Just as bad

[phantasmagorical]

I know I shouldn’t be reading into my relationship too much, but I feel like I really mistreated my ex over something that happened a while ago. Sorry if it comes across really immature.

Basically my ex’s friend and I had a political disagreement; we’d been talking neutrally, exchanging ideas, and one of my viewpoints really hit a nerve with them. It was probably a terrible idea to discuss those topics, people always tell you to avoid them. But I have these discussions with my own friends and it can lead to debates, but always in a healthy way, like directed to the ideas rather than getting personal about it.

His friend went to my ex and was curious to know what they thought; I felt the friend had misinterpreted me as they used a slur against me. Even though my ex was well aware of my position he agreed with his friend about me, but it made out like I didn’t mean it because I just wasn’t aware enough of certain issues etc (completely different tone to how he spoke about the issues with me, always understanding and supportive!).

I felt like he’d demeaned me by accepting the slur against me; I didn’t need him to agree with me, but I felt he could have handled it more tactfully without necessarily taking a side. I was so upset and asked him why he’d done that. He said he was just trying to appease the friend and avoid an argument, but in doing so had created an argument with me?

I consequently became really mistrustful of him and his friendship, and could never really feel okay whenever they hung out together. I became upset, not about the disagreement, but the way my ex had dealt with it if that makes sense? Some time later the friend tried to make amends with me; I felt hesitant and really really stupid in their eyes, so when I was over there I never really bonded with them very well. I tried generating conversation one night but they seemed uncomfortable and it didn’t go anywhere.

Essentially I feel completely and totally responsible for the fracturing of their friendship. My ex never really cleared the assumption about me. Eventually he said he didn’t really want them as a friend anymore, but I feel this is because of me and the fact I felt really uncomfortable with the friend. He told me he broke off his friendship, and I felt incredibly guilty about this. Interestingly, the friend has recently told me they never fell out and that he just ignored them for a long time, which really hurt the friend. I realised then that my ex had lied about ending the friendship.

My guilt was really overwhelming, and I felt it was silly and childish for a friendship to have fallen apart like that, so roughly a year later I got in contact with the friend and apologised to them for everything, and how I felt that my ex really missed them. He seemed to be struggling at the time and I just wanted him to be happy. I feel okay with the friend now, and that I might have been misdirecting my anger to them.

I just feel so horrible about it, like what if my actions were pressuring him to end the friendship, and worrying that I’m controlling and destructive. It shouldn’t be worrying me about what my ex may or may not say to the friend about me, but it does worry me. Like I don’t want to lose the friend? I’m not sure where that feeling is coming from, if it even makes any sense, or if I’m just as bad as my ex, if not the reason for his behaviour and potential resentment of me.

[Serenity]

I think when we’re going through hurt after abuse, we begin to turn the spotlight on ourselves, raking up everything from the past, magnifying every little thing we may have done wrong. We start to lose confidence in ourselves. With me, it got to levels of self-hatred! It’s a slippery slope you need to avoid.

You’ve said you feel you could have handled things better, but if you look at the Bill
Of Rights, you’ll see that it says we are entitled to our own views ( political etc). People always get uppity about politics, but I would have been annoyed if my ex had told people I wasn’t informed on certain issues ( I’m sure my ex does). We’re allowed to express ourselves without being criticised or made to feel small.

To me, your ex sounds like the real culprit here. He diminished you to his friend, or told you that he did- questioning your knowledge, or letting you know that he did. I think that was a snide way of making you feel small. Then he made out he had fallen out with this friend for your sake. Another abuser tactic- trying to hoodwink you into thinking they have stood up for you in a situation- making you feel grateful and beholden to him, so you feel obligated. But around this was his abuse- letting you think that he’d told his friend you weren’t informed about issues ( a snide put-down).

You were probably hurt and couldn’t fused at the time due to his tactics, and couldn’t put your finger on why you felt so hurt or angry. But since then, it’s become clearer. You’ve done what a lot of people would never do- go back and apologise for something they feel they did wrong- showing you’re a person of good character and conscience. Don’t beat yourself up: I think you were caught up in your ex trying to play you off against people. To create an unsettling situation. Plus I’m sure this friend of his isn’t perfect!

Look up triangulation: how abusers thrive on isolating you from others by telling you untruths about situations involving other people. They delight not in uniting people, but pitting them against one another, so that they feel masterful and in control. They delight in sitting back and watching the chaos they’ve caused. They try to get people to fall out, and sit back for entertainment watching it all fall apart, and what’s even more delightful to them is if you blame yourself. And they like to put you down in a sly way, and then deflect blame onto someone else.

You’ve had proof from his friend that your ex lied about how the friendship ended: like my ex, your ex is dishonest and just told you what he did at the time to make you feel guilty and beholden to him.

[phantasmagorical]

Hi Serenity, thank you so much for your thoughts on this. I’ve been feeling so anxious and guilty about the situation for ages.

It’s just so confusing because he had previously seemed really keen for me and this friend to get to know one another. When I offended the friend I felt this paranoia that I was being a troublemaker, and I was still so hurt, embarrassed and even defensive when I met the friend in person, that it probably looked like I was holding a grudge.

I think that when he supported his friend’s comments about me, that he may only have been concerned about his social standing rather than my feelings on the issue.

Triangulation seems to help explain some of these dynamics. I think he might even be doing that now, as communication from his side has been relayed to me through other people.

[Author]

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