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    • #135081

      Thank you everyone for your support this week I have one last question then i will stop and try and sort my head out on my own.
      When i read back what he has done said this week I feel an idiot.
      To me when i read about how he said he doesnt like me, i dont make an effort, im having an affair,hes bored of me then still demands sex this to me sounds pathetic, like why am I moaning about such little things. Why am i on a site for abused women?
      I am trying so so hard to see this so I can grab the courage to get help but its so hard I dont feel like I deserve help.
      So my questions are
      Does it sound pathetic?
      If not how the hell do i get it through my thick head thats it not right that it is abusve even?

      Many many Thanks yet again 🙄 xxxxxxx

    • #135082

      Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour. It’s a deliberate attempt at continually undermining you, your mental health, gaslighting you, destroying your happiness, keeping your head spinning, doubting yourself, losing your self esteem and your confidence and your ability to be happy and at peace. Put yourself in his shoes, would you ever say to someone you’re suppose to care about that you don’t like them, you’re bored of them, demanding sex from someone who clearly doesn’t want to. We minimise abuse as a coping mechanism and it will get worse when he fails to destroy you with his behaviour. He loves to harm you, it gives him great please to watch you struggle.

      • #135085

        Thanks @kip.
        No i would never ever say anything like that.
        But today I broke down and told someone who knows a little about what im going through and i told them about my week and how bad it was when i thought back at what i was saying i felt such a t*t like why on earth am i moaning about things that seem so small so silly but yet if you were to tell me your partner had said them to you id be like gosh thats horrible.
        When i read your explanation i say yes yes he does all that but still I doubt myself.

      • #135237

        It’s the thousands of little things that paint the picture, just ask yourself if you would ever treat someone the way you’re being treated. If the answer is no, then, it’s wrong, listen to your instincts they are always right

      • #135242

        @Hazlenut no no i certainly wouldnt.
        Thank you x

    • #135083

      Thank you for your question nbumblebee, you make me realise what I am going through is normal. That it is proof of the abuse. One day you think its abuse, the next you do not. This is proof of how much our minds have been affected. I’m having a bit of a wobble today, it’s that time of the month and I just miss him(not happened in ages). I am re-reading all my posts, i discovered you can favorite them and you can see all posts you interacted with which is good. Its so weird looking at what i wrote 6 months ago. Like its another person. Was i really in that relationship Saying i wanted to leave? Was i really saying those things and was i really sure he was abusive?
      One thing I am sure of, there is so much confusion, so much cognitive dissonance, that is what i am focusing on, because that i am sure of. I did not want to live in confusion. I think in the end you do not leave because they are abusive, you leave because you are unhappy and realise you cannot be treated this way for much longer.
      The abuse and learning about the abuse just makes you realise how you are not to blame, makes you realise why it was so hard to leave.

      • #135086

        @eyesopening You kept me upright this week you have no idea how much your messages have helped me this week so I am glad i could help you in some small way.
        I guess us who are still in it forget just how hard it mist be to have left and look back on what was your life I wont pretend to know or understand how hard some days must be for you but I hope you have some support after you give so much to others.
        I think i may suffer from a bit of anxiety as sokn as i open up to anyone i get this overwelming feeling of guilt and shame as if people think im an idiot that Im just a miserable b****r. When i opened up to the person today they didnt say anything but actually this is often something they do as sometimes i just wanna blow i dont want advice and actually im not sure they totally understand but they try.
        Just makes me feel like its all stupid that im moaning about nothing when others out there who go through so much worse are so much stronger.
        I hope that by reading your old posts chatting on here has made you feel a little stronger sweetie i really do.
        Sending you a rather large hug xxxx

      • #135094

        Thanks for your kind words, your brave to open up to others. Its very difficult thing to do so be gentle on yourself, its so so difficult to explain to people who do not understand, think how long its taking you to understand. Ofcourse on paper it sounds not such a bit deal, we cannot show them how it felt. I remember all my notes of what made me unhappy, i would read them over and think they sounded like nothing. BUT what I learnt was so important was to write how they made me FEEL. That is what was important. He may have said something and on paper it’s nothing, but he made me feel stupid, idiotic, to blame, like a child. We can’t really explain that to others so easily. Let alone ourselves in hindsight.
        TBH thats what you want, someone who will jsut listen, its really hard for people to advice much as they cannot know whats going on, only we do.
        Dont compare your situation to others, so what if others are going through more then you? Does it mean you matter less? No. I would do that and i would think, gosh what i am going through is nothing compared. But with practice and my therapists help, i tried to stop that pattern of thinking because its not helpful.
        Sending a big hug back xxxx

      • #135095

        I did say in my message that it sounds silly but when its all added together it makes me feel heart broken so hopefully that was enough and yes its so hard to open up to someone i am full of anxiety of what he thinks of me i do the same when i post on here i kften get so angry with myself for posting or messaging i think im wasting your time im not worth it, someone else out there needs it more than me.
        I need to sleep ive hardly slept in over a week i need to sleep then chill then sort my s**t out dont I. Thank you yet again Hope you are soon feeling better and stronger. Take care xx

      • #135098

        You could never waste anyone’s time,
        I have been through all the same thoughts. I remember the book healing from hidden abuse, shannon thamos. She said abuse is like pebbles, one incident is one small pebble, then another is another pebble, until your wighed down by so many that its sucha heavy burden. Its so hard getting through all of this. I think everyone going through, gone through are heroes. We are all so strong it amazes me how we never give up after everything we have been put through xxxx

      • #135113

        @eyesopening this is lovley thank you x

    • #135088
      Wants To Help

      I’ve sent you a PM

    • #135089

      Abusers are good at making us feel like we are overreacting and that we are a bother. You are neither of those things. Post as many times as you want and as often as you want. I’m glad you are here 💜💜.

