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    • #9773
      Herindoors
      Participant

      I knew my ex had left social media, there is no trace of him. But he has also blocked all communications from me so if I need to contact him about anything, including our daugther, I can’t. This is OK and in many ways I am lucky that he is behaving like this but in the back of my head I keep wondering what on earth he has told people. Has he gone ‘no contact’ telling people its because I abused him? This is driving me nuts. I know, that’s probably his intention! I need to let it go….

      I am having to send any communications through a member of his family. This family member refused to recognise that my ex is an abuser. He actaully said to me recently about my ex that ‘he had never willingly hurt or provoked anyone’… I litterally laughed out loud. He keeps saying we were both 50/50 to blame, that it was relationship dynamics. He says this is despite the fact that he, himself, has suffered at my ex’s narcissisct hands, verbally, emotionally and actually physically. So why can’t they see him for what he is? What is it that makes people blindly stay loyal to someone, a monster, because they are family?

      This family member has been trying to persude me to go to mediation. Pointless with my ex – but even more pointless as we don’t have any dispute (no house, no finances, no custody battle). He thinks that we should just do it to learn to communciate better. I am communicating fine, I was just sending normal emails with questions in about the few issues we still need to sort out – and was getting an abusive essay back. This family member has seen these emails – why can’t he see that mine were ‘normal’ and not provokative but I got abuse back? Knowing my ex like he does, knowing you can’t bascially speak or have an opinion around him, why does he think mediation is going to work?

      I know you ladies don’t have all the answers but just need to get that out of my head and into words!

      Take care everyone x*x

    • #9785
      Confused123
      Participant

      rant away hun, this is best place, they must be blind like my ex side family , hope karma hits the abusers and there families in the face

    • #9797
      White Rose
      Participant

      Typical! He wants to seem the injured party to get all the attention.
      It could work well for you since if he’s no contact then you are too. I bet he’s lurking behind another social media name/identity so careful what you post and go as anonymous as you can yourself.
      As far as your daughter is concerned at least you know you can let him know important things through the family member – that’s if you want to. If you don’t you’ll get fewer abusive essay emails back and that has to be a bonus!
      If he’s cut all contact with you how is he ever going to engage with mediation?
      Keep ranting when you need to xx

    • #9799
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      An abuser to the last looking the victim and using an relative to carry on the abuse.

      In one way he has cut his nose of to spite his face he can’t control you as easily, my abuser and I only communicate by letter its great no instance abuse.

      Mine sited my unreasonable action for the divorce (I left our bed for my safety) at first I was hysterical but after getting advice I accepted it, at least it means I’m free.

      If you know where he lives send communication by post or a solicitor will exchange letters for you so you don’t have to have contact with his family member. Or maybe when he see his daughter get it pass over then.

      Good luck and stay strong.

      FS xx

    • #9816

      Totally recognise this behaviour ……. he is playing the victim and making out you are the abusive one….. this is text book stuff but no less maddening and hard to cope with.
      I too have had to put up with the “bad relationship dynamics” line and accusations that I caused the abuse or that it was 50/50 we were both as abusive as each other etc…….. None of this is true ………abusers cause abuse full stop.
      It is so hard when other people try in their ignorance to define our reality. its like constantly being told that black is white …… it can nor away at our own confidence in our own perceptions.
      Do rant away its good to get it out !!!!!
      These people are ignorant of the dynamics of abuse, They are blind, they are in denial.
      You have the right to define your own truth and write your own narrative about your life. You know the truth hang on to that. I doubt he will stick to the no contact thing if it does not get the response he wants …… its just another control tactic but you enjoy the peace while it lasts and put in no contact boundaries for yourself. You will feel heaps better the less contact you have with his distorted thinking .
      I have to have contact with my ex because of contact with his child etc but i keep it to the absolute minimum. Short emails only and only things that are 100% nesseesary.

      Take care x

    • #9819
      Sadandconfused
      Participant

      My own mother tried to say that we just got together too fast and didn’t really know each other it drives me insane! The other day she said that a social worker she knows made the same mistake so maybe it wasn’t so obvious he was awful from the start??!!!!!

      When we went to court my ex physically turned his whole body away from me like a child when I had to walk past him and his dad got right up in my face how ridiculous when he knows full well what he did to me and children. On top of that they lied under oath which just shows how some people are wired.

      I would be glad of the no contact as infuriating as it is and hope that he stays that way. I would also as you have been doing keep all communication to an absolute minimum i’m guessing he will soon enough return when he realizes his current method isn’t working.

    • #9830
      godschild
      Participant

      I am getting all of the 50/50 nonsence at the moment and that it both of us, makes you doubt yourself sometimes, but it is nonsence, mine said that 90% of the population would agree. He say lots of people say it is, I asked him who , he names both of my children , who have both turned from me and don’t choose not to remember the reality of it all when they lived at home. People who have not experienced it havn’t got a clue, best to stick with this forum and Womens Aid who understand it first hand

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