Jekyll & Hyde

[Mermaidtail]

We go to bed perfect, he wakes up a completely different person. He wont get up even if we have plans. After the 4th hour I start to get mad with him. This triggers him and he’s horrible the entire day, he’s irritable, snappy, won’t talk. I’m treading eggshells. He also hardly showers or cleans his teeth yet expects kisses and sex? I can’t share a bed with him because he used to constantly wake me through the night when off his head on god knows what. Now I constantly wake naturally. Doesn’t see any issue with his behaviour. If I call him out on something it turns into a character assassination. He’s done so many terrible things to me, yet I’m the one who must show remorse at the one mistake I made (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. He talks over me constantly, we could be talking about something as simple as how to cook an egg and it can turn into an argument. He’s impossible. Yet when I break up with him I get phone calls and texts to no end and makes me feel so miserable & guilty I end up getting back with him. I feel responsible for him in some way. The way he speaks to me is disgusting, but he has a way of bending my mind to make me think it wasn’t that bad.

[nbumblebee]

Yep.
Yep this is what they do they twist and turn, nice to nasty at a drop of a hat they make you feel so guilty so crazy that you think youve imagined how bad it really gets its what they do to us sweetie its not you.
Keep posting keep talking keep learning and above all keep safe xxxxx

[Mermaidtail]

I feel trapped. If I stay with him I’m unhappy, if I try and leave it’s even worse. I asked for space this week and he wouldn’t give it to me, I’m bombarded with horrible messages about how he wants to die and his life is over, that I couldn’t care less, I’m heartless and I’ve been stringing him along. He keeps on about all the nice things he’s done for me (to make up for the abusive behaviour) it’s like I just have to accept it and not complain. He doesn’t care if we argue in front of our daughter, he’s just impossible to be around and leaves me feeling really emotionally drained.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Mermaidtail,

I’m sorry to hear how you are suffering.
Please remember it is not your fault, this is typical abusive behaviour.

I stayed with my partner for more than 2 decades.
I’m sorry to say, it only got worse.
I couldn’t see a way out at first, we have kids and joint mortgage on our house.
Near the end, he became physical and his gaslighting and anger worsened.

I decided to put an end to the relationship.
I won’t pretend it was easy, I’ve had police involvement, domestic abuse support, and all the while, he is harassing and stalking me.
Because of his behaviour, I’ve been advised to not allow ex any contact with the children.
Once he realised he lost control of me, he tried to control the kids, and used them to control and get St me.

He is a typical abuser, just like your partner.
We blame ourselves or their addictions, mental health, stress in life etc.
But the truth is, there are people out there with those issues, who do not abuse.
Abuse is a choice certain people make.
The first step to getting out of an abusive relationship is to understand that abuse is a choice.
Second step is to not blame yourself for any of this.
The abuser spends a lot of time deflecting their behaviour onto the victim, make them believe they are wrong, they accuse the victim for being an abuser and gaslighting , when in truth the victim does none of those things.
I’ve joined the freedom programme, it really opens your eyes to abusive tactics.
You can still be with a partner whilst doing it, or after you left.
It ties in with a book called the dominator by Pat Craven.
I read this book before I did the programme, and I’m reading it again alongside the sessions.
Another good book is why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

Keep posting, we are here for you x*x

[Mermaidtail]

Thank you so much.

I’ve been so drained since the weekend. His mum has kicked him out because after I told him I don’t want to be with him anymore he went psychotic, he went on a drug binge and is harassing me. I blocked him on everything which I don’t like doing as it means he can’t speak to our daughter. He gets so paranoid, he thinks the only reason I don’t want to be with him is because I’ve found someone else. I’ve tried explaining to him why but it’s like talking to a brick wall. He doesn’t listen and talks over me, hears it completely different to how I’ve said it. He’s making me feel like it’s my fault for him going off on a binge, I know his mum will partly blame me.

[Footballfan1]

You have done the right thing blocking contact.
Do not let his mum make you feel guilty.
This next stage is going to be really tough, it’s going to take all your strength to not get sucked back in.
I know it sounds harsh but if his family get in your head, block them too.
Keep it in your head none of it is fault.

After I spilt with my ex, I was subjected to guilt tripping, harassment, aggressive actions.
Plus his family were no better.
Telling me that I need to admit to at least one affair I’ve had, give him something to put his mind at rest.
I hadn’t had any affairs, I was completely faithful to him.
So that said a lot about his family, blaming me for imaginary affairs.
Look up delusional jealousy, this is what I think my ex has, and it sounds like yours does too.
It is a psychotic illness.
I hadn’t heard of it until another lady posted on here saying her ex had been diagnosed and then sectioned.
Stay strong, if you wobble or need support, talk to us x*x

[gettingtired]

My ex would do the same, things could be perfectly fine the night before, then the following day he could wake up in the foulest of moods. Of course this would then dictate any plans we may have made and I’d be waiting around for hours whilst he slept off his hangover/drug binge and often we wouldn’t go out in the end anyway. Then he’d end up being in a mood with me if I was disappointed with him for cancelling our plans. I wasted so many days off waiting around for him when I could have been out doing my own thing (which I would never have dared to do). He would also keep me awake with his drinking/drug use, he would move around in the bed or be on his phone keeping me awake, would refuse to go elsewhere and just told me I could sleep on the sofa if I didn’t like it. He couldn’t have cared less if I had work the following day and needed sleep. He also only brushed his teeth once a day which repulsed me, luckily he didn’t really ever kiss me but I still found it embarrassing as his general appearance deteriorated from the drink/drugs. So of course I was then accused of not being attracted to him anymore! Yet the drinking and drug binges continued and he did nothing about any of his behaviour, just continued to blame me for everything.
Have you had a look into gaslighting? That’s what he’s doing when he manages to manipulate you into thinking his behaviour and the way he speaks to you isn’t ‘that bad’ x

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