t imagine how hard it must be living in the same place, or how it even works. It must be incredibly difficult. Living with someone as a partner and enduring the abuse is one thing, but having to put up with it from someone who you are disconnecting from is another. I hope your path to true freedom becomes clearer and achievable soon xx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Just letting someone ‘work through their anger’ sounds like such a harmless idea dosen’t it.
I’ve got a lot of anger at the moment. That someone has sabotaged my life and left me with nothing. That I’ve had my character ripped to shreds even though I’m a nice person. That someone used and abused my good nature.
Sometimes I’m so angry that I think my head is going to blow off.

I still haven’t considered the possibility of taking it out on someone else though. I haven’t decided to ruin a child’s life, or starve a puppy to death, or mentally flay my new boyfriend.

I’m just having to live with my anger like an adult.

I think you would do that too, and you probably will.

Why is he any different.

Good luck with this. I think you’ve done the right thing. I offer my heartfelt support to you. Xx

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate that validation. This is SUCH a process on so many levels. I think having been in an abusive relationship for so long I am massively codependent and have really struggled to rely on my own footing and c0nviction as I navigate this alone. I’m doing the work though when I can. This is a quieter week abuse-wise and I’m not under constant verbal attack so I’ve been able to take a breather.

Thank you all again. Appreciate the support as ever x

[Eyeswideopen]

So, so proud of you! I really admire your courage, it’s so hard to decide which way to go… how did he react, or did you just inform the police for awareness?

I had a very very similar situation, I called the police once, they came to my house and told him if I called again, they’d take him in. But then, after improving a bit, he escalated the abuse, made me delete all about the police incident, got physically abusive, and all the while saying if i went to the police again, I wouldn’t want to see what someone with nothing to lose is capable of. I started to fear for my life, really… and was really unsure the police or a restraining order could keep me safe, as it’s not forever, and his hate and bitterness towards me is definitely forever, and it’d just add to the list of reasons to hate me and wanting to see me dead. It was much harder because we still shared the fam home at tge time…

Eventually when he moved out, he still tried to get in my house, kicked me once, and then I decided to put me in the DA and police flagging system, put cameras on the house, and had an uncle spend a few weeks with me, so he had to back off. Since then its been better, but a long journey, and I’m still fearful at times.

So, just to say, I wish I had just called the police again… I was just too afraid because of kids, but mostly was protecting him, feeling sorry, hoping he’d see what he was doing and get better…. which won’t happen 🙁

 

[DesperateHousewife101]

Oh goodness me, Eyeswideopen. I’m so sorry about what you’ve gone through and are continuing to go through. Sending you all my love and support.

[DesperateHousewife101]

And to answer your question, I asked the police not to speak to him, so he doesn’t know about that but I’m glad to have it logged. The police did turn up at the house the following morning after I submitted my concerns – fortunately he was out though I felt completely terrified.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I have a very strong feeling that they are going to do their worst no matter what we do.

Reading your comment EyesWideOpen made me realize that I too have spent years trying to appease him and it hasn’t worked.

it just means that I didn’t tell anyone about it and  don’t have any official records of what happened.
Even times when I was doing absolutely nothing that could possibly be perceived as unfair or unpleasant, ( I was just a Steptford Wife, nice, smiley, pleasant, pliable) he still managed to find a reason to be abusive and vindictive.

They will find a reason no matter what you do.

I also believe that consequences are the only thing they respond to. So letting them continually get away with no consequences to their action just makes them worse.

[DesperateHousewife101]

I think you’re right. If we go against them we’re potentially in dire straits. As for the stepford wife bit – that’s the thing that makes it so hard to understand from the outside: people think everything is dandy, because we put on face. Until we stop!

[Tian]

Ah, ours was the perfect family apparently…..until I spoiled it all by calling the police and telling them the truth. I “broke up our lovely family” so I’m told – but at least I’m safe now.

We all deserve to feel safe in our own homes and if we don’t, we have the right to do something about it.

Stay strong xx

[Author]

Posts