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I think I am doing quite alright in general. I don’t feel ashamed of my past relationship and could tell to anyone: “I was in polygamous violent relationship, so what?”. I have nothing to feel guilty for. Nothing to feel embarrassed about. I did not kill anyone. I did not hurt anyone constantly on purpose. I did not steal. I stayed true to myself. And yes it took me quite some time and quite a few attempts to leave abusive relationship and it was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. You can’t blame a woman for loving a man. Despite that I am extremely sensitive to other people’s opinion on women who stay / take long to leave / struggle to leave/ not ready to leave abusive relationship whether that opinion is directly about me or about women in general. It puts me on defense and ruins my mood instantly. It makes my blood boil. How dare you have an opinion without experiencing that yourself. Today I had a conversation with a good friend and I mentioned something about my ex. She referred to the other woman who stayed (as it was a polygamous relationship) as stupid and more stupid than me. I don’t think she meant to offend me, but she did and we had that conversation in the morning. I thought I don’t care but I was angry and anxious and in a very pessimistic mood for the rest of the day (initially I thought I feel that way cos I am tired). I went for a walk after work and I was in tears cos I kept thinking of that relationship and of what even my friend thinks about me – as stupid. And I think it was that particular conversation that affected my mood for the day.
I think I just wanted to write it out as it helps sometimes. Maybe other also are affected by such things.. -
Absolutely nobody has the right to judge you. I know the hurt this causes but now I feel sorry for these people that they don’t have the life experience to understand the dynamics of not just abusive relationships but any kind of relationship that doesn’t fit into their picture. You have experienced more in your short life than your friend will experience in her lifetime and it’s an experience you can learn from. Take strength from that and know that you need validation from no one. In time it won’t hurt so much and you will think like I do, until you have walked in my shoes, don’t judge me x
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I start to feel angry when I hear people talk with absolutely no understanding about the real dynamics of a situation.
What I’ve started to do is to think to myself, and even say to them sometimes. Bless you, you’ve not been in that situation, it must be so difficult for you to get your head around. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is to gain that understanding. To do so, you’ll need to go through it, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
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My close friends understand more than my family.
I was called stupid by my brother when I tried talking about early days of my relationship with ex and how young I was.It did upset me
I am wary of discussing incase I get judgemental comments back.So I talk to those I trust unfortunately it’s not my family .
But I don’t want to expose myself to their negativity. -
You have every right to feel emotional about a traumatic and painful situation. Try not to be so hard on yourself. The fact you were abused also suggests your personality is an empathetic one. I don’t want to speak out of turn, but you may be harbouring some guilt because you got out when others haven’t. That want to protect is natural and perfectly justified. It sounds like it came from a good place and I’m sure your friend knows that xx
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Do they mean to be cruel though? I thought I’d be out like a shot at the first sign of abuse. As it was, years later, I was still there.
I now am in the position of saying to people that they don’t understand and I’m pleased for them about that. For some reason my happiness for them is hugely offensive.
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No matter what domestic setting you are living in, we all have the right to live an abuse free life so good on you that you were able to recognise it. 👍
I think in general people aren’t aware of the dynamics of domestic abuse, I mean it’s so complex, I sure haven’t heard any of the terms like FOG, Trauma Bond, the cycle of abuse, abusive power and control only just one year ago. So others who aren’t personally affected by domestic abuse understand it even less than ourselves.
I have understanding for these people however I don’t waste my time convincing them, it they don’t show support, respect and understanding for me I rather keep my energy for myself and for those who do understand and support what I am going through.
Slowly but surely more awareness on domestic abuse is getting out there, e.g. look at the coercive control law passed under the Serious Crime Act 2015 that has been used for the first time in Sally’s Challen’s case. It’s progress.
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None of my family and friends know. I have mentioned abuse when chatting to a friend and she just glazed over it.
Nobody really cares.
I decided to trial something out and put a profile pic of domestic abuse. Not one person liked it. I think two weeks later changed my profile pic to mountains and 10 people liked it.
DOmestic abuse is a dirty word and it’s not a sexy charity like certain cancer charities. I mean do you ever hear someone say- I support the DA charity… No. do we see charity shops… No.
People are so uneducated. -
I think its pretty scarey in this day and age that people dont want to educate themselves on abusive relationships. Especially when this is so rife, social media certainly dosent help. they wont be able to educate their children either on this – so they are actually the vulnerable ones not us.
