13th September 2020 at 3:58 pm #113617SandeParticipant
I just feel like giving up.
I’ve made such a mess of my life. No job, limited friends, a husband who spends a fair portion of the few words we exchange telling me my myriad faults.
I say I dont like being sworn at, it’s my fault.
I say I’m sad, it’s my fault
I say I want him to treat me respectfully, it’s my fault and on and on.
And it’s always my fault for a different reason. My list of faults is endless. I have o redeeming qualities. Im just a nothing.
Today I just feel like if I walked off into the night no one would miss me. The kids would be better off not having a mum this destroyed, and a relationship not this toxic. But there is no way out.
I feel like less than a person. Just a thing to be sneered at and ignored.
And without him I dont know how Id survive financially. Maybe they’d all be better if I just gave up.
13th September 2020 at 4:37 pm #113618KIP.Participant
He’s hoping you will think this way. Don’t give him the satisfaction. It’s his voice in your head making you feel this way. Please talk to women’s aid. Abuse makes us feel trapped but there is a way out for you just like there was for me. It takes a support network and educating yourself on abuse and how we react to it. It becomes a learned helplessness Because nothing we ever do is good enough. But you are good enough. You were strong and independent before him and you will be once again long after him. We are everything without them they are nothing without us x
13th September 2020 at 5:23 pm #113621LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support. I can see that KIP has given some amazing advice here.
Your kids really do need you and love you. It’s understandable that you are feeling like this as your husband puts you down and blames you for everything, but none of those things are true and it’s not your fault.
Please consider reaching out for support from your GP or local domestic abuse service, there really is a way out with the right support in place so please stay strong.
Keep posting, we are all here for you.
13th September 2020 at 7:23 pm #113625SandeParticipant
Thank you ladies, I just. To be clear and because I dont want to scare anyone, I’d never kill myself: i’ve seen the aftermath of suicide and suicide attempts. Equally I just want to disappear, just for it to stop.
I know the routine and now my partner will act like everything is normal. And if i bring up this latest round ever again it will be my fault. And when things are perceived as my fault, I get told another thing wrong with me. And so it goes on. Swallow the abuse, never mention it again, and maybe I’ll get a few more days of peace this time.
Without being explicit, I’m currently in a situation where he’s with me all day and night. There is no respite and there’s certainly no chance to call anyone. I cant even go to the shop. This is 10 minutes where hes in another room.
I can Google learned helplessness though – and delete my browser history.
I just cant see what satisfaction he gets from doing this. I feel like a beaten dog. There’s no more fight in me so where’s the pooint in hurting me.
13th September 2020 at 10:11 pm #113632KIP.Participant
He gets a sense of power and control by abusing you. Makes himself feel big by picking on a woman he’s supposed to care for. They are despicable cowards. Imagine a friend or family member telling you they’re being treated this way. What advice would you give them?
13th September 2020 at 10:49 pm #113633LifebeginsParticipant
I second what Kip says; they are despicable cowards. Mine used to look visibly satisfied when he subjected me to a tirade of abuse and he could see I was shaken and upset. And like you I felt beaten down at the end but he still seemed to get enjoyment from it.
But you’re in the right place to make changes. Just coming on here and sharing is a massive step and I hope it feels helpful to you to do so. I would guess that most of us who are now out felt just like you do now and never thought the day would come when we’d leave. Yet we did. The start for me was finding this forum and starting to educate myself about abuse and getting support from the ladies on this site who understood what I was feeling and going through. We will be here for you too.
If you haven’t already read these and can read them without being seen, Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That and Pat Craven’s Living with the Dominator were real eye openers for me.
Keep strong and keep posting xx
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