    • #135099

      No it doesn’t sound silly at all.

      I’ve been in a situation where exactly that word was used and fired at me ‘pathetic’.

      This was in a situation where I had tried to confront my abuser and actually said I was leaving.

      Now, so many years later i wonder about why they had chosen that word.

      Obviously it was to make me feel small. It was targeted. It was designed to make me give up, give in, admit that I was in the wrong, basically to keep me under their control.

      That, hon is what that word ‘pathetic’ is all about when they use it in that context.

      You are very, very, very, very far from ‘pathetic’.

      If you ask me we are the strongest people in the world on here.

      And the abusers, the abusers are very frightened of that.
      Very frightened. Which is why they do what they do.

      • #135115

        That was lovely and i agree.
        Thats what they want from us.
        That’s why in the end we are more powerful then them. My counselor kept telling me that I actually held the power in that relationship. It was so strange to hear at first, but i paid bills, did everything basically. But he twisted things to make it seem like he was the king of the castle, that i needed him.
        So not true, i am far far better off alone. That’s what they want to feed off from Us, that power and light

      • #135156

        I love this Thank you @Startingoveragain and Thank you saying it doesnt sound silly I appreciate that. Xxxx

    • #135110

      nbumblebee sweets, sometimes our own denial of things can match the level of the abuser because we need to deny to survive, but there’s only so long we can do it until the cracks start showing and the facts and the feelings start seeping through 💜💫💜

      • #135120

        @Auriel Thank you. My counsellor tells me that its easier for me to blame myself as I dont like me so its easier to say its me it hurts less than admitting its him cause that would be horrible right? Knowing someone who should love and protect you hurts you for their own enjoyment. Hes working today and i know hes gonna be horrible when he gets home as hes working for a family member of mine so it will be my fault he has to work on a saturday and i will be expected to Thank him…
        None of this is right I know that.

      • #135124

        He should be grateful your family member had given him a job and is healthy and able to do that job (which I doubt he’d have if they knew how he treats you) his behaviour is his own choosing and not even about you, your taking responsibilities for things that aren’t connected to you, (your relative wanted him in to today, so it was between those two) you don’t need to thank him for anything he took the job on, ‘his’ choice ‘his’ responsibility, he could say no and risk an annoyed boss/job loss, either way it’s not on you it’s how he feels he can take frustrations and how you own things that aren’t your fault, but as your self esteem is non existent you can’t see that yet and being in such toxicity won’t help with it, I’m suspecting depression too but idk? Sometimes we don’t like feeling the horrible feelings about people but you have every right to be angry from the things he’s doing/done to you, take care

      • #135164

        @Auriel depression i hadnt thought of that.
        I know its all i can think about even when hes being nice i cant get this out my head anymore its so hard isnt it.
        Thank you I have so much to think over xx

      • #135212

        It was just something I was wondering cos sometimes low self esteem + depression can intermingle, but so can the self esteem/abuse/depression and anxiety get intertwined, I can’t diagnose (it’s not my place) but it’s really common for anyone going through these kinds of experiences ⭐️🌟⭐️

    • #135117

      It’s so normal for you to experience this behaviour that you have literally normalised it. So maybe it does sound trivial to you. To those on the outside any one of those incidents sounds, at best, very unpleasant. To most, it sounds horrendous.

      One day, you’ll look back and, free of cognitive dissonance, you’ll realise how horrendous it all sounds and you’ll struggle to believe that you found it so hard to lable it as abuse.

      My therapist once asked me what I would think if another woman disclosed to me what I was telling her. I knew in my head that I should be horrified but in my heart I just couldn’t feel it. I had completely blocked the true horror of it. It’s a coping strategy, a survival technique.

      So, if one of the other ladies on the forum was saying the things about her relationship that you have written, what would you think?

      Would you be saying that it sounded trivial or would you be telling her that it was classic abuse?

      I’d be telling her it was abuse. xx

      • #135194

        @eggshells sorry i have just seen this.
        Yes you are right if I was to read my posts as someone elses then yes maybe i would say it was abuse ahhh who am i kidding I would definatly say it was. Xxxxxx

    • #135134

      Oh I relate so much to this! My counsellor asked me to write a list of things my ex did / controlled and when I read it back to her a week later, it all sounded so trivial and like I was complaining about nothing, just being pathetic, but she helped me see that it wasn’t the one offs, that all-together these things formed a pattern, a cycle of abuse, they normalised a controlling relationship…yes someone in a normal relationship might do one of two of these things, but not this many and not with this frequency.

      Also, I don’t think my ex actually knows what he did, it’s literally just how he is, how he functions, and he had a horrible childhood so in part I feel sorry for him because he doesn’t know how to do better, but that still doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.

      Please dont leave – stay and share as much as you want xx

      • #135151

        Thank you for this i may try writing it all down in a list and then re read it this could help.
        Thank you so much xxxxxx

    • #135158

      It’s very hard this process bumblebee.
      Even now I have difficulty accepting how absolutely appalling some things were. And it doesn’t help that at least seventy five per cent of the population don’t have a training or eduation in d.A. and so when you try and share with the wrong people you get either the ‘jawdrop’ reaction (how shocking) or they don’t believe you. Both of these responses don’t help. So you end up not sharing.

      That’s why it is very important to keep sharing on here.

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