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    • #116970
      Camel
      Participant

      I’d been on just a handful of dates with him when he quizzed me about the (male) friend I’d been seen out with. I described our platonic relationship. He wasn’t satisfied and I found myself reassuring him that we’d never been intimate, didn’t have feelings for other. On it went.

      Now I’m wondering why I got drawn into explaining.

      Why it was that I didn’t say ‘Look mate, I’ve told you. And, being frank, I don’t like your attitude.’

      Why it was that I let him get away with interrogating my friend about our relationship.

      Why it was that my friend didn’t see a problem with being grilled.

      Why it was that I didn’t think ‘This one’s trouble. Where does he get off, giving me and my friend the third degree?’

    • #116971
      Camel
      Participant

      I also wonder why we label this behaviour as jealousy. Isn’t it ridiculous to believe that a new partner can be jealous of our exes? Or friends who may possibly be exes?

      My ex said he’d been cheated on so was insecure. This in itself should have got be bolting for the door. A couple of dates in and already he was making me responsible of his issues.

      I don’t understand why I thought it was OK.

    • #116984
      Walkingonsunshine
      Participant

      I’ve asked myself that question a lot recently a why didn’t I say this or why didn’t I react like that? It’s just not in me to stand up and argue, is it easier to have to explain ourselves than to tell them where to go. perhaps we’ve been conditioned through years of abuse or is it just our empathic nature that wants to help others and make them feel better that we neglect our own feelings?

    • #117576
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Hope it’s ok to join the discussion. I also had the obsessive jealousy with regards to exes and male friends which resulted in me being stalked by my ex partner.

      It’s a good question – why do we or why have we excused jealous behaviour?

      It’s a red flag.

      I think somewhere along the line growing up, I learned that jealousy from a guy equalled he really liked you. I think I got this ridiculous idea from films, song lyrics, magazines and TV programmes I consumed as a teenager and probably as a child. I remember my group of friends talking about jealousy from a boy or young man as if it was a good positive sign, he liked you. We were all consuming the same information from the media and all came to the same conclusion that jealousy was a good sign and not the red flag it actually is. That’s my experience anyway.

    • #117899
      Camel
      Participant

      There’s another thread running which asks if it was OK to feel jealous/insecure.

      So…

      It’s OK for them to be jealous. We’ll tie ourselves in knots, explaining and reassuring. We’ll change our behaviour, our friends. We’ll airbrush our pasts, deny our histories. They ATTACK, we DEFEND.

      But it’s not OK for us to be jealous. They call us crazy, over sensitive, controlling, unreasonable. Again, they ATTACK, we DEFEND.

    • #117900
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Just like it’s not ok for us to be angry. I feel very suppressed in the anger department, it’s like anger is something only he is entitled to. If I lose my temper then I’m told I’m crazy, have an anger issue, am always p*used off etc.
      It mentions about abusers not allowing their victims to be angry in the Lundy Bancroft why does he do that? book too.

    • #117901
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Their double standards infuriate me.

    • #117907
      Camel
      Participant

      We’re not allowed any feelings really. Unless they’re in response to his. We can’t be angry at the boss or happy at a family gathering or sorry for ourselves when ill or proud for an achievement. Because these are selfish feelings and what about him and his day?

    • #117909
      gettingtired
      Participant

      You’re right. What a miserable existence?
      I keep thinking to myself what is wrong with these men. Do they honestly enjoy being with a woman they flatten the life out of? It’s always the same old story.. Womens lives just shrink and crumble once they’re with an abuser. Are they only happy once their victims are at their lowest? It’s difficult/pointless trying to understand I suppose.

    • #117944
      Madmam
      Participant

      I remember about 2 years ago (when I still socially smoked), we were sitting in the pub enjoying a pint or two. I went outside for a cigarette and the security guy was at the door (naturally).
      He struck up some small talk, I finished my cig then went back inside. The face on him! Accused me of flirting with the fella. Like the rest of you, I should have just walked away, but instead I explained the obvious, that he was security, what else was he supposed to do etc.

      And the most important bit just occured to me – when we both got up to leave (obviously couldn’t stay), he DIDN’T SAY A WORD TO THE SECURITY GUY.

      This has just hit me like a slap in the face.

    • #117956
      Camel
      Participant

      What could he have said to him that didn’t show him up to be a complete d*ck?

    • #118461
      Catjam
      Participant

      They see us as their possessions. Mine actually says that I belong to him and him to me. But the double standard is so bad. Years ago his female boss used to ring him at all hours of the day and off he would go. Sometimes all night, if I complained I was heartless because he was helping a friend.
      My boss put a kiss on the end of a text and he marches into my place of work and warns him off. Totally humiliating me but making himself look a right idiot.
      We do learn that jealousy means they are terrified of loosing us. Kids need educating that actually it’s not ok at all.

    • #118503
      Madmam
      Participant

      What could he have said to him that didn’t show him up to be a complete d*ck?

      Exactly, Camel. When I had to ring the police on him, he was as nice as pie, acted like they were his friends. I remember thinking, why isn’t he mortified? These guys are so clever, covering their tracks.

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