i had an experience of total denial and ignorance. i took my daughter to the local trampoline centre where she came across a little boy, she must have thrown a ball at him (it was dodge ball) and he had said to her ‘do that again and i will kill you’so she came to me upset, im glad she knows that this is not an acceptable thing to say. So i went down and asked the boy to show me his parents- i approached them and said do you think what he has said is acceptable – his father agreed no. BUT his mother came back across to me and said look your over reacting theyre only kids. i had to say to her well if your condoning this as his mother god help our future generation – i asked her to please eave me alone. i see this everywhere and i wont tolerate it xx sorry lol rant over luv diymum
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My mum tells me that she just cannot understand why I have allowed myself to be abused and have my self esteem stolen by a man w She says that I used to be an intelligent, independent, confident and articulate woman. She says this as if I sent him a formal invitation to come into my life and stamp all over my dignity and self respect. The point is though I didn’t did I. Isn’t it enough that I have have been emotionally tortured in my own home and in my most intimate relationship and to be told by my o/h that I am in fact the cause of my own misery by ‘ getting the wrong end of the stick’ time and time again. It is my fault that when I have approached him calmly and with an overwhelming need to make sense of why I have to ‘walk on eggshells’ and why he looks at me like he hates me; I have simply wanted to work through issues and achieve some harmony and intimacy for us. I’ve been on crusade to try and make him understand what his behaviour is doing to my soul. Ive written him letters and I have recorded interactions that clearly demonstrates and backs up what I am telling him is happening. . He is currently looking for my sympathy vote which he has relied on in the past. He knows I care deeply about people,; it is after all what I do in professional life. I have told him that I now know he is abusing me and I will never let him do so ever again. He reckons he didn’t know he was abusing me and says he is ashamed of himself and is prepared to do anything just to make me happy. Anything that is of course apart from the one thing that would defintely make me happier and my life more bearable….stop the abuse and/or let me and our marriage go. He tried to cuddle me earlier today and I recoiled and asked him not to touch me in an intimate way because there is no intimacy between us. He didn’t like it at all and actually said ‘(detail removed by Moderator) ‘. If I let him touch me like that now I have recognised that he is emotionally abusing meI would just be assisting him to disrespect me and my body. I just keep telling myself that this man who adores me, says he will protect me from harm and that I am the love of his life IS the very SAME MAN that calls me names that even to those who swear a lot bu would be highly offensive, the very SAME MAN x
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I have just told my husband to stop groping me, all I get is you’re my wife and I’m just touching you, then proceeds to show me what groping is, they are both the same. It then changed to don’t you want me touching you,- no, then it went to you’re treating me the same way you did your ex, I remember you telling me. I told him nothing of the sort. At no point in that relationship did I have to tell my ex to stop touching me, he just knew not to. What I did tell my oh was they we no longer had sex, so without having sex there was no need for him to touch me in a sexual way.
Now he’s told me to put in for a divorce because he’s not being told he can’t touch me. (They really don’t like being told NO!) Then said, is that all right with you, and I said, yes. I actually said yes. I’ve also not to bother doing anything for him anymore, which is what he usually says when he’s in the huff.
He’s away upstairs just now, so will see how the rest of the night pans out. I have butterflies but don’t feel anxious(yet).
IWMB 💕💕
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Boy! That is a long post I just did. Probably boring but the feeling of being able to connect with people that validate my own nightmare by sharing their own. I should have known I couldn’t reason with my o/h for the simple stark truth because he is not a reasonable person ( at least not to me, he manages to seem like a charming, loving and protective husband when other people are around and it is exactly for that reason that I do not believe him when he says that he has no idea why or how he abuses me , it just happens says he, cannot help it says he….funny though how it only ever ‘just happens’ when there aren’t any witnesses to validate my feelings and perceptions. There have been a few occasions though when he has chosen to humiliate me in the company of his parents. This is especially hurtful because he knows I won’t call him out there and then. However his parents are visiting tomorrow and I have told him in no uncertain terms that if he does anything to hurt me I will call him out on it without hesitation, whoever is or isn’t present. I am scared though because I know that he won’t just let me go. There have been many many times when I have been just about ready to throw the towel in and end our marriage only for him to manipulate me into trying again, therein lies the paradox; I try and make our lives better and he tries hard to exert power over me and our marriage. So we are both trying but only one of us is trying to make positive contributions that are in both of our best interests and the other one is trying hard to keep her down..Sad but unfortunately true x
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Hi Queenie, the best thing you can do is get in touch with women’s aid and plan a safe exit without his knowledge. The public humiliation is designed to strip your self esteem and self confidence. Eventually I stopped socialising all together. Which suited him as he could carry on his drinking and pub going and cheating, knowing I was at home too scared to face the world outside my house. I became agoraphobic. Your story is how my nightmare began. If he does behave himself around his parents, it wont last. Or if he slips up, it will be disguised as a joke or you’re too sensitive. I remember my ex mum saying don’t talk to her like that, you’ll end up a lonely old man! It didn’t stop him, nothing will x
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Hi Queenie, I too have tried so hard to make my marriage work. I too am the one in our relationship who tries to change and I’ve sacrificed things like simply going to church on a Sunday because it irritates him. But he has never, ever tried to change nor even admitted that his behaviour is abusive. He simply lowers the ante for a few weeks, buys me flowers and acts happy as Larry saying “we’re just going through a bad patch” and I think maybe, just maybe, he is making an effort. Then it starts again. I think it gets worse each time as well because he probably feels that he has to exert more control because I ‘nearly’ left last time. So, I agree with all of you ladies out there that the only option is to walk away but that is so difficult. I am grateful for this forum because it stops me diminishing his behaviour because others experience the chaos and devastation emotional abuse causes so I know it is not me being too sensitive. X*X.
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i met up with a very good friend yesterday (from school) she got on to the subject of my past relationship. she was very candid and she always is. what she said and this hurt me because i do respect her opinion – my god what were you doing? noone could help you, you were staying with him come hell or high water. i didnt understand why your family didnt step in, i suppose you were so far gone they thought they would loose you to him. i took a back seat for a year and just watched in awe – i just couldnt get my head round why youd fight so feircely for someone who treated you so apaulingly. i tried to explain stockholm syndrome but she put it down to me feeling sorry for mental health problems. its so difficult to explain this set of circumstances – this friend has a very high IQ i did think to myself im not sure how we get this message across without sounding like a stark raving feminist or psychobabbler xx fheww love diy mum
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