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This is all I’m getting off My partner as I’m not accepting his declarations of love and wanting to ‘try’ again. I’m really struggling and to be honest i am getting a bit mean. It isn’t me but I’m so sick and tired now. I’ve done a bit of reading and read about reactive abuse. I can feel myself being really angry. He just keeps saying to me I’ve changed, I’m horrible or I’m a b***h etc etc…
I think I’m definitely done this time. My mental health is definitely suffering! Any advice x
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i also had ‘youve changed’. and i wish id have asked ‘in what way?’ at the time. but when i think back to this comment i truly believe ‘me changing’ was purely because i wasnt falling for all his attempts at manipulating me anymore
and yes they can get quite nasty when you arent doing what they want so please keep yourself as safe as possible. your partner is only calling you names because he feels he is losing control. and maybe you have already noticed, but you might get a completely different version of him next time if theres any contact
you are right to consider the effect all this is having on your mental health so i do hope you have some support in place
stay strong & stay safe especially when they can be so unpredictable at this stage x
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No you’re not a horrible person, you’re someone who has seen the light.
Another person who had all this right here. I didn’t change, i remembered who I was and stopped being who he wanted. They want to grind us down until we fall back into line, stay strong. And stay safe as they can be volatile at this stage. As horrible as it is right now, it means you’re on the right path to escape x
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Thankyou for your comments. I have definitely seen the light and I’m having trouble unseeing it. Can i ever unsee it? I’m having overwhelming sadness today with alot of crying!
I’m thinking am I doing the right thing? An escape seems so scary to me right now as this is so real this time!! He’s actually told me he will help me move my things out of the house.
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Can you unsee it? Nope. You can be maybe deny/ignore it but you’ll always see it. When you lose trust do you ever fully trust that person again? Maybe 50-80% but never 100%.
sorry to hear you’ve had a big fight, hope you’re ok. Big thing to note ‘he says it’s my fault’…aren’t they 2 in your relationship, hasn’t he played a part, isn’t it his actions making you feel this way?! Remember all that. In abuse they have to be the victim, have no accountability and take no responsibility. In a ‘normal’ relationship you fight, maybe say stuff but then come together awards, apologise, discuss, compromise. He will never ever change. That person you crave was the fake version, this nasty person is the real him. It’s scary and horrible to accept but even if, best case scenario, he’s nice more often than nasty do you really want to ever feel like you feel right now again? xx
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I just can’t go on knowing what I know. I’m never going to unsee it now. I’m always going to be on the look out for everything even though its staring me right in the face. Lundys book is defo an eye opener and quite upsetting.
So many false promises… I know he won’t change and if he do its going to be a long old commitment and time. I’m too b****y exhausted for it 🙁 I want to live anxiety free…. I’m praying that day will come!
Hope everyone is staying safe x*x
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I’m also reading Lundy’s book. It’s very weird when you come across something you really recognise, even exact phrases. It’s very hard to accept they are doing these things on purpose though. Especially if like me it’s an extremely long term relationship. But you’re right, where all the things that have happened have built up to the point where you can’t forget about them. And how do you move on from that? You can’t. The trust has been damaged. You can see the same behaviour cycling around all the time. It’s exhausting. You’re not alone in how you’re feeling. Keep posting xx
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Thankyou for replying! The comments from you lovely ladies are helping me so much. I know it’s very strange reading exact phrases and cycles… do they actually know they are doing it? For me its a very long term relationship too. I’ve burst into tears reading some of it. It’s not all relatable though which sometimes can make me question it but then i think I was crying a few pages ago this is real. We’ve not spoke now for (detail removed by Moderator) my anxiety is kicking in and missing him. Fighting the urge to message right now. I know in my mind what is right as hard as its going to be. I can’t forget about anything even when he’s suddenly being nice….
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Just another vent…. So I’m back to being the horrible one now as I left and not spoke to him in a few days and I’m screwing his head up apparently. He says this alot. Absolutely exhausting. It’s so easy for me apparently aswell…. far from easy 🙁 he also thinks I’m seeing someone else.. couldn’t be further from the truth.
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I see he’s opened his text book of ‘abusive responses’ again, as much as I know his words are hurting you right now I’m sorry to say it’s very very common responses he’s sending you right now. What about what he’s done to you & your life – zero recognition of that on his part because he needs you to be the bad guy in his version of events. Sadly they often make threats or say things like they have nothing to live for now, but again if he does that’s on him not you – as an adult he can seek help and support through his family, friends, GP. If you haven’t already then look up the grey rock method. We’re trained to respond to their needs and if you don’t answer a text you might get more abuse but this method can help. Stay strong x
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Another day of no contact after the abusive day the day before. I’ve had all those threats nothing to live for, his life is f***** etc… still staying strong so far. Trying to be as grey rock as possible – thankyou for the reminder.
His family obviously think I’m the worst person in the world right now so God knows what he’s been saying. As much as I don’t want that to effect me it really does. He’s always used his family against me. My mum agrees or they said this Said that. Just like my mother/father/said heve digged into me for so long. Grr!
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Stay strong Bluebirds!
I’m in a similar position to you. Have recently ended the relationship, and also recently read the book by Lundy Bancroft. In the same way as you recognised parts of your relationship from the book, I did too. And, as you say; once you see it, you can’t unsee it. That’s our cue to get away.
Its taken me a long time to even realise that what I was experiencing was abuse. But now I’ve admitted it to myself, I feel I need to try and stay strong.
We all do if we are to move forwards and away from the abuse.
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Sorry to hear your in the same position moongazer. It really is one of the hardest things. It takes alot to finally admit it to yourself, I’ve known for years but actually admitting it and speaking out was a huge thing for me. Will not be able to unsee any of it. As you said thats the biggest cue and im finally following it after so long 🙁 I’m having a low day today very teary.
Hope you are getting support. Happy to chat on PM. I found this forum has really helped Me during this process. Stay strong x
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It doesn’t matter how he thinks of you, when abuser fails to control, they will claim that it’s your fault and that you’ve changed a lot. Don’t fall into the trap, just remember how hard you’ve tried, remember that you’re struggling. It’s good that you are thinking of leaving. It may take time to find the right place, but as long as you keep trying the right timing will come. Please don’t give up!
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Congratulations on that! Yes, definitely you will need to put a lot of effort to adjust life without him, and living alone can be scary and lonely and even depressing. As sb living aboard alone for a few years (my home town is thousand miles away) I would say, try to discover what you enjoy and what you like to do and eat your meals regularly no matter what. Also, remember to sleep enough. Take care of your physical health, and don’t isolate yourself. Negative feelings are tough, but they will past, and things will be alright when the right timing comes. Sending you lots of love x
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