Just a random attacking again..

[BlueberryField]

Hi everyone, I hope you all are keeping okay.
I just wanted to maybe rant. This post will be short.

(Removed by moderator) we went to bed laughing and joking and all was okay. I woke up (removed by moderator) as always and all he said to me was (removed by moderator), so I said ok. He woke up earlier anyway than he needed, came downstairs and just started getting really nasty with me, talking to me like I’m just a house maid, who’s only suppose to serve him and do what he needs and nothing else. I have made a comment that I don’t like him treating me this way, especially when I have literally not said a single word to him before that, for him to act this way. I was just told to f.. off, so I just told him the same thing and told he can go to whoever he wants and act this way.

I wish so much that he would just disappear from my life.. It would be so easy and so ideal.. But I guess it will either be constant abuse or one day I will have to find the courage to pull up big girls pants, leave and never come back. If only it was so easy done as said.

[Stargazing1]

Hi BlueberryField , you truly don’t deserve this . Similarities go hand in hand with alot of us on this Forum. I myself have found that when I’ve been spoken too horribly and they swear at me I will swear back at them . He told me how he spoke to his ex on some occasions and he’s started to speak to me the same as he did before he met me . Who do these people think they are . They make me sick. Please remember your very important be kind to yourself and take care too . My heart goes out to you . I too have not plucked up any courage to leave my family think I’m being stupid to even contemplate leaving but they are not in the firing line . They don’t know what this person is really like . They have never had this persons fist clenched in front of them . No they would not dare do that in front of them . Please make sure you look after yourself.

[BlueberryField]

I totally agree with you! I know I don’t deserve this, and I am trying to look after myself as much as I can, but not going to lie, there are days when I am just not bothered and have 0 energy for anything. On top of that the fact that I am helping him to build his financial career for FREE and he still treats me this way!
My family doesn’t know all of the abuse, but they have noticed themselves that he is a fake person in front of others. And that he’s manipulative. I have never told them and denied the physical abuse, even though the physical abuse was very bad at one point. They would not say anything directly to me, but I know they would be happy if I broke up with him. I mean even his own family have told me numerous times, that they don’t understand why I have been with him so long, because he doesn’t respect and abuses everyone! So that just shows that I am not crazy making things up!

I have recently saw someones comment, it wasn’t on this forum, but the person said one of the abusers tactics is to talk bad about their partner in front of others, so other people would create a bad image and opinion about that partner thinking how bad of a person they are, while the abuser turns themselves into victims. They do this especially when they have ‘someone else’ in the picture, so once they finally dump their partner, everyone would be like ‘good for you, you left this bad person’. And I know mine has been doing this. And he has been cheating on me before and I would not have enough fingers to count how many women I saw him flirting with, with my own two eyes. So I guess there is some true in that, and something to think about!

[BlueberryField]

And when I mean I am helping him with his career, I mean where I am doing ALL of his work, while all he does is lay on the sofa drinking every evening, because he is sick of everybody, everyone hates him, nobody supports him and he’s depressed.

I don’t even know what to expect from him, when he comes back home.

[Stargazing1]

BlueberryField, I can see from what you have written that what I’m facing is nothing compared to your situation. I suppose abuse is abuse whatever category it is done in . Your bound to have days when you find it tough to focus on your day ahead due to what your dealing with . Like with all relationships they Always seem to know how to reel us in and play it cool so to speak . I don’t know if they think we are their property or what but they sure have a way of letting us know who is the boss . At the end of the day no one owns us . You have got such a lot to deal with within your relationship and the drinking well that’s definatly below the belt . You deserve so much better than this we all do . I will never ever be able to understand any of the reactions from these so called people . Family do sometimes give things a wide birth . I’m sure in your hour of need your family will help you . I do hope for better things for you because you deserve nothing but the best . Sending hugs.

[BlueberryField]

The only reason he still thinks he is the “boss” only because he is physically stronger than me. But I know that I am emotionally stronger, so he can no longer manipulate me or mess with my mind into making me believe that arguments are my fault or when he tries to distance me from my family by trying to convince how they don’t love me, don’t care about me, etc. I mean my family contacts me more times in one week than his family contacts him in the whole year! I guess there’s a bit of a jealousy hidden there too. Now any lie he tells me or any manipulation he uses, I always notice it and it’s a weird feeling at the same time.

I don’t even know why we are still together, even him. There is nothing romantic between us for a long time. We live like roommates who hate each other. But neither of us leaves. And because of this I am so mad at myself that I can’t remove myself from this..

@Stargazing1 I also wanted to say, that if situation is better or worse for some of us, any type of abuse should not exist in a relationship. There is no excuse for it. Some people might think physical abuse is worse, some that emotional abuse is worse and for some controlling or sexual abuse could be worse, they are all just as bad. And I just hope that every single lady on this forum finds their peace and happiness at some point ❤️ Because none of us deserve these nasty treatments and what we do deserve is to be relaxed and happy, not sad and intimidated.

[Bananaboat]

There’s something about this life with abuse that you need someone to give you permission to leave, whilst not telling anyone how we’re living or what we’re coping with. The abuser knows this and twists it telling us noone cares, no one will believe us etc. In amongst all this we become incredibly strong & independent, doing it all. Which ironically makes it harder to reach out for help and for others to offer it to us. But reading your post above, it struck me that you say your family would be happy if you left him. That people close to you have already noticed his fake persona. So (and it’s easier for me to say this having left than for you to feel it whilst in the thick of it), I think you’re already on the path to leaving, further than you think. So be proud of that for a minute.

You already recognise his behaviour is wrong which is a big step in the journey, it’s just your survival instincts tell you it’s safer not to challenge these and keep the peace. You sound like you’ve accepted he’s discarding you and lining up the next victim already. You live separate lives. I don’t really see any hope that he’ll change and you’ll live happily ever after together, so (and I say this with love and because I did the same for a while), are you staying for the wrong reasons? I wanted him to leave me, but he never would as I was the supply, I was a bit stubborn about wanting to keep the house but I’m now so glad I moved, and I didn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ ending it or breaking up the family but ultimately he’d already done that with his behaviour. It’s hard to see the wood for the trees when you’re in it, but you might be further than you realise and just taking that tiny step more with your family might be the start of something better. You don’t owe him his career or anything, but you do owe yourself happiness. Hope this doesn’t sound too harsh it’s all meant positively xx

[Stargazing1]

@BlueberryField, I think my other half is probably physically stronger than me too . He is probably emotionally stronger too but there have been times after the verbal abuse from him as finished I walk into another room to get away from him and I don’t always get upset sometimes I do but sometimes I don’t. When I don’t get upset after he’s verbally abused me I think wow he’s not upset me this time I’m growing broader shoulders . It does sound like your other half is very jealous. Telling you your family don’t care that’s farcical. I’m sure they live in la la land sometimes. I use the excuse of the menopause for me not wanting anything to do with him in a very close way because if I’m honest he repulses me . I think I’m too forgiving . I know what I want and there will be a point when I just go because I don’t see why I should be made to feel that everything is my fault.

[Stargazing1]

@BlueberryField, I’m glad your other half can’t manipulate you and I’m glad he can’t mess with your head anymore too . I am so truly sorry your in this situation I truly am . I wish for better things for you I really do . Thank you for the chat I appreciate the time you made to make a conversation with me the plus side by talking to someone else in similar circumstances it makes a person feel less alone and we can have a little smile to ourselves about our little private chats . Which they are not aware of . Please take care of yourself. As you probably know most people here answer when it’s safe to do so so I will answer as soon as I can but if my reply is late its obvious it’s not safe . I hope you rest well. Be kind to yourself please. You deserve to be kind to yourself. Best wishes.

[BlueberryField]

I think we all deserve this! I hope you are safe and keeping well and thank you so much for your replies! Don’t let their manipulations get into you, it is not our fault they behave this way, it is only their fault and their problem! We didn’t make them this way.

[Stargazing1]

Just Wanted to say Hello @BlueberryField. Take care.

[Sad and alone]

I can sympathise with this feeling completely and it’s so unfair. That feeling where you’re like, what have I done wrong? How have I upset you? I can feel that attitude coming off him sometimes, and there’ll be little digs, or comments, or eyerolls. And I’m thinking why are you being like this? Inevitably it’ll lead up to a full blown incident. He’ll be shouting and saying the same things I’ve heard for years. He’ll push my buttons and wind me up so I end up shouting to, trying to defend myself. He’ll win in the end. I’ll just end up not saying anything and crying before finally apologising for whatever I have(n’t) done wrong. He makes me feel like I’m the unreasonable one who loses control, but it’s only because he’s driving me effing mad. It’s not fair.
Roommates that hate each other describes us perfectly too. I have tried to be more tactile etc. Make an effort. But when things like this happen it just blows it all away. Like why am I making effort? It shouldn’t be an effort to be affectionate with someone you love anyway.

Hope you are okay @BlueberryField.

[BlueberryField]

I used to be this way a few years ago too. He would ‘dig’ or just make random nasty comments or like he would say ‘jokes’ to get me upset or mad and then once I try to stand up and defend myself, it would escalate into a big argument or him even abusing me physically. Then I don’t know if that was because I truly felt responsible for the argument or because I was too scared of him and had to admit my fault (he has messed up my head with his manipulations so much then) That I would be sobbing crying and apologizing to him for what a bad person I am, who doesn’t appreciate him.

Now it’s different. He would act the same try to make mean comments or talk to our child (our child is very little, so doesn’t really understand much what’s going on anyway or why) saying how he’s going to take him and they will live somewhere far away from me. I know it’s just another manipulation, even recently he tried to dig me by saying that our child will live with him, I just told him that our child will be living with me and he knows that. He was so sure that the court will decide otherwise. I didn’t let him get into my head too much, because I know that’s his way of trying to get into my head and get me scared. He always uses our child, because he knows this is the only way to get a big reaction from me now.

I have noticed I have started using his behavior against him sometimes. Like when he makes mean comments or tries to ‘dig in’ I do the same to him. Or just use his own language when he gaslights me. I am not proud of it for even using it against him. But if it feels disgusting to use it against my own abuser, I couldn’t imagine using it against anyone else, never mind someone you supposedly love. But I am never apologizing for anything now. I know his behavior is not my fault. I know if I done nothing wrong, I shouldn’t be apologising for anything. And I just keep reminding him now to own up to his actions. Because other people are not responsible for the way he talks and acts.